How to keep your optimism when you don't have any.

   I was never an optimistic person. Every time something happened I always noticed bad features first and only then some good or positive results of any event. It probably happened early in my life and started with my mom who was very pessimistic all her life and I saw her more often crying than laughing. Actually I never remember her laughing. It was not my mother's behavior. When I grew up I had all kind of events, same as everybody else - education, marriage, children, moving to a different place, then to a different country. I had good and bad things happen to me as anybody else and I cannot complain as good was more present in my life than bad. Unfortunately I could not enjoy my good stuff freely without expecting bad around the corner all the time.
   Now I've come to the period in my life when it looks like there is more bad stuff than good and being in depression looks like a normal result of everything that I have now. And I know that now I can actively create the quality of my life or turn it into a miserable existence without goal and meaning and lots of medications to support its misery and I do not want that.
   First thing probably is not to create unnecessary sufferings by watching bad news on TV or reading tragic stuff in newspapers that are enjoying printing everything bad that happens around the world. Now we can learn about everything - all hurricanes, terrorism, all natural and human created disasters everywhere. If I cannot help it - I don't want to know about it. I wish I could avoid homeless people on the street, it's hard to see them and hard to stay not involved. And what's the point to get involved if you cannot help.
   Good idea is to learn another language. That will give you an extra occupation and you'll expand your cultural horizons at the same time. I am trying to learn a new language - Italian. But it's not easy right now as I do not have a lot of energy and my memory is not as good as it used to be.
   At my age it's hard to make new friends thought I am working on that too. If I will be able to make my right hand to work again properly, I will be able to do some translations as I like it very much. Meaningful occupation is necessary to keep your body and soul together.
   And last but not least - right food for your body is very important, I know that. But for me, I am not sure what kind of food is better for me, as I am not very fond of fruits and vegetables, especially vegetables that are considered the best like spinach and broccoli (I hate broccoli) and fruit that I can afford like apples and bananas and I know that you cannot eat just meat and potatoes all the time and stay healthy. That means I have to work on that. I tried to become a vegetarian but so far it's not working at all for me. And nothing taste good for me nowadays. What I liked to eat before, I don't like now. May be I just have to stop to expect the enjoyment from eating at all and just eat something when I am hungry. Not very fond of this idea, have to work on that too.
   May be I should try to eat food that I never ate before, may be I am just tired to eat the same every day. May be I should try pumpkin instead of oatmeal in the morning and frog legs for dinner? How about goat milk instead of cow's? Though I tried goat milk before and did not find it really tasty. It keeps it's smell - goat smell, same as other goat products. I do not really like almond or any other nut milks that are sold now everywhere and have all kinds of stuff added to it. And making your own nut milk is rather expensive as nuts are not cheap. At least I can make my own yogurt, I like that, though you cannot eat just yogurt and nothing more, you need good calories and good protein and fat and some carbs too. I still like honey, but honey by itself is not food and you cannot eat a lot of it. I still like fish in general. I guess I have to learn to cook more of it. It's good protein and good fat if it's a fatty fish.
   I need more energy, then I will be able to travel at least around Canada as this country has many interesting places that I would like to see with my own eyes, not in the pictures or on TV.
    Let's stay busy!

When life lost it's meaning' you have to find it.

   I know, it's hard to live when suddenly you feel like your life is over but you are still not dead and somehow you have to eat, sleep and support yourself though you don't feel like there is any sense in doing that. That happened to me last year when I suddenly found myself in the hospital after a stroke. Those first months were absolutely most horrible in my life. I could not walk, my right hand was like a piece of cloth. I was thinking about killing myself as the only option, because life in a wheel-chair is not for me. Then suddenly, I realized that I can learn how to walk again and my will to live returned and I had a goal - to get my health back as much as possible. I left my hospital with a walker but not with a wheel-chair. Now, year ahead I don't use any help with walking but I still work on my right arm and think I will be able to return it back eventually. When and how - it's another story. The worst part in it is the necessity to retire from work and from that working environment I was so used to have. Now I feel like I am a fish from water but I guess I have to get used to it. Not much water here in London,Ontario, by the way. That river they have looks like a dirty swamp here in downtown. Not event much attraction to go there.
  May be I will learn another language and write a novel. I have some ideas but I put them on a side burner long time ago and now it looks like those ideas expired in the process of my living life. May be not completely. May be I just need more time to get better first.
   Would be nice to find some friends here but I guess I am not very good at it. People do not like strangers here, I noticed. I have one friend, she lives in Toronto and now she has a new boyfriend, so she is busy and I do not want to bother her a lot, but at least I have somebody to call when I feel completely lost and forgotten. And I feel it every day unfortunately. May be I should travel more, at least in London and around while weather is still good. And this year weather is pretty good to us. Not much cold  still and no snow and temperature still in plus though it's the end of October. Hopefully it stays like that for a little while. It's nice outside and you do not need a lot of sweaters, not yet.

