Not to pick up extra weight

  When you are older it's usually hard not to pick up some extra pounds, especially if you are good at it. For me through all my adult life it was always easy to gain and hard to drop. Now, when I cannot even exercise with lots of strength like running or swimming because my blood pressure medication makes me weak and robs me of my energy whatever is still left in me, I have to be more creative. Of course I can walk and I walk as much as I can every day, but when it's time for lunch, I have to figure out, what to eat and what I have to forget about completely from now on. My diet has to be completely different from a regular person who gets up and goes to work every day. I cannot do it any more, I am retired, may be for good.
  I cannot say I like the situation but what can you do? If you cannot kill them, join them, or something like that. Well, I came from culture with lots of potatoes, meat, fish, fried, smoked and lots of it consumed every day, every meal. I did not have a lot of appetite when I was a child but boy-or-boy I have it now! I can eat my breakfast and feel hungry in an hour. I like bacon, fried potatoes with eggs and sausage, smoked meat and fish. I don't eat a lot but I can eat often enough to compensate those small meals. And you know what? Never mind what you eat between meals, even if it is a cracker with cream cheese or jam, you still add some pounds, whether you like it or not. The only thing that will add  nothing is a piece of orange or some other fresh fruit or veggie, like apple or cherry and may be cucumber or tomato but no dressing with it.
  Right now I am trying to drop to become 65 kg, as this was my weight at 25 and I think that's the only weight that may be helping me to control my blood pressure at 65.
  May be I am mistaken but let me try, then we'll see. I still need like 4-5  pound to loose to bring me to this weight, but for some reason my body does not want to do that. Other than starvation I tried everything. And I do not want to keep me hungry, as it's not going to hold in the long run and I need to drop the extra pounds and  keep them there.
   Vegetarian food make me feel like a cow in the field, but without meat, it's easier to keep your weight off . I stopped eating sugar, but that did not make lots of difference. Now, what's next to go? I still have a sausage in my freezer and some chicken bones. And 2 pieces of chicken breast. I hate chicken breast, -please, don't tell that to starving kids in Africa!

How not to become a homeless person

   How not to become a homeless person? It's not good to be a homeless for many reasons. First of all our climate is very unstable. We have like two-three months with good warm weather and then suddenly we have rain, frost, sleet or whatever you call that thing that falls from the sky and freezes around you and you need a warm place to hide from it.
    I am not going to tell you about weather in December or January when cold wind and frost around -20C and more can totally kill somebody on a street, especially if you do not have food in your stomach  and warm boots on your feet. How to avoid that? Well, we all live somewhere. We are not born on a street, not in this country, not as a rule. So, if you live somewhere and you know that you have to move for all kinds of reasons, don't do that before you find a place you can afford and can live in. If you don't have money, you can always get some crappy job or some government support until you find a job.
   Sometimes it's very difficult to find any job if you are too young or to old to work. If you are too young you have to wait until the age when you'll be allowed to work. I am not sure if it 16 or 18, but I am sure that you can clench your fists and your soul and wait couple of years if necessary until you job will give you the possibility of independence from circumstances you are right now. I know it's possible, I've been there. I wanted to run away but realized that they will just return me back and eventually I managed to get away and change my circumstances.
    I know it's not easy, but life is not easy for most people and we have to adjust our wishes very often due to circumstances we cannot change right now. It's much harder to change your circumstances when you are on a street already, so do not put yourself into that position, it's not necessary and is not that kind of freedom you are looking for, not in our society, not in our climate. It's good thing we have Internet nowadays, free in a library, and you can always find on line all kinds of ads regarding rental places. Kijiji gives lots of variants and it's very easy to use and you can find all kinds of places for any budget anywhere in most places in Canada.

I am an invisible woman.

   I think I've become completely invisible  here in London, Ontario. I don't even need magic for that. I just have to be what I am now - disable, poor and old, not beautiful, not pretty, not well dressed or with good make-up, just plain old. I am not ugly yet, people usually notice an ugly person, because he/she is different from others in his/her ugliness but me - I just plain and old. My stroke made me old right away - I used to be pretty (I was told) and now I am nothing but plain and old and that bothers me sometimes, because I am not used to be invisible and now it happens every day. One day I may be crashed between doors and people would wonder, what is it that stuck in the door so no one can open it properly. And it will be me.
   May be I am not the only one. May be we have lots of people like that, people we never notice, because they are invisible. They walk around us, they sit on benches and on pavements on the streets. They do not have anything to do , nowhere to go. No one waits for them, no one wants them. There is no place for them anywhere. At least I am not homeless, not yet and I will try not to be the one.
   It's very cold in winter on a street even if you are invisible. You still need some warm place and some food and not just coffee and donuts. Sometimes those invisible people feel like they cannot be invisible anymore. Then they cry, shout something, then a security shows up or police, or both and they make them stop crying loudly,because no one wants them to bother the rest of us - visible people. If you still can tolerate your invisibility, you are not going to shout, you'll keep quiet like a mouse,doing what you have to do - nothing, just don't bother anybody and don't open your mouth.
 When those people shout all the time and become very dirty in rugs, then they become a little visible and they eventually disappear from the streets. Where? I have no idea. May be they just die, or go to prison. I don't know. I've never been in that position, not yet. But I am clearly invisible woman now, as no one needs me, no one calls me or talks to me, no one is interested in me in any way, and it makes me sad as I don't want to be like that but don't know how to become visible again.

