When your husband is dead, what do you feel? I feel loneliness - like lonely for ever. When I was young I thought, we have to live long and die at once together, but when you get older you understand that that's impossible because we all live and age and die differently. My husband spent his last 10 years at nursing home, and I still don't know why he died because though he had a stroke and a very bad one, I hoped he would somehow recover or at least partially recover and it never happened and I had to place him into a nursing home and go to work to support myself and help my children to get on their feet and that went wrong too but that's another story. After 10 years there, he just expired.
He hated nursing home and all that inability to do what you want when you want so much. Nursing home is a bad place, I agree. Only when you are completely helpless and cannot do anything for yourself, you should go there, otherwise you better stay home and take care of yourself as good as you can for as long as you can. Of course if you have a place you can call a home and can support yourself and can pay for some extra help. I am still waiting for my financial report from government as my pension is too small to live on and for some reason I am not entitled to get ODSP any more.
My husband was very healthy all his life, same as me. I did not expect his early demise and now I feel like part of my soul died with him and all I need from him just his presence - I don't need anything, just please, be here.
I am not a religious person so I do not expect to meet him after life. I believe that death is a final thing and there is not a chance that his soul exists in universe without a body. And loneliness is probably the worst thing after sickness that human being can experience on this earth. With me sickness and loneliness go together like two crazy sisters and stand behind me every time I open my eyes in the morning telling me, 'why don't you go and kill yourself, no one needs you any more.' As if it's the best solution and I know it is not. There is so many things in life I never had a chance to meet, to see, to experience and now I have time to experience, to get acquainted, to learn. I have to use that possibility to my advantage. There is a reason to my existence, same as to anybody else, I am sure of that. I wish I did not feel that loneliness every day though I have to get used to it - there is not a lot of options for me now.
I thought about going back to my old country, but my old country does not have anybody any more of my close relatives, no one need me there and I don't have any means to live there on. So what's the point? I will be as lonely there as I am here in Canada, so I stay. At least in Canada people do not usually say to your face what they think about you, they are more reserved. In Canada people do not like to interfere. They will leave you alone and let you swim in your own misery for as long as you can, just don't ask for anything, it's not their business.
So, why am I writing all this? May be somebody will read this and will think,' I am better than that, I don't feel as bad,' or 'that's exactly as I feel, I am not alone in my misery.' And it's always easier when somebody understands you and feels like you.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Thursday, July 20, 2017
First time in your life you are on your own
It's not easy to be completely on your own if you are not used to it. I never in my life lived on my own, I always had somebody around. My parents, then my husband, then my kids.
And now I have nobody but old me. And I am in a new city London, Ontario and I am in Canada now and I cannot work any more as I am disabled now and now I have to rely on whatever government decides to pay me to survive. I don't even know if I will be able to survive on that money. But we are born to live and life is not easy for most people and it's not going to be easier when you get older, you just have to hold on to whatever is left for you and make the most of it and I am planning to do just that.
First of all I need to explore London as there are some better places I am sure in London than downtown, where I live right now I just have to find them as I am not interested in restaurants and museums much and I had enough stores to visit in Toronto where I lived before.
In London I am looking for some quiet nature escapes if possible and I still have to drop my blood pressure somehow because I don't like pills but don't have a choice right now but take pills as my blood pressure is like a wild beast without a cage, you never know when he will jump at you.
The only good thing for me in downtown is the library as I can use Internet and books, even Russian books they have, because I don't know Russian contemporary literature at all and I can get some knowledge here and it's very pleasant as Russian is my native language and I like reading. So nature and reading is good combination for a person with one hand working (and unfortunately it is not my best hand). Hopefully I will be able to exercise my right hand to the point when it will start working somehow so I don't have to feel like an invalid as I hate that feeling of helplessness and the worst thing is when you have to ask somebody for help - I hate it! So is there any advantage in living on your own? We'll see.
And now I have nobody but old me. And I am in a new city London, Ontario and I am in Canada now and I cannot work any more as I am disabled now and now I have to rely on whatever government decides to pay me to survive. I don't even know if I will be able to survive on that money. But we are born to live and life is not easy for most people and it's not going to be easier when you get older, you just have to hold on to whatever is left for you and make the most of it and I am planning to do just that.
First of all I need to explore London as there are some better places I am sure in London than downtown, where I live right now I just have to find them as I am not interested in restaurants and museums much and I had enough stores to visit in Toronto where I lived before.
In London I am looking for some quiet nature escapes if possible and I still have to drop my blood pressure somehow because I don't like pills but don't have a choice right now but take pills as my blood pressure is like a wild beast without a cage, you never know when he will jump at you.
The only good thing for me in downtown is the library as I can use Internet and books, even Russian books they have, because I don't know Russian contemporary literature at all and I can get some knowledge here and it's very pleasant as Russian is my native language and I like reading. So nature and reading is good combination for a person with one hand working (and unfortunately it is not my best hand). Hopefully I will be able to exercise my right hand to the point when it will start working somehow so I don't have to feel like an invalid as I hate that feeling of helplessness and the worst thing is when you have to ask somebody for help - I hate it! So is there any advantage in living on your own? We'll see.