What makes us the way we are?

  What exactly makes us? Why we are what we are? And why is it so hard to change? Your personality, your habits, your life.  I never thought about my life a lot, I just lived it. In my old country food was not plenty when  grew up. You just have to eat what you have and glad that you have it. Then society had changed. Now we have cheap food made from crap mostly and expensive food - organic, almond, gluten free, what not. I don't know what ordinary, not rich people eat in my old country, as I haven't been there for a long time, but I know that in Canada all that organic food is nor accessible for middle class, if we have such in Canada. Some people say, that we have not such class anymore. Just rich and poor. That means I am poor now.
   I can think now, I have time for that. I have my small old age pension and have to survive on it. But I still want to survive good way. I don't drink, smoke, my blood pressure medication is not that expensive right now and I still hope to find way to lower blood pressure somehow, don't know yet how, so not to stuff myself with medications too much. I want to live near my children, not in a different city like now. I know that I cannot do a lot, but may be I still have some years of some productive activity.
   I know that everything we eat, everything we do shapes us and with good genetics and healthy life style you can live long  and be happy unless you meet with some terrorists or you decide to cross the road in a wrong place at the wrong time. Crossing the road is easier in London than in Toronto and we have less terrorists here I hope, but healthy life style? Not so sure about that.
   We have a natural river here in London, Ontario but no one swims in it because it is polluted and everywhere in downtown near river there are bushes of wild grass and piles of stones and dirt and bad smell from water in some places on a hot day. We have a swimming pool downtown near river on Ridout St but who wants to pay $ 4.50 for a swim, not me for sure. Would be nice to have an open pool that is affordable but not in London probably and not for poor people. 
   In some places people do not swim in the river because they have crocodiles there. We do not swim in the river here because we were so stupid and reckless that we managed to pollute it to the point that no one even wants to come close to it. Only ducks seem happy and I cannot pretend I am the one.Shame, what can I say. Natural source of health and no one can use it for free. Want to swim, pay 4.50 and go ahead. And what if I don't want to spend 4.50 just to sit in water for 2 hours. I still need to buy food though I don't need a lot. At least we have green parks and relatively fresh air, thanks for that, government, I am very happy already.
   Well, next time I move, I will find a place with some natural water near by I hope and relatively clean one. I just need to find such place. I tried before I moved to London but could not find anything and I did not have a lot of time for looking, so I chose London and now I am here. I just did not expect it to be so conservative in many ways and though people are not very friendly here, they are very polite as a rule, even homeless. They ask you for money and if you do not give them any, they still say thank you. I am impressed. If I were homeless for any reason I would never thank anybody I think. But then I was never homeless so I don't know. I cannot get used to see so many beggars in London. Are they all so desperate, or is it just a habit to get some free money? I don't know. But it does not look good for a city. I wish somebody could do something, I mean somebody who has authority in society. Most of these people are quite young and could be working somewhere not begging on a street. But I know how hard for young people to find a job in Canada. My youngest kid is still unemployed with university diploma and good habits and living in Toronto.

