I am a half-person.

   Sometimes I think about myself like I am not a full person but just a half one - half-person. Like I left half of my personality in my old country. Most of my old habits, customs, experiences, way of life, hobbies, education and occupations are to be forgotten or of no use here. The way we dressed, talked, socialized, spend money and dreamed there and then - it's all different now and here.
Sometimes I think if you are after forty you should not come to live to a different country - chances of psychological adoption of new ways of life are too slim. And life will be too stressful for you. As somebody said, 'if you cannot live better in your new place, what's the point of uprooting and coming there?'
 I know for sure that if I stayed in my old country and put as much effort to achieving something over there as I put in here just to survive, I would definitely could be living a better life, more satisfying, more accomplished. I am not sure, but may be even less stressful. My parents died there, in my old country, and I managed to attend only my mom's funeral. I never visited them when they were sick and lonely and needed me most. I never had time nor money. Stupid thing money, it's so hard to be working poor. You are always in denial of everything. This I cannot afford, that is too expensive, I can live without this or that.  But life passes by so fast, and older you get - faster it slips away. Less and less energy, more often you just want to rest, but you have to get up and go - day after day, after day... groundhog day if you know what I mean.
In my old country it was easy to be poor, because everybody had the same life style as you. Here it's different. People have nice houses,  drive new cars (even if they are in debt up to their ears). They don't want (or cannot afford) to look unsuccessful or poor. You are supposed to have a car if you are professional, and a cellphone, and no one asks you if you can afford this or not. After so many years living in Canada with thousands in debts behind my back, I refuse to have a car now and my cell is just for emergencies with minimal pay as you go plan. I do not want to use a credit card with 20% interest on it and do not understand why our society wants me to live over my limits. One simply cannot live on a min payment job and have a car without debts. And public transportation is more or less adequate only in big cities like Toronto. As I said - more or less. After 7 pm good luck to wait for a bus.
 And by the way, why do I have to pay bank money every time I use my own money?  They should pay me for that, not me. Well, never mind banks, but to have such inadequate public transportation is just not fair. If you live in a small town and you don't have a job, you must go somewhere else to look for work, and if there is no bus or train to take you there, what you are supposed to do? Steal a car? Or just give up and sit on welfare all your life, complaining or getting sick from cheap/bad nutrition and drugs and eventually getting disability for life ( a little more in terms of money).
 In Canada without a car you are stuck in a big city, you feel like an invalid, like a half-person, as if something wrong with you. I have only two choices. I can live in central places, in big city apartments that are close to main bus routes, apartments that are noisy at night because you hear that constant clicking, clanking and tooting of a big city that never really sleeps. Or I can move to suburbia where there is no or very little buses, where you can walk nowhere because everything is too far for walking. Again, basement is the only thing you can rent there if you can afford it of course. And then what? You'll be so isolated from everything and everybody there that you definitely have to have a car!
 Right now I have a choice. I can either close my window at night to cut out that constant background humming of traffic and sleep in a hot stuffy bedroom or I can leave my window opened but then I have to listen to that disturbing big city music. When I am lucky to be so tired that I do not care anymore then I do just that - I leave my window open. One day I will be able to abandon this big city for good but not now, not yet. I have to support myself, help my kids and big city is the only option for me. So many ways to make you feel like a half-person, so many ways...

I wonder when...

I've been in Canada for so long that I cannot imagine living in any other country. I don't know if it is good or bad - that feeling. My old native country looks so distant, so different.
My distant relative sent me a website address so I could get some information I asked her about. I read it but I could not understand a single word, I completely forgot Latvian language. So sad.
 I was thinking about applying for Latvian citizenship, but without proper language it seems pointless. And another thing - in order to get Latvian citizenship I have to damp my Canadian one, smart, eh? I don't think so. In Canada I feel more protected anyways -  from all elements, even natural.
Today natural elements in Toronto are particularly wet and nasty. I managed to get to work on time but wet and quite ruffled. Well, it's summer, so rain and wind will go away soon and we will have hot and humid dusty boring days to tolerate instead - as usual. I feel like I am losing some drive. I've been running for too long, running for survival. For 20 years in Canada I've never had a chance just to sit and think what exactly is my goal, what I am running for or against? What's up, doc? What do you want, little girl? Not so little by the way. I wonder when I finally stop and look at everything calmly and truthfully. It looks like there is no more reason to run so hard. I helped everybody who needed my help, I cannot do more, truly I can't. I need some rest, I need some time for myself, I need to sit and think, I wonder when...
Since I wrote this weather has changed. Today it is nice and sunny, not humid, not hot - perfect weather for a nice summer day. I wish I had a day off. May be I should pretend I am sick, but I am not so good at pretending. back to work then. So long!

