I am a half-person.

   Sometimes I think about myself like I am not a full person but just a half one - half-person. Like I left half of my personality in my old country. Most of my old habits, customs, experiences, way of life, hobbies, education and occupations are to be forgotten or of no use here. The way we dressed, talked, socialized, spend money and dreamed there and then - it's all different now and here.
Sometimes I think if you are after forty you should not come to live to a different country - chances of psychological adoption of new ways of life are too slim. And life will be too stressful for you. As somebody said, 'if you cannot live better in your new place, what's the point of uprooting and coming there?'
 I know for sure that if I stayed in my old country and put as much effort to achieving something over there as I put in here just to survive, I would definitely could be living a better life, more satisfying, more accomplished. I am not sure, but may be even less stressful. My parents died there, in my old country, and I managed to attend only my mom's funeral. I never visited them when they were sick and lonely and needed me most. I never had time nor money. Stupid thing money, it's so hard to be working poor. You are always in denial of everything. This I cannot afford, that is too expensive, I can live without this or that.  But life passes by so fast, and older you get - faster it slips away. Less and less energy, more often you just want to rest, but you have to get up and go - day after day, after day... groundhog day if you know what I mean.
In my old country it was easy to be poor, because everybody had the same life style as you. Here it's different. People have nice houses,  drive new cars (even if they are in debt up to their ears). They don't want (or cannot afford) to look unsuccessful or poor. You are supposed to have a car if you are professional, and a cellphone, and no one asks you if you can afford this or not. After so many years living in Canada with thousands in debts behind my back, I refuse to have a car now and my cell is just for emergencies with minimal pay as you go plan. I do not want to use a credit card with 20% interest on it and do not understand why our society wants me to live over my limits. One simply cannot live on a min payment job and have a car without debts. And public transportation is more or less adequate only in big cities like Toronto. As I said - more or less. After 7 pm good luck to wait for a bus.
 And by the way, why do I have to pay bank money every time I use my own money?  They should pay me for that, not me. Well, never mind banks, but to have such inadequate public transportation is just not fair. If you live in a small town and you don't have a job, you must go somewhere else to look for work, and if there is no bus or train to take you there, what you are supposed to do? Steal a car? Or just give up and sit on welfare all your life, complaining or getting sick from cheap/bad nutrition and drugs and eventually getting disability for life ( a little more in terms of money).
 In Canada without a car you are stuck in a big city, you feel like an invalid, like a half-person, as if something wrong with you. I have only two choices. I can live in central places, in big city apartments that are close to main bus routes, apartments that are noisy at night because you hear that constant clicking, clanking and tooting of a big city that never really sleeps. Or I can move to suburbia where there is no or very little buses, where you can walk nowhere because everything is too far for walking. Again, basement is the only thing you can rent there if you can afford it of course. And then what? You'll be so isolated from everything and everybody there that you definitely have to have a car!
 Right now I have a choice. I can either close my window at night to cut out that constant background humming of traffic and sleep in a hot stuffy bedroom or I can leave my window opened but then I have to listen to that disturbing big city music. When I am lucky to be so tired that I do not care anymore then I do just that - I leave my window open. One day I will be able to abandon this big city for good but not now, not yet. I have to support myself, help my kids and big city is the only option for me. So many ways to make you feel like a half-person, so many ways...

I wonder when...

I've been in Canada for so long that I cannot imagine living in any other country. I don't know if it is good or bad - that feeling. My old native country looks so distant, so different.
My distant relative sent me a website address so I could get some information I asked her about. I read it but I could not understand a single word, I completely forgot Latvian language. So sad.
 I was thinking about applying for Latvian citizenship, but without proper language it seems pointless. And another thing - in order to get Latvian citizenship I have to damp my Canadian one, smart, eh? I don't think so. In Canada I feel more protected anyways -  from all elements, even natural.
Today natural elements in Toronto are particularly wet and nasty. I managed to get to work on time but wet and quite ruffled. Well, it's summer, so rain and wind will go away soon and we will have hot and humid dusty boring days to tolerate instead - as usual. I feel like I am losing some drive. I've been running for too long, running for survival. For 20 years in Canada I've never had a chance just to sit and think what exactly is my goal, what I am running for or against? What's up, doc? What do you want, little girl? Not so little by the way. I wonder when I finally stop and look at everything calmly and truthfully. It looks like there is no more reason to run so hard. I helped everybody who needed my help, I cannot do more, truly I can't. I need some rest, I need some time for myself, I need to sit and think, I wonder when...
Since I wrote this weather has changed. Today it is nice and sunny, not humid, not hot - perfect weather for a nice summer day. I wish I had a day off. May be I should pretend I am sick, but I am not so good at pretending. back to work then. So long!

Drugs: think twice before you take it.

Whitney Houston is gone. Internet is buzzing. Another victim of drugs, boozing and stress.

Our social activities are revolving around eating, drinking and nowadays drugs. Anything that make you high. Well, that woman did not need anything to get her 'high'. She was on top with success, beauty, talent. What killed her? Inability to handle stress? To say no to temptations?

