Why I left Toronto and do I regret it?

From my files - flower that blooms in winter every year

   Today I want to talk about that unlucky people who do not have enough money to buy their own place where they feel at home and where they can live happily after that. Unfortunately I belong to that category too. I never had enough money to buy my own place and though at one time my husband and me had our house that brought us nothing but lots of debts and lots of unnecessary worries and I don't want to talk about that now.
   Let's talk about renters.
    I've been living in Toronto, Ontario for many years since my emigration to Canada. Different years but not very happy some of them. Well, everything was okay until I got sick and could not work and could not afford my two bedroom apartment anymore. And I could not afford one bedroom or even bachelor any more. And my 10 years waiting for subsidized place did not give me any results. I was told by authorities that I need a paper from my doctor that I will die in a year or two and then I might get a subsidized place of my own. How do you like that? My doctor did not give me a paper like that. So I had two options - to kill myself right away or to move outside Toronto where I can pay less for my place.
   I tried Oshawa, Barry. I still naively thought that I can live close to Toronto. No such luck. It was difficult for me to travel around after stroke, as it took me almost 6 months before I was able to walk again - more or less. I found one place in Hamilton but I did not like it as it was in a rather noisy area close to downtown. I did not want to live on the streets so I kept looking.
   Finally I found an apartment in London, Ontario that I was sure I could afford and moved there. It was the best decision for me and I think for anyone who is not working for some reasons that kind of move can be a good decision as rental prices in Toronto are close to astronomical now and go up every year. Of course if you have a good job and can afford Toronto it's one thing. But if you are struggle every month to pay your rent, you have to think about it and may be move from Toronto for good. Life in Toronto brings more fun but can you afford it?
   Nowadays we have Internet and phone to keep us connected to people we love so distance is not a problem. It's just a habit as I think - to live in a certain place and of course - there are some problems living in a small city. You still have to have a certain income, pay your rent, and in a large city there are much more places to go and see something interesting. Lake Ontario is a great attraction too. I miss it here in London. And there are not enough doctors here in London. Other than that - not much difference. Lots of quiet places, green and comfortable here if you find a right place to live. I am okay and no regrets at all regarding my move. I am happy here.

Should we be hungry and homeless? What do we care about?

Summer in Stratford, photo by me. Like my native town - small and cosy.