Drugs: think twice before you take it.

Whitney Houston is gone. Internet is buzzing. Another victim of drugs, boozing and stress.

Our social activities are revolving around eating, drinking and nowadays drugs. Anything that make you high. Well, that woman did not need anything to get her 'high'. She was on top with success, beauty, talent. What killed her? Inability to handle stress? To say no to temptations?

 How many more deaths do we need to realise how vulnerable we are and how careful we should be? 48 is not the age to perish. Well, it's too late for her. I cannot imagine all that grief for her daughter and the rest of her family and her fans. She was a wonderful actress and a beautiful talented woman. Such a waste of human life. She brought so much joy to people but there was no one to protect her from herself, from her obvious vulnerability towards everything that's so addictive and evil in our society, especially when you are so visible, a celebrity, a symbol, a status by yourself.

We love perfection, we crave it. We are ready to pay anything for it, even with our own health, even with our own life. We want perfect teeth, perfect figure, perfect life. Right now and always, and for ever. And when we cannot have it, we'll get some pills to correct it, or just to forget for a moment about all that stress involved in it. We don't even think twice. We need it now - perfect mood, perfect smile, perfect...

Stop for a moment! Please! Life cannot be perfect. We will always have our ups and downs. What is good for a movie, not always good for real life. You do not need pills for every occasion. You can tolerate pains and aches without drugs. We have lots of simple remedies that work and has been working for centuries, just find people who know them, usually they are not the main stream doctors, but they do exist.

Sometimes doctors are no better than drug sellers on the corner. They both are in desperate need for your money and your dependency on them. Take medication only if there is no alternative to it. Think twice before you take anything. If it's not food don't put it in your mouth. Your life if is too precious even if you are not Whitney Houston. You are unique human being and somebody somewhere loves you very much. You just don't know it yet.

Time, it goes so fast, it's 2012 already.

   Holly-Molly, it's 2012, I don't believe how fast everything goes!

I think I should stop making plans and start actually doing something productive in my life. So far I am just aimlessly flowing with life's current, like a dry leaf in the muddy river. Last year came and gone like I was in a Time Machine. I cannot even think of something really important. Same job, same apartment, same me.

    Had a small vacation during summer days, went to see something rather than Toronto. Went to Stratford and Guelph. Nice short one day trip to each. Guelph I liked better. Stratford is too touristy, especially downtown. Guelph is quite vibrant, lots of young people, nice. May be next time I will go to Windsor or Peterborough, those nice places, not too far from Toronto. When you have one week for vacation, it's the best thing to go without a car. At night I can be back home, though in case of Windsor, I will probably do better if I stay there for a night.

   So far I was unable to find a place where I would love to live, and where I could definitely be busy with something money wise. I need to earn my living, I cannot just sit on a beach, no matter how nice the scenery is. I need the alternative I will be happy with.

 In Canada it is a problem. Most immigrants flock to big cities like Toronto and then we have crowds everywhere...''ready to do any job, hard-working, responsible, can work for lesser wages...''

   Well, I do not want to work for lesser wages, it's not worth it. The less money you get, the more work-hours you have to commit yourself to in order to have all bare necessities like shelter, food, clothing covered. And if you are crazy enough to have dependents and pets, you'll need even more. If you have higher wages, you'll definitely can work less hours and have some time to think and to arrange your life the way you want it to be.  Working all the time and sleeping in-between is not exactly my cup of tea.

The alternative? I have to start working on that right away, may be it's already too late. It's just I am out of fresh excuses I've been feeding myself for such a long time. Like my kids are too small, they need me (not anymore), my husband wants me to help him with his business, he needs my help badly (again, not anymore). I am so new to this country I shall learn how things work around here (quite familiar now with everything).

  So what's holding me now? Nothing, nobody, just me and my old friend - fear, fear of failure. That's what keeps me from doing what I would love to do, that's what does not allow me to break my grinding routine and become free, at least partially, I really need that.