 How many more deaths do we need to realise how vulnerable we are and how careful we should be? 48 is not the age to perish. Well, it's too late for her. I cannot imagine all that grief for her daughter and the rest of her family and her fans. She was a wonderful actress and a beautiful talented woman. Such a waste of human life. She brought so much joy to people but there was no one to protect her from herself, from her obvious vulnerability towards everything that's so addictive and evil in our society, especially when you are so visible, a celebrity, a symbol, a status by yourself.

We love perfection, we crave it. We are ready to pay anything for it, even with our own health, even with our own life. We want perfect teeth, perfect figure, perfect life. Right now and always, and for ever. And when we cannot have it, we'll get some pills to correct it, or just to forget for a moment about all that stress involved in it. We don't even think twice. We need it now - perfect mood, perfect smile, perfect...

Stop for a moment! Please! Life cannot be perfect. We will always have our ups and downs. What is good for a movie, not always good for real life. You do not need pills for every occasion. You can tolerate pains and aches without drugs. We have lots of simple remedies that work and has been working for centuries, just find people who know them, usually they are not the main stream doctors, but they do exist.

Sometimes doctors are no better than drug sellers on the corner. They both are in desperate need for your money and your dependency on them. Take medication only if there is no alternative to it. Think twice before you take anything. If it's not food don't put it in your mouth. Your life if is too precious even if you are not Whitney Houston. You are unique human being and somebody somewhere loves you very much. You just don't know it yet.

Time, it goes so fast, it's 2012 already.

   Holly-Molly, it's 2012, I don't believe how fast everything goes!

I think I should stop making plans and start actually doing something productive in my life. So far I am just aimlessly flowing with life's current, like a dry leaf in the muddy river. Last year came and gone like I was in a Time Machine. I cannot even think of something really important. Same job, same apartment, same me.

    Had a small vacation during summer days, went to see something rather than Toronto. Went to Stratford and Guelph. Nice short one day trip to each. Guelph I liked better. Stratford is too touristy, especially downtown. Guelph is quite vibrant, lots of young people, nice. May be next time I will go to Windsor or Peterborough, those nice places, not too far from Toronto. When you have one week for vacation, it's the best thing to go without a car. At night I can be back home, though in case of Windsor, I will probably do better if I stay there for a night.

   So far I was unable to find a place where I would love to live, and where I could definitely be busy with something money wise. I need to earn my living, I cannot just sit on a beach, no matter how nice the scenery is. I need the alternative I will be happy with.

 In Canada it is a problem. Most immigrants flock to big cities like Toronto and then we have crowds everywhere...''ready to do any job, hard-working, responsible, can work for lesser wages...''

   Well, I do not want to work for lesser wages, it's not worth it. The less money you get, the more work-hours you have to commit yourself to in order to have all bare necessities like shelter, food, clothing covered. And if you are crazy enough to have dependents and pets, you'll need even more. If you have higher wages, you'll definitely can work less hours and have some time to think and to arrange your life the way you want it to be.  Working all the time and sleeping in-between is not exactly my cup of tea.

The alternative? I have to start working on that right away, may be it's already too late. It's just I am out of fresh excuses I've been feeding myself for such a long time. Like my kids are too small, they need me (not anymore), my husband wants me to help him with his business, he needs my help badly (again, not anymore). I am so new to this country I shall learn how things work around here (quite familiar now with everything).

  So what's holding me now? Nothing, nobody, just me and my old friend - fear, fear of failure. That's what keeps me from doing what I would love to do, that's what does not allow me to break my grinding routine and become free, at least partially, I really need that.

I still miss my old country, should I go back?

After so many years I still miss my old country. I hardly remember a lot of things that were so important there. So much have changed here and over there too. One part of me wants to come back. Another asks me, why? There is no one there who needs you. There is nothing there for you. Lets face it, you are too old and tired to start all over there.  May be because I do not feel that I belong here either. Canada is a good country but I still feel lost between two worlds. Was it a mistake to come here? Will it be another mistake to go back? Am I still needed here?

My children are all grown up, I am sure they can live without me. Who else is going to miss me? Does it mean that my life is over? Of course, not! I am just a long distance swimmer who at his finish line suddenly encounters storm and slippery rock and he does not have strength to overcome it. Surely he cannot turn back and swim all that distance all over again. He will drown if he turns back, he might drown if he comes to the shore...

We do forget bad things. But basically when you get older your priorities change and some things become more important, things you may have never thought about when you were young. Your personal level of comfort zone. Your home, money you do not have for necessities, your personal freedom when you are a slave to your job, your health. You have to think about all those things. But I've alredy made my decision. I cannot swim back, I have to make ashore no matter how hard it is. I am working on that, I am not giving up.

If you do nothing, nothing happens, making terms with Canada.

It took me twenty years, well, almost twenty to realize that. I am so glad that finally I did that. I stopped blaming myself, society I came from, my upbringing, society I am currently in, society I came from again, my age (if only I came earlier), my character ( too reserved, too shy, too bookish), my mother, father etc., etc.