   I grew in a small town in Latvia. As in any small town people knew each other. My mother was an ordinary schoolteacher. She taught some elementary school kids until she grew tired of it, got another diploma in mathematics and started teaching high school kids; it was more difficult and more rewarding.
   She knew most of the people in our town. After 35 years of teaching, you could say that she taught 90% of population of our small town. She was very good as a teacher, and kids and their parents loved her. She always tried to do her best professionally and to help students in her class to succeed. My mother never had much money (teachers at that time in my old country were paid very little). But, if a student in her class did not have a winter coat and his parents could not afford to buy, she would go and buy it for him/her and pretend, that school bought it for him. She did not want any personal gratitude, just to help. It was not fair for a child to be cold in winter.
   Society was very poor at that time. People struggled just to survive. There was no social help in any way. If you are sick and cannot support yourself and your children that means, you are pretty much down the drain. It is very nice, when society gives sick and needy people a lot of support, the problem is human nature, I think. If you can get something for nothing, you start abuse it and then there is not enough for those  who really need it. You would probably say: what’s your point? Well, I cannot help thinking: In that nice and clean and civilized country I live now we have such a diversity of social positions and such abundance of everything. Just go to the nearest shopping mall with lots of lights, sea of colors and smells and things you can buy or taste or just enjoy looking at. Among all that abundance why there is still hunger and poverty? Is it our negligence or helplessness? Where are all our numerous charities? Is somebody really helping people? I do not know.
 When my kids and I came to Canada I had just $5 dollars in my pocket and we really struggled at first. Never ever anyone from a single charity came to us and said: here you are guys, here is some relief for you, some help for your kids. But they where knocking on the doors very often, asking to give money for charities! Well, we survived, we never lived on the streets homeless or without food or clothing. I worked any job I could possibly put my hands on and I am not bitter now, just curious. May be I do not understand something, may be I am too stupid or naive. I do not know. But same as my mom I think it is terribly unfair, when money goes first.
   Nobody in a civilized society should be hungry or homeless, or abused, never mind what circumstances are. It looks like in this country if you have a problem, you have to cry pretty loud before somebody will hear you and even louder before somebody will listen. Again it probably sounds too pessimistic and bitter and I do not want it to sound like that. Still correct me if I am wrong.
  People used to worry about their reputation. Now they are worried about their credit score! As long reputation. Now they are worried about their credit score! As long as your credit score is above 680 and you are paying your credit cards off on time, you are a good person. You can rent a nice clean apartment with air conditioner and nice view. You can even buy a house, even without a down payment sometimes. You can buy or lease a nice car with good loan attached to it. With a new car you can find a nice new job if you try. The rest is to follow. Okay, another scenario: your credit score is bad, very bad. You somehow made a terrible crime: lost your credit for some reason.You cannot buy a car: they do not want to give you a loan. Of course you can always buy some old rusty junk on wheels, but what about your image? You cannot possibly go to a good well-paid job driving that falling apart piece of you know what, can you? You see my problem, I am sure. Money somehow always scores. You cannot rent a good apartment, they checked you credit score: no, sorry. Money goes first and nowadays credit score goes before that. You have to be “clean”, or society is not going to trust you.
 So where is the way out? Some suggestion: rob the bank; poison your rich uncle (no uncle? Get big insurance on your husband/wife and make it look like an accident), pretend that you have money, work 2-3 jobs at once, die working, or get a stroke like me, do not buy toilet paper, kick your kids out when they are 16-teen, let them take care of themselves, you have enough worries of your own! Have 10 credit cards, pay 20-30% interest on time, check your credit score every month, sue your neighbor, sue Tim Horton’s, sue somebody. Pretend that you are sick and feeble and get disability and work 2-3 jobs at the same time under the table… Did I miss something? No? Good. Is there still some place left where you still can talk about enjoying life, about pride, dignity, generosity? You are not interested? No time for that? I thought so. Thank you. Have a great day and don't forget to check your credit score and your bank balance at the end of the week.

How to survive when your life takes away everything from you, even lemons...

   Now it is summer of 2019. I was seriously ill, have been at the hospital for some time, almost said good bye to my life but here I am still alive and kicking. Life goes on so far and so is my blog.
   What should I write about? I want to speak about difficult times. What should you do when bad things happen to you? And they do happen sometimes unfortunately.
   When my husband had a stroke at 2006 I  thought my life was over. In a way it was. That life I had before was indeed over but a different one started. When you are still breathing and walking you have to do certain things, you have to survive. Even if you think you cannot tolerate your life anymore. But you have to survive if other people depend on you. You get up and go and do what you have to do and when you cannot stand it anymore you just ... write poems. That's what I was doing then. I would sit or lie down with a piece of paper and a pen or pencil and I would write limericks and do not ask me why. It was my way out. My tiredness and negative emotions would dissolve in my creative outburst and my creative outburst would give me some relaxation. Funny how life turns around unexpectedly sometimes.

There lived one old dame in Siberia,

Every night in her dreams she saw Beria.

Doctor gave her some pills, after swallowing that

She was dreaming about her young neighbor instead,

That silly old dame from Siberia!

   That creative writing helped me to survive my husband's disease, my 3 jobs I had to have before I started getting disability payments for my husband and lots of other stuff your broken life presents you with. I could start smoking or drinking as some people do when they have unbearable problems in their life but instead I created something that normally I didn't do and couldn't do.

There lived that peculiar Miss Yvette,
 She imagined herself as a pussycat. 
She grew up some whiskers and sewed up a tail, 
Tried catching a mouse and completely failed, 
That unlucky cat, Miss Yvette!

Recently I found those limericks and collected them in one place on my computer. They remind me about bad times but for some reason I cannot delete them. So, what do you do when your life takes away everything from you, even lemons? You create something you've never had before. It's not lemonade but might help. It helped me for sure.

Winter is so close, be ready.

