"I started out with nothing and still have most of that left"

I like that quotation. It's about me. It looks like I'll come to the retirement years without a lot. Well, actually with nothing. It scares me a bit. Not that much though. Eventually I have to leave the Earth and it does not matter if I have millions or nothing. You cannot take it with you on your last journey, I wish I could have something. Well, I wish I had something that I could leave to my children, in that case they do not have to be like me - poor. I do not like poverty. The hopelessness and helplessness of it. And everyday worry about money and things. I like nice things - furniture, jewelry, books with nice covers and golden letters on front cover. I would love to have a good library of my own with all best classics that I love but I know it's impossible unless I win a lottery. But for that you have at least to play it and I don't. I do not want to spend money I don't have on things that's impossible to attain. Or should I? Should I dream about impossible and try and against all odds go ahead and do crazy things? No, it is not me. I basically do not need a lot for myself, I just see that my kids are not trying to accomplish something, they are not that driven. And that scares me because I am not getting any younger. I've missed something important in my life. It was long ago and I do not remember what it was. I just know  that I would've done that when it was the right time, not now. Now it is too late, not for them (my kids) but for me. Now I have to live the way I can, not the way I want and that bugs me. May be I am wrong though. May be I still can try and live my life the way I want to. May be if I do, I am not going to feel sick and worried, and depressed. May be I'll be able to soar above mundane troubles and misgivings of my soul, and just feel alive - not like a dead tree in winter. I do not want to be that dead wood, seriously, I don't. I just don't know how to do that.
Recently I found out that my credit report is not as good as I expected and I owe somebody money, some rental place from like 5 years ago. We just could not sit there till the end of our lease and moved out early, month or two not much, but they put it to small claims court. Now I cannot expect any favours from any bank, I have to save my own money, I guess, because I cannot pay that debt and really don't want to kill myself over it. It's not worth it. I was wondering, is it possible to live in Canada and not to owe  somebody something? I thought I can, but looks like I cannot. I need a lot of stuff, I am postponing everything, all buying but for how long? Everything I earn goes for rent and food, and I do not want credit card debts, that's a murder for sure. Sometimes I think,"If I stayed in my old country, where would I be now?" Life consists of series of occasions, accidents, last minute decisions we knew nothing about an hour ago, so it's hard to predict, what's going to happen. Well, I still feel like I am on a platform waiting for my train to come, so I can go home. Where is that train?

Things we do not need, but we want them for sure.

To survive we do not need a lot of things. Water, bread, air to breathe, shelter from cold and rain. A hot stove to cook a dinner and to warm your hands after long and wearisome day. Some clothes on our back. But in reality we need more, we want more. We want something that is ours. Our car, our home.

We want things, special things, that are beautiful and unique, or just luxurious and fashionable. We want a car to move around and not to depend on public transportation, we want a house or an apartment that belongs to us, not just a rental place.

We (especially women) want nice clothes and more than enough of them, so we could change our image and look differently all the time. But sometimes that choices take too much time and money from us and we cannot resist temptation to get more than we need and pay more than we can afford to obtain that. And we end up with lots of debts and frustrations, and with plenty of unnecessary things we cannot get rid of. Or some people become sick with hoarding.

 I never even heard about such affliction in my old country where we had the only choice usually - one type of a product, one brand and probably limited so you can just buy one piece, or one kilo or one thing of it (like one loath of bread) even if you need more. It's just 2 choices - to have it or to have not, to buy it or to buy not. So you could make an instant decision without complex procedure of making up your mind what color, size or brand  to buy. Just grab it until somebody else does and be happy, and take good care of that thing or it might get ruined by something and then you have to live without it until another occasion. Is it a good thing or not when you have multiple choices?

 I guess some things are really can be more simple. We do not need 50 brands of toothpaste or 30 brands of bread or soap at the store. Or may be 100 brands of cookies or cereals in colorful boxes. They are not good nutritional product anyway. And they are basically the same, just boxes and prices are different. So far if I met a really healthy cookie, the price was usually astronomically high, so I never had a chance to appreciate the taste - beyond my league, sorry.

Well, right now so many thins are just made in China, and there is not much quality in them. You cannot expect to buy a winter coat and wear it for 10 years in such way that it still looks good on you after that. Or shoes/boots that you can wear for 5 years and be happy with it. Things are not the same now. I used to buy boots that you could wear for 5 years but they were not made in China... 

A lot of choices probably is a good thing anyway, i just do not want to spend so much time at the store, I value my time and my money. So buying a complete crap even a cheap one is not nice either.

 I bought a bed in April 2010. It is January now and I already giving away parts of it, as I am going to throw away it soon. My mattress is absolute garbage. All springs are sticking into my ribs already. And I assumed that a bed supposed to last a long time, not half a year. Do I want a new bed? No, I don't. Do I have to buy it? I am afraid I have to.

I do not like sleeping on springs. Not much fun after all. So what is sustaining our economy - our buying power, or existence of credit cards, as our buying power is close to zero, as most of us are in a survival mode anyway? Well, I am all for choices, for lots of choices - in employment possibilities, in cheap housing, in healthy nutritional food.  Wishful thinking, I am afraid, it's not going to happen. not in my lifetime.