Something else about diet

   I hate this word 'diet'. When people tell me about diet, I immediately imagine pieces of sour grapefruit and a bland vegetable soup with nothing in it but fresh cabbage or sauerkraut, that's what we ate at my time in my old country. I remember when my husband told me that he was going on a diet and asked me to cook a vegetable soup for him. I tried to make it taste better so I put some hot pepper in it. Very little, just to flavor it. My husband was so angry at me. He told me that I ruined his diet soup, so I had to cook it again without hot pepper in it. My husband was eating this soup for a whole day and no matter how often he ate it, he still felt hungry, so at the end of the day he told me he could not do it any more and fried himself two eggs with butter, as he could not stand this diet.
   In my country I tried to starve myself in order not to gain weight. It was easy as we did not have a lot of food and people knew how to maximize what they had and stretch food so it lasted longer.
  I know my mom did that too just differently. If she did not have enough food she would drink some tea with sugar and a piece of bread with margarine. Not the best diet. I did not like margarine and I eliminated sugar from my drinks after my first son was born though I did not know that sugar is bad for you at that time. I just felt it 's better to put less empty calories into my food.
   Here in Canada I see another problem. If you do not have a lot of money, cheapest food is not the best in quality and has lots of preservatives and just dubious chemicals that do not do anything for your nutritional requirement. Some people I know just go and buy some pizza for lunch and leftover of it might serve as a dinner.
    I do not spent a lot of energy now as I am not working and do not have to jump from my bed and run to catch the bus. But I still want to eat good affordable food and not to feel malnourished and not to gain extra weight. I am used to eating small portions but I still need those portions though here in London, Ontario I have to walk quite a distance in order to get some affordable food as close to my place on Dundas street there is nothing but pizza places on every corner and I cannot treat pizza as a regular meal. There is a small grocery store close to Adelaide St on Dundas but it's not cheap at all. I still don't know if butter is really bad for you as olive oil is expensive, nuts are not cheap either. My friend in Toronto (where you can find a lot of cheap food places by the way), she does not eat meat or fish, just vegetables and fruits and nuts. but for me such diet does not feel right and I think that counting calories is the stupidest thing that was invented by food industry to distract us from food quality and prices. I don't know anything about organic food but prices on that are overwhelming. Best I can do is to buy organic eggs sometimes, not often.
   Market in London is not cheap but sometimes you can buy some groceries on discount or some fruit salads that you can eat as it's easy for me to buy a ready made salad than regular fruits separately and make my own with one hand in use. Other salads I just do not like, though I eat tomatoes when I manage to buy the good ones.
   Right now it's the right season to have tomatoes and prices are not bad. In winter they will be more expensive and rather tasteless. In winter I prefer cabbage salad or may be some salads from a jar. Though those from a jar are not cheap either. They started to sell boiled peeled beats in a vacuumed package in Dollarama. I find it very convenient for a beat salad and it costs one dollar and 25 cents for a half-kilo of ready for anything product. Very nice.
  

Not to pick up extra weight

  When you are older it's usually hard not to pick up some extra pounds, especially if you are good at it. For me through all my adult life it was always easy to gain and hard to drop. Now, when I cannot even exercise with lots of strength like running or swimming because my blood pressure medication makes me weak and robs me of my energy whatever is still left in me, I have to be more creative. Of course I can walk and I walk as much as I can every day, but when it's time for lunch, I have to figure out, what to eat and what I have to forget about completely from now on. My diet has to be completely different from a regular person who gets up and goes to work every day. I cannot do it any more, I am retired, may be for good.
  I cannot say I like the situation but what can you do? If you cannot kill them, join them, or something like that. Well, I came from culture with lots of potatoes, meat, fish, fried, smoked and lots of it consumed every day, every meal. I did not have a lot of appetite when I was a child but boy-or-boy I have it now! I can eat my breakfast and feel hungry in an hour. I like bacon, fried potatoes with eggs and sausage, smoked meat and fish. I don't eat a lot but I can eat often enough to compensate those small meals. And you know what? Never mind what you eat between meals, even if it is a cracker with cream cheese or jam, you still add some pounds, whether you like it or not. The only thing that will add  nothing is a piece of orange or some other fresh fruit or veggie, like apple or cherry and may be cucumber or tomato but no dressing with it.
  Right now I am trying to drop to become 65 kg, as this was my weight at 25 and I think that's the only weight that may be helping me to control my blood pressure at 65.
  May be I am mistaken but let me try, then we'll see. I still need like 4-5  pound to loose to bring me to this weight, but for some reason my body does not want to do that. Other than starvation I tried everything. And I do not want to keep me hungry, as it's not going to hold in the long run and I need to drop the extra pounds and  keep them there.
   Vegetarian food make me feel like a cow in the field, but without meat, it's easier to keep your weight off . I stopped eating sugar, but that did not make lots of difference. Now, what's next to go? I still have a sausage in my freezer and some chicken bones. And 2 pieces of chicken breast. I hate chicken breast, -please, don't tell that to starving kids in Africa!

