Toronto is a good city, where else can I go?

Should I call it town or city? I don't know the difference between those two, earnestly. What  do you expect from a reluctant immigrant? Though technically I am not an immigrant, not anymore. I just do not feel like I belong here, not in Toronto anyway though I cannot say anything bad about it.

I live here, I have a good modest apartment with everything included in it and not that terribly pricey as you might expect in a big city, could be worse. I work. I still have my 2 cats with me though they are not that happy living on a third floor with no escape to the streets that's what they'd love to do, bur cannot. Balcony they don't like, though I find it rather convenient for me. Sometimes I can even have my breakfast there, sitting and enjoying 5 minutes of fresh air and summer breeze before I go to work.

The area is a little bit noisy, it's the corner almost the corner of intersection of 2 large streets that are never quiet completely - day or light. Cars, big trucks, what not, 24 hours a day. Well, you cannot have everything. It's still modest pay in comparison to other areas. I want to move out of this nice town though, I want to live somewhere with less of everything, where I can hear birds and be able to talk to somebody on a street without rising my voice, just to walk on a street without all that deathening noise of a big city.

 I'd like to have some river, lake, some water near by, so I can enjoy nature a little bit more. The problem is always the same - work. Where can I find work in a smaller city? I do not have a demanded profession, skills that can easily land you a job anywhere. Nowadays even with skills people are struggling. I am not a nurse or a doctor, I cannot expect to drop one job and to find another right away.

 Money, money, why do we always need them? I feel like I work too much but not going anywhere, like nothing to look forward to. If I retire at 65, I am not going to get enough money to live comfortably on, I will still have to work and I hate that. And I am still far from 65, I still have to work and work, and work... I live frugally but I still do not have savings, I have to think about living in poverty if I retire and I hate that. Being old and poor, what could be worse?

Well, Toronto is a good city. It's clean, lots of nice parks, Ontario lake you can go to if you can endure 1-2 hours trip (without a car), because public transportation right now is not that great. Far from that. Most of the time I just prefer to stay at home, when I have a luxury of free time of course. I am not keen on restaurants or pubs, as it is always require money I do not have, or time I do not posses either. So other than work nothing keeps me in Toronto, well, it gives my two sons place to live I guess, but I am sure they will manage without me.

The question is where else can I possibly go? Any ideas?

Big city lights: loneliness in a big city.

I've never thought it could be like that. By a stupid chance I've got myself living in a small town dreaming, longing about big city lights and noise, and all that hustle and bustle. People are everywhere. There is not time or space to feel lonely or to be depressed.
 And how far it was  from the truth! Now I am here, in a big city. Yes, noise is here all right,everywhere, no escape from it; and people, people who are trying to avoid you, not to push you or touch you. But they do not see you, unless you are wearing something outrageous or behave obnoxiously, - they do not pay attention, they do not know you. You are just a part of urban landscape, a moving part. Now you are here and next time you are gone.
Sometimes it feels strange, sometimes it hurts. You want somebody to say "hi" to you, or just talk to you or may be even swear at you, anything but that blank wall in their eyes. Eyes that see and don't see, people that hear and don't listen. And then loneliness creeps inside you, like a cold wind on the frosty day. You start shivering on a hot summer day, not because you are cold, but because you feel as if your soul is shrinking inside you, and there is no way you can stop that unless you find somebody who is going to listen, who can understand, who can share your feelings, who is your friend or just another human being who cares.
Yesterday I had a chance to talk to an elderly lady. We've been talking about living in immigration, how it affects your life, your children. She said a remarkable thing, " What's a point of having nice things if you do not have anybody to share it with?"  She lives in big city, same as me. She is an immigrant here, same as me. And she tries hard not to feel lonely, isolated, unwanted and unneeded.
 I guess when you come to a different country, you leave something more than just memories and distant (close) relatives back there. You leave your whole big world back there and you cannot replace it here in your new country, and you cannot bring your world with you.  It may be good or bad but it's yours and you will miss it for the rest of your life, unless... but that's another story and it needs another hero, not me. I am just a face in the crowd, a tired face with blank eyes that stare at you but do not see you, that do not want me to touch you or deal with you in any way... sorry, do not have time, I am in a hurry, do not want to miss my bus, I am taking home my groceries and my loneliness too...