I still miss my old country, should I go back?

After so many years I still miss my old country. I hardly remember a lot of things that were so important there. So much have changed here and over there too. One part of me wants to come back. Another asks me, why? There is no one there who needs you. There is nothing there for you. Lets face it, you are too old and tired to start all over there.  May be because I do not feel that I belong here either. Canada is a good country but I still feel lost between two worlds. Was it a mistake to come here? Will it be another mistake to go back? Am I still needed here?

My children are all grown up, I am sure they can live without me. Who else is going to miss me? Does it mean that my life is over? Of course, not! I am just a long distance swimmer who at his finish line suddenly encounters storm and slippery rock and he does not have strength to overcome it. Surely he cannot turn back and swim all that distance all over again. He will drown if he turns back, he might drown if he comes to the shore...

We do forget bad things. But basically when you get older your priorities change and some things become more important, things you may have never thought about when you were young. Your personal level of comfort zone. Your home, money you do not have for necessities, your personal freedom when you are a slave to your job, your health. You have to think about all those things. But I've alredy made my decision. I cannot swim back, I have to make ashore no matter how hard it is. I am working on that, I am not giving up.

If you do nothing, nothing happens, making terms with Canada.

It took me twenty years, well, almost twenty to realize that. I am so glad that finally I did that. I stopped blaming myself, society I came from, my upbringing, society I am currently in, society I came from again, my age (if only I came earlier), my character ( too reserved, too shy, too bookish), my mother, father etc., etc.

 I used to think  about Canada as the extremely dull, unfriendly, cold (and I didn't mean just climate) country. I felt lonely, lost, underappreciated, out of place, out of touch with everything and everybody. All that was true and not really. I am still lonely, lost, underappreciated, but I know why.

 Finally I've got it, this country is indeed different in a way that you cannot judge it by European standards. This country had been built differently, for completely different purposes. People were coming to this unfriendly climate because they were hoping to build a better live, or just any life because what they left was not enough. They wanted to find something that was missing in their life. Was it a foolish idea? For some people may be.

 It's not easy to start everything from scratch in a different country, but for some it was a success. But it was not an easy one. They worked hard to accomplish that goal. And that is what I and everybody else should do here. I cannot expect anything for granted here, I have to figure it out what exactly I do want from my life and go for it. Potential is here, possibilities endless. But nobody is going to come, knock on my door and bring me what I want on a tray. I have to work on that myself. And may be help others to do the same, if I may. Because for everybody else who've lived here at one time in their life there was a beginning, that crucial time when they started  their new life here, made their choice one way or another. I have to build my life with my own hands the way I want it, and there is nothing else, it's the only truth. 

Surely in another country everything could have been different, but not here. Here you have your choice to do things or to do nothing. But doing nothing brings you what? Exactly. This society is so generous that they will allow you exist doing nothing, you might even have a free meal and a shelter, but what about your life? Do you want your life to be like that? I certainly don't. Where is my parachute? Finally I am ready to jump into my chosen life. What about you? Are you with me?