Yes, winter is very close. I used to love it. Winter means snow and holidays, skating and skiing and throwing snow balls at your friends and so much more. Winter is like a different world and not just weather.
    I grew up in a small town in Latvia with not much traffic or pedestrians. I could get out of my house, put on skis and just walk to the river that was not that far from my house and I ski there on its snowy banks. On a very cold month part of the river became frozen but I was never allowed to skate or ski there and I understood from early age how dangerous river can be, even if it looks frozen and safe. And we had a good skating rink in town and I used to go there though sometimes I just skated on a frozen road near my house that was almost as slippery as a skating rink but much more dangerous because of traffic.

   In my country at that time they did not put salt on roads just sand and you could always see if road had sand on it or not. Of course less traffic means less sand and more ability to skate there or ski on a side of it. Children always find ways to have some dangerous fun and parents have to work.
   In summer all I usually had was 3 months of holidays - no school, that means swimming, sunbathing and lots of reading. I usually read all books that were assigned for the next year for your reading at school, other books that I liked to read and sometimes when my parents would send me to my grandparents to the country where there was no books other than some old gardening books - you can guess. From early age I knew how to grow fruit trees at least in theory - I would read anything if there is nothing else to do.
   In winter it is quite different. After lots of outside activities in snow it's so nice to stay in a warm place with a book and a cup of tea. I still like it, I mean the second part, staying outside and playing with snow is not for me any more. I still try to go out and walk but here in London, Ontario we do not have a lot of salt on the pavements and the prospect of falling on a slippery road does not give you much needed enthusiasm.
    I am not a big fan of gyms but something needs to be done this winter. Last winter I fell once on ice - very lucky I should say as I had some bruises but nothing was broken and I like that but you cannot wait for luck every time, you have to work for it. Anyway. Warm hats are ready, warm coat is in the closet, boots, gloves,scarfs - lots of scarfs any size and color. All we need some snow and frost and adjust our activities according to season. And if you do not have time to enjoy winter everyday, find time on your weekends to do that. It's just another season and a long one in our climate with its good day and bad ones as any other season. Please, try to enjoy it. I will.

Autumn is here, are you ready?

  I always feel kind of sad when autumn comes here in Canada. It always hit you with cold rain, suddenly cold weather and after couple of days it's warm again but you cannot trust that warmth any more, you know what is coming and soon, may be even next day.
   Winter is very unfriendly here. You should expect snow and lots of it, low temperature, slippery pavements in case you have to walk a lot and I do, and sometimes some kind of sickness or weakness without a reason and in that case you need something to support your system and not to give up. If like me you do not have to get up and go to work anymore, you still need to follow some kind of time schedule for everything - sleep, eating and most important exercise every day. If you do not like going to gym, you still can have some small equipment at home, like a rubber ball, jumping rope or hula-hoop and you should use it every day. Some jogging before breakfast helps too.
   Due to my affliction, I like to call it that, as I do not like word "disease", I cannot jump or jog, but I still do lots of exercises with light weights and a ball and walk twice every day, even around my apartment in winter when it's too slippery. Last winter I was sick with cold only once and very lightly and I think my exercises and total regime helped.
   Of course when you have to sit at your desk all day 5,6 days a week, it's much harder to keep your health, especially in winter, but still some active exercise after work or before can greatly help. I am not going to mention a good diet. Everybody nowadays knows how important that is. I have a bottle of vitamin C on a shelf in my kitchen and cannot imagine start my day without it.
    I do not like vegetables for some reason but I blend and drink them with some nut milk or plain water because I know how important natural vitamins are. In my life I saw people who ate mostly meat and remember how terrible they looked because we need fresh grass same as animals, may be just different grass. In order to stay healthy by eating meat mostly, we have to eat preferably raw meet by catching wild animals like rabbits for example and eating them right away, while they are still warm and civilized people cannot do that, that means we have to eat grass (vegetables) too and lots of it and if we want meat - free range or grass fed animals are the best. And if you cannot afford such meat, you stick to eggs, less expensive fish and some grains with no butter or sugar in it. That's what my life experience tells me to do and I am trying to follow it. Of course sometimes on a hot day you want some ice cream, cannot blame you...
   So, enjoy good days of autumn, don't fret over bad days - more will follow anyway and check your closet re winter boots and jackets and hats, you'll need them soon. I am out for a walk.