Friday, July 14, 2017
When life you had is over.
When life you had is over you have to create a new life. There should be purpose and necessity and meaningful results and it is hard and sometimes I feel like it's absolutely impossible task, especially when you feel like a completely useless and helpless invalid though it's not so.
I still have things I like to do and things I can do, and things I can learn how to do. I still can read and I like reading, I can write with my left hand though my hand writing is terrible but with practice it will be better. I can write on a keyboard with left hand and it is not that hard. I can learn a new language.
I already started to learn Italian and if I will not be able to speak, I will certainly be able to read. I still have one friend left. You don't have a lot of friends when you work every day, but now I regret I've lost some of them just by being busy all the time. May be in future when my right hand will be working I will be able to have a part time job, or may be I will write a novel, I have some ideas, had them for a long time, just had no time for that before and now time is all I have, I can use it in full if I want or just be a lady of leisure. How far it will take me? That no one knows. And experience is still experience and a lesson. I used to be a good scholar, so we'll see.
My kids still remember that I am alive and it's a good thing. Connection with your near and dear is very important, even on a formal basis - telephone call one in 3 months.
In order to make my hand work I have to force it into movement every day for many hours and that is difficult as I do not have a lot of energy but I am trying. I hate being an invalid - it's not mine. I used to take care of invalid but I hate it and hate to rely on others - I have to be able to do everything by myself - at least things regarding personal needs. I still need to find somebody in London to socialize, don't know if it's possible, as I feel like a new immigrant in London, as after stroke my accent became worse. Well, cannot help it, we'll see.
I still have things I like to do and things I can do, and things I can learn how to do. I still can read and I like reading, I can write with my left hand though my hand writing is terrible but with practice it will be better. I can write on a keyboard with left hand and it is not that hard. I can learn a new language.
I already started to learn Italian and if I will not be able to speak, I will certainly be able to read. I still have one friend left. You don't have a lot of friends when you work every day, but now I regret I've lost some of them just by being busy all the time. May be in future when my right hand will be working I will be able to have a part time job, or may be I will write a novel, I have some ideas, had them for a long time, just had no time for that before and now time is all I have, I can use it in full if I want or just be a lady of leisure. How far it will take me? That no one knows. And experience is still experience and a lesson. I used to be a good scholar, so we'll see.
My kids still remember that I am alive and it's a good thing. Connection with your near and dear is very important, even on a formal basis - telephone call one in 3 months.
In order to make my hand work I have to force it into movement every day for many hours and that is difficult as I do not have a lot of energy but I am trying. I hate being an invalid - it's not mine. I used to take care of invalid but I hate it and hate to rely on others - I have to be able to do everything by myself - at least things regarding personal needs. I still need to find somebody in London to socialize, don't know if it's possible, as I feel like a new immigrant in London, as after stroke my accent became worse. Well, cannot help it, we'll see.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Life after stroke and what can you do about it.
What can you do when your life is almost over?
Last year I had a stroke, so I had to quit my job,get disability, move from Toronto as I couldn't afford this city anymore. I did not get enough response or help from my children so I had to learn to live with my own decision and resources and it was not an easy task.The worst part about it is that you get depression and your ability to cope with it and your disability becomes very diminished.
I did not know at first how to kill myself easily and quickly without a lot of drama. Now I know but I don't want to kill myself anymore. I had to learn how to walk and now I can walk without support and far enough and though I still cannot use my right hand, I am working on that hand every day and eventually I will return my hand to original position I am sure, and this conviction gives me strength to live.
I have a nice bachelor apartment in London, Ontario. I am still working on my retirement funds as my disability pension expired as I hit 65 recently. I don't like that number but I cannot pretend it's not here. I have to live with it and with my disability and fight for my health with myself, doctors and environment, as food we buy and eat in Canada though plenty not always is healthy for different reasons as it's very difficult to buy healthy food when you don't have any money. I will tell you about my life in London later. May be my experience will be useful for somebody.
Last year I had a stroke, so I had to quit my job,get disability, move from Toronto as I couldn't afford this city anymore. I did not get enough response or help from my children so I had to learn to live with my own decision and resources and it was not an easy task.The worst part about it is that you get depression and your ability to cope with it and your disability becomes very diminished.
I did not know at first how to kill myself easily and quickly without a lot of drama. Now I know but I don't want to kill myself anymore. I had to learn how to walk and now I can walk without support and far enough and though I still cannot use my right hand, I am working on that hand every day and eventually I will return my hand to original position I am sure, and this conviction gives me strength to live.
I have a nice bachelor apartment in London, Ontario. I am still working on my retirement funds as my disability pension expired as I hit 65 recently. I don't like that number but I cannot pretend it's not here. I have to live with it and with my disability and fight for my health with myself, doctors and environment, as food we buy and eat in Canada though plenty not always is healthy for different reasons as it's very difficult to buy healthy food when you don't have any money. I will tell you about my life in London later. May be my experience will be useful for somebody.
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