How not to become a homeless person

   How not to become a homeless person? It's not good to be a homeless for many reasons. First of all our climate is very unstable. We have like two-three months with good warm weather and then suddenly we have rain, frost, sleet or whatever you call that thing that falls from the sky and freezes around you and you need a warm place to hide from it.
    I am not going to tell you about weather in December or January when cold wind and frost around -20C and more can totally kill somebody on a street, especially if you do not have food in your stomach  and warm boots on your feet. How to avoid that? Well, we all live somewhere. We are not born on a street, not in this country, not as a rule. So, if you live somewhere and you know that you have to move for all kinds of reasons, don't do that before you find a place you can afford and can live in. If you don't have money, you can always get some crappy job or some government support until you find a job.
   Sometimes it's very difficult to find any job if you are too young or to old to work. If you are too young you have to wait until the age when you'll be allowed to work. I am not sure if it 16 or 18, but I am sure that you can clench your fists and your soul and wait couple of years if necessary until you job will give you the possibility of independence from circumstances you are right now. I know it's possible, I've been there. I wanted to run away but realized that they will just return me back and eventually I managed to get away and change my circumstances.
    I know it's not easy, but life is not easy for most people and we have to adjust our wishes very often due to circumstances we cannot change right now. It's much harder to change your circumstances when you are on a street already, so do not put yourself into that position, it's not necessary and is not that kind of freedom you are looking for, not in our society, not in our climate. It's good thing we have Internet nowadays, free in a library, and you can always find on line all kinds of ads regarding rental places. Kijiji gives lots of variants and it's very easy to use and you can find all kinds of places for any budget anywhere in most places in Canada.

I am an invisible woman.

   I think I've become completely invisible  here in London, Ontario. I don't even need magic for that. I just have to be what I am now - disable, poor and old, not beautiful, not pretty, not well dressed or with good make-up, just plain old. I am not ugly yet, people usually notice an ugly person, because he/she is different from others in his/her ugliness but me - I just plain and old. My stroke made me old right away - I used to be pretty (I was told) and now I am nothing but plain and old and that bothers me sometimes, because I am not used to be invisible and now it happens every day. One day I may be crashed between doors and people would wonder, what is it that stuck in the door so no one can open it properly. And it will be me.
   May be I am not the only one. May be we have lots of people like that, people we never notice, because they are invisible. They walk around us, they sit on benches and on pavements on the streets. They do not have anything to do , nowhere to go. No one waits for them, no one wants them. There is no place for them anywhere. At least I am not homeless, not yet and I will try not to be the one.
   It's very cold in winter on a street even if you are invisible. You still need some warm place and some food and not just coffee and donuts. Sometimes those invisible people feel like they cannot be invisible anymore. Then they cry, shout something, then a security shows up or police, or both and they make them stop crying loudly,because no one wants them to bother the rest of us - visible people. If you still can tolerate your invisibility, you are not going to shout, you'll keep quiet like a mouse,doing what you have to do - nothing, just don't bother anybody and don't open your mouth.
 When those people shout all the time and become very dirty in rugs, then they become a little visible and they eventually disappear from the streets. Where? I have no idea. May be they just die, or go to prison. I don't know. I've never been in that position, not yet. But I am clearly invisible woman now, as no one needs me, no one calls me or talks to me, no one is interested in me in any way, and it makes me sad as I don't want to be like that but don't know how to become visible again.

He hated nursing home so much

  When your husband is dead, what do you feel? I feel loneliness - like lonely for ever. When I was young I thought, we have to live long and die at once together, but when you get older you understand that that's impossible because we all live and age and die differently. My husband spent his last 10 years at nursing home, and I still don't know why he died because though he had a stroke and a very bad one, I hoped he would somehow recover or at least partially recover and it never happened and I had to place him into a nursing home and go to work to support myself and help my children to get on their feet and that went wrong too but that's another story. After 10 years there, he just expired.
   He hated nursing home and all that inability to do what you want when you want so much. Nursing home is a bad place, I agree. Only when you are completely helpless and cannot do anything for yourself, you should go there, otherwise you better stay home and take care of yourself as good as you can for as long as you can. Of course if you have a place you can call a home and can support yourself and can pay for some extra help. I am still waiting for my financial report from government as my pension is too small to live on and for some reason I am not entitled to get ODSP any more.
   My husband was very healthy all his life, same as me. I did not expect his early demise and now I feel like part of my soul died with him and all I need from him just his presence - I don't need anything, just please, be here.
   I am not a religious person so I do not expect to meet him after life. I believe that death is a final thing and there is not a chance that his soul exists in universe without a body. And loneliness is probably the worst thing after sickness that human being can experience on this earth. With me sickness and loneliness go together like two crazy sisters and stand behind me every time I open my eyes in the morning telling me, 'why don't you go and kill yourself, no one needs you any more.'  As if it's the best solution and I know it is not. There is so many things in life I never had a chance to meet, to see, to experience and now I have time to experience, to get acquainted, to learn. I have to use that possibility to my advantage. There is a reason to my existence, same as to anybody else, I am sure of that. I wish I did not feel that loneliness every day though I have to get used to it - there is not a lot of options for me now.
   I thought about going back to my old country, but my old country does not have anybody any more of my close relatives, no one need me there and I don't have any means to live there on. So what's the point? I will be as lonely there as I am here in Canada, so I stay. At least in Canada people do not usually say to your face what they think about you, they are more reserved. In Canada people do not like to interfere. They will leave you alone and let you swim in your own misery for as long as you can, just don't ask for anything, it's not their business.
    So, why am I writing all this? May be somebody will read this and will think,' I am better than that, I don't feel as bad,' or 'that's exactly as I feel, I am not alone in my misery.'  And it's always easier when somebody understands you and feels like you.