Dog is your friend, but are you his?

  They say in my old country that dog is your friend and I see lots of dogs here, in London, Ontario too. Actually I think I see too many dogs here. I understand when people have dogs and cats in their own house with good backyard and lots of space. But what about small apartments in high rise buildings where space is at premium and you can hardly fit everything necessary for your everyday existence there and there is no extra space for a dog. That means you have to go out with your dog very often and go where your dog can run and jump and feel free or you can turn your dog or cat into a sofa pillow and get out for 5 minutes twice a day as you do not have more time, you have to go to work and be there. In that case I think you should not have a dog or cat at all.
    I never had a dog but I had cats and I remember when we had to move from a house to an apartment how hard it was for them to adjust to that life in a small space without going out. And they appreciated their freedom in and around our house. They could go out when they wanted and they learned pretty soon where their property is and where it is not. Now I don't have cats or dogs any more and living myself in a bachelor where even kitchen is included in that room where I sleep, I cannot imagine to have animals there too, though lots of my neighbors have them and though they don't bark a lot (dogs, not neighbors, of course) most of those animals are very restricted by the time they go out.
   One of my neighbors goes out with a dog to the corner of our building and then turns around and goes back to the house right away. I don't think 5 minutes outside is enough for the animal to do his business; may be enough to get some smoke inhalation from his owner as most of them around do smoke (and I mean neighbors, not dogs), but not enough to get some exercise we all need, both humans and animals.
    So if you think that dog is your friend, give him freedom he needs to stay healthy and if you cannot do that for this or that reason, do not keep him in prison of a small apartment where you can hardly fit yourself, give him for adoption to a better place and then tell me that you care about him.
    Of course some people might say that they need a companion, they are lonely, I understand that. Still you have to remember that a dog or a cat is not a toy and to feed him or pet him is not enough and some of us just do not have enough means to take great care of their pets. Just remember, they cannot do it themselves. They cannot rent a bigger apartment or go to work and earn more money and you can. And if you want to keep a pet you have to do just that. You need a good exercise and healthy food every day and so is your pet. You need fresh air without cigarette smoke and so is your pet, you just have to remember that and not to smoke around your pet or your child, I see a lot of that too. Be good to your pet and you will enjoy its healthy company for many years to come.

London, Ontario - I am still here.

 

    Last year I wanted to go and live somewhere else so badly but now I see that there is no place I can go for now. I cannot return to Toronto though my best friend is there and it would be nice to live somewhere near her and see her more that 2 times a year during big holidays when her boyfriend can drive her to London. But living in Toronto is beyond my financial possibilities and there is nothing like in London where I can afford good apartment at least for now. I don't need a lot of space but  I like to have my own with my own furniture and my own bathroom and kitchen. I don't like to share those with strangers.
    I  remember when I was young and newly married I lived in Leningrad, Russia in a communal flat. They had lots of apartments like this at that time in large cities. You have one or two rooms that are yours and the rest of place you have to share with other people. When you have to live with people you don't know and don't want to know and may be you do not even like those people, it's very difficult even when you are young. We had me and my husband there and 3 more families. I don't know if they still have those apartments in Leningrad (St.Petersburg I think it's called now). I hope with name change they changed some social conditions of people who live there, I don't know. I never liked living like that but now I think many people in Toronto have to share their places with others. Renting is expensive in Toronto.
   When I lost my health and my job I realized that if I want to stay in Toronto this is my only option, so I moved out. Canada is big. You always can find a good place to live there, if you don't like yours. You just have to look around.
   For now my life here is quite comfortable. The only thing I am missing is beach in summer and traveling is rather expensive in Canada. And not every place is covered by bus or train. You need a car and driving and I don't have those. And paying for a taxi to go to a different city is not for me and I think not for most people. So I still have to figure the best way to travel here. Of course you can always walk, can't you?










































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