 I used to think  about Canada as the extremely dull, unfriendly, cold (and I didn't mean just climate) country. I felt lonely, lost, underappreciated, out of place, out of touch with everything and everybody. All that was true and not really. I am still lonely, lost, underappreciated, but I know why.

 Finally I've got it, this country is indeed different in a way that you cannot judge it by European standards. This country had been built differently, for completely different purposes. People were coming to this unfriendly climate because they were hoping to build a better live, or just any life because what they left was not enough. They wanted to find something that was missing in their life. Was it a foolish idea? For some people may be.

 It's not easy to start everything from scratch in a different country, but for some it was a success. But it was not an easy one. They worked hard to accomplish that goal. And that is what I and everybody else should do here. I cannot expect anything for granted here, I have to figure it out what exactly I do want from my life and go for it. Potential is here, possibilities endless. But nobody is going to come, knock on my door and bring me what I want on a tray. I have to work on that myself. And may be help others to do the same, if I may. Because for everybody else who've lived here at one time in their life there was a beginning, that crucial time when they started  their new life here, made their choice one way or another. I have to build my life with my own hands the way I want it, and there is nothing else, it's the only truth. 

Surely in another country everything could have been different, but not here. Here you have your choice to do things or to do nothing. But doing nothing brings you what? Exactly. This society is so generous that they will allow you exist doing nothing, you might even have a free meal and a shelter, but what about your life? Do you want your life to be like that? I certainly don't. Where is my parachute? Finally I am ready to jump into my chosen life. What about you? Are you with me?

Things we eat, what food industry keeps quiet about.

I was thinking, what exactly prevents us from healthy eating? Is it our industry that is at fault? Or is it our reluctance to go ahead and just drop all that nice tasty things we love so much, those delicious juicy things that are tasty and absolutely harmful to our health? Is it our inertia that makes us overweight and unhealthy, or is it our habit that was developed in our childhood, the one that kills us now, slowly destroying our health. May be we don't know enough about health and nutrition yet. May be we still need some time. Well, we don't have that time.

Enough. Industrial revolution freed us from hard labour and meager  rough food. Now we can grind, bleach, process, turn into pulp, into powder just about anything. We can extract, add, remove, pasteurise, boil, freeze, keep frozen, sterilize,evaporate, add lots of chemicals unknown to the most part of population,mimick nature, mimick real food. We have to trust our food industry, haven't we? Well, I don't know and I don't think so.
Most of our contemporary diseases are from lack of right nutrition and physical inactivity. Plainly speaking we sit too much and eat too much of wrong food. And it does not really matter what exactly do you eat, if you food is wrong.

I do not believe our food industry and our doctors for that matter for one and only reason, - their vast material interest is in it, financially they are too deeply in it.  Loblaw Companies Ltd. says first-quarter profits rose nearly 23 per cent to $162 million, beating expectations, even though its sales were down. People eat, people eat more when recession strikes.

If a food company can squeeze one more cent from  you, I am sure they will. Sometimes all they have to do is just to remove some more expensive ingredients from your product and then add the cheapest ones. You'll never know the difference, until you get sick, even then  you are not going to know. You'll get bad symptoms, you'll go to the doctor, who will gladly prescribe you a bunch of unnecessary, even dangerous drugs, worthless vitamins, that your body will store in you tissue and organs desperately trying to get rid of those, getting even more "sick" symptoms. Your doctor has a vast financial interest in your being sick. Always remember that.

You  have to educate yourself. You have to think, to experiment, to try. Forget about restaurant, they are in business of making money, fast-food traps, all that processed crap they are relentlessly advertising about on TV. They need money, your poor schmuck's money. You need health. And no one is going to give it to you but yourself. Go to the store and look at the products beyond beautiful colourful packages. You do not eat pictures, you eat product, and that product has to be healthy and minimally processed. Why do you have to buy 'chicken fingers'? Chicken do not have any fingers. Buy meat if you want meat, fresh and unprocessed. Grill it, or boil it, or roast it, it's up to you. Make some fresh salad. Plain white vinegar, drop of good olive oil and squeeze of sweet orange will make you the best dressing for your salads.

If you want cereal, don't look for a fancy box. Buy grains and cook those as much as you like. You never know what might hide in these fancy packages, but you are not a child and you are not eating that box! Oatmeal is cheap and takes no time to cook and is good for you. Eat it! And there are lots of useful  grains that you can eat, that will give you energy and health. And you know what? You can hardly overeat on a wholesome food, because you'll satisfy your body well enough with a small amount of good food.

 Another thought. Just imagine that we suddenly refused to buy all that crappy loaded with sugar yogurts,cereals, juices, ice-creams and cookies. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine what exactly our food industry is going to do? Yes, they are going to adapt to OUR NEEDS. They must. They must produce good, clean,wholesome unprocessed product for our consumption. Why? Because we need it. And they do not have a choice, they need that money of yours.