First time in your life you are on your own

   It's not easy to be completely on your own if you are not used to it. I never in my life lived on my own, I always had somebody around. My parents, then my husband, then my kids.
  And now I have nobody but old me. And I am in a new city London, Ontario and I am in Canada now and I cannot work any more as I am disabled now and now I have to rely on whatever government decides to pay me to survive. I don't even know if I will be able to survive on that money. But we are born to live and life is not easy for most people and it's not going to be easier when you get older, you just have to hold on to whatever is left for you and make the most of it and I am planning to do just that.
   First of all I need to explore London as there are some better places I am sure in London than downtown, where I live right now I just have to find them as I am not interested in restaurants and museums much and I had enough stores to visit in Toronto where I lived before.
  In London I am looking for some quiet nature escapes if possible and I still have to drop my blood pressure somehow because I don't like pills but don't have a choice right now but take pills as my blood pressure is like a wild beast without a cage, you never know when he will jump at you.
  The only good thing for me in downtown is the library as I can use Internet and books, even Russian books they have, because I don't know Russian contemporary literature at all and I can get some knowledge here and it's very pleasant as Russian is my native language and I like reading. So nature and reading is good combination for a person with one hand working (and unfortunately it is not my best hand). Hopefully I will be able to exercise my right hand to the point when it will start working somehow so I don't have to feel like an invalid as I hate that feeling of helplessness and the worst thing is when you have to ask somebody for help - I hate it! So is there any advantage in living on your own? We'll see.

When life you had is over.

   When life you had is over you have to create a new life. There should be purpose and necessity and meaningful results and it is hard and sometimes I feel like it's absolutely impossible task, especially when you feel like a completely useless and helpless invalid though it's not so.
  I still have things I like to do and things I can do, and things I can learn how to do. I still can read and I like reading, I can write with my left hand though my hand writing is terrible but with practice it will be better. I can write on a keyboard with left hand and it is not that hard. I can learn a new language.
  I already started to learn Italian and if I will not be able to speak, I will certainly be able to read. I still have one friend left. You don't have a lot of friends when you work every day, but now I regret I've lost some of them just by being busy all the time. May be in future when my right hand  will be working I will be able to have a part time job, or may be I will write a novel, I have some ideas, had them for a long time, just had no time for that before and now time is all I have, I can use it in full if I want or just be a lady of leisure. How far it will take me? That no one knows. And experience is still experience and a lesson. I used to be a good scholar, so we'll see.
  My kids still remember that I am alive and it's a good thing. Connection with your near and dear is very important, even on a formal basis - telephone call one in 3 months.
   In order to make my hand work I have to force it into movement every day for many hours and that is difficult  as I do not have a lot of energy but I am trying. I hate being an invalid - it's not mine. I used to take care of invalid but I hate it and hate to rely on others - I have to be able to do everything by myself - at least things regarding personal needs. I still need to find somebody in London to socialize, don't know if it's possible, as I feel like a new immigrant in London, as after stroke my accent became worse. Well, cannot help it, we'll see.

Life after stroke and what can you do about it.

   What can you do when your life is almost over?
  Last year I had a stroke, so I had to quit my job,get disability, move from Toronto as I couldn't afford this city anymore. I did not get enough response or help from my children so I had to learn to live with my own decision and resources and it was not an easy task.The worst part about it is that you get depression and your ability to cope with it and your disability becomes very diminished.
  I did not know at first how to kill myself easily and quickly without a lot of drama. Now I know but I don't want to kill myself anymore. I had to learn how to walk and now I can walk without support and far enough and though I still cannot use my right hand, I am working on that hand  every day and eventually I will return my hand to original position I am sure, and this conviction gives me strength to live.
  I have a nice bachelor apartment in London, Ontario. I am still working on my retirement funds as my disability pension expired as I hit 65 recently. I don't like that number but I cannot pretend it's not here. I have to live with it and with my disability and fight for my health with myself, doctors and environment, as food we buy and eat in Canada though plenty not always is healthy for different reasons as it's very difficult to buy healthy food when you don't have any money. I will tell you about my life in London later. May be my experience will be useful for somebody.