He hated nursing home so much

  When your husband is dead, what do you feel? I feel loneliness - like lonely for ever. When I was young I thought, we have to live long and die at once together, but when you get older you understand that that's impossible because we all live and age and die differently. My husband spent his last 10 years at nursing home, and I still don't know why he died because though he had a stroke and a very bad one, I hoped he would somehow recover or at least partially recover and it never happened and I had to place him into a nursing home and go to work to support myself and help my children to get on their feet and that went wrong too but that's another story. After 10 years there, he just expired.
   He hated nursing home and all that inability to do what you want when you want so much. Nursing home is a bad place, I agree. Only when you are completely helpless and cannot do anything for yourself, you should go there, otherwise you better stay home and take care of yourself as good as you can for as long as you can. Of course if you have a place you can call a home and can support yourself and can pay for some extra help. I am still waiting for my financial report from government as my pension is too small to live on and for some reason I am not entitled to get ODSP any more.
   My husband was very healthy all his life, same as me. I did not expect his early demise and now I feel like part of my soul died with him and all I need from him just his presence - I don't need anything, just please, be here.
   I am not a religious person so I do not expect to meet him after life. I believe that death is a final thing and there is not a chance that his soul exists in universe without a body. And loneliness is probably the worst thing after sickness that human being can experience on this earth. With me sickness and loneliness go together like two crazy sisters and stand behind me every time I open my eyes in the morning telling me, 'why don't you go and kill yourself, no one needs you any more.'  As if it's the best solution and I know it is not. There is so many things in life I never had a chance to meet, to see, to experience and now I have time to experience, to get acquainted, to learn. I have to use that possibility to my advantage. There is a reason to my existence, same as to anybody else, I am sure of that. I wish I did not feel that loneliness every day though I have to get used to it - there is not a lot of options for me now.
   I thought about going back to my old country, but my old country does not have anybody any more of my close relatives, no one need me there and I don't have any means to live there on. So what's the point? I will be as lonely there as I am here in Canada, so I stay. At least in Canada people do not usually say to your face what they think about you, they are more reserved. In Canada people do not like to interfere. They will leave you alone and let you swim in your own misery for as long as you can, just don't ask for anything, it's not their business.
    So, why am I writing all this? May be somebody will read this and will think,' I am better than that, I don't feel as bad,' or 'that's exactly as I feel, I am not alone in my misery.'  And it's always easier when somebody understands you and feels like you.

First time in your life you are on your own

   It's not easy to be completely on your own if you are not used to it. I never in my life lived on my own, I always had somebody around. My parents, then my husband, then my kids.
  And now I have nobody but old me. And I am in a new city London, Ontario and I am in Canada now and I cannot work any more as I am disabled now and now I have to rely on whatever government decides to pay me to survive. I don't even know if I will be able to survive on that money. But we are born to live and life is not easy for most people and it's not going to be easier when you get older, you just have to hold on to whatever is left for you and make the most of it and I am planning to do just that.
   First of all I need to explore London as there are some better places I am sure in London than downtown, where I live right now I just have to find them as I am not interested in restaurants and museums much and I had enough stores to visit in Toronto where I lived before.
  In London I am looking for some quiet nature escapes if possible and I still have to drop my blood pressure somehow because I don't like pills but don't have a choice right now but take pills as my blood pressure is like a wild beast without a cage, you never know when he will jump at you.
  The only good thing for me in downtown is the library as I can use Internet and books, even Russian books they have, because I don't know Russian contemporary literature at all and I can get some knowledge here and it's very pleasant as Russian is my native language and I like reading. So nature and reading is good combination for a person with one hand working (and unfortunately it is not my best hand). Hopefully I will be able to exercise my right hand to the point when it will start working somehow so I don't have to feel like an invalid as I hate that feeling of helplessness and the worst thing is when you have to ask somebody for help - I hate it! So is there any advantage in living on your own? We'll see.

When life you had is over.

   When life you had is over you have to create a new life. There should be purpose and necessity and meaningful results and it is hard and sometimes I feel like it's absolutely impossible task, especially when you feel like a completely useless and helpless invalid though it's not so.
  I still have things I like to do and things I can do, and things I can learn how to do. I still can read and I like reading, I can write with my left hand though my hand writing is terrible but with practice it will be better. I can write on a keyboard with left hand and it is not that hard. I can learn a new language.
  I already started to learn Italian and if I will not be able to speak, I will certainly be able to read. I still have one friend left. You don't have a lot of friends when you work every day, but now I regret I've lost some of them just by being busy all the time. May be in future when my right hand  will be working I will be able to have a part time job, or may be I will write a novel, I have some ideas, had them for a long time, just had no time for that before and now time is all I have, I can use it in full if I want or just be a lady of leisure. How far it will take me? That no one knows. And experience is still experience and a lesson. I used to be a good scholar, so we'll see.
  My kids still remember that I am alive and it's a good thing. Connection with your near and dear is very important, even on a formal basis - telephone call one in 3 months.
   In order to make my hand work I have to force it into movement every day for many hours and that is difficult  as I do not have a lot of energy but I am trying. I hate being an invalid - it's not mine. I used to take care of invalid but I hate it and hate to rely on others - I have to be able to do everything by myself - at least things regarding personal needs. I still need to find somebody in London to socialize, don't know if it's possible, as I feel like a new immigrant in London, as after stroke my accent became worse. Well, cannot help it, we'll see.

Life after stroke and what can you do about it.

   What can you do when your life is almost over?
  Last year I had a stroke, so I had to quit my job,get disability, move from Toronto as I couldn't afford this city anymore. I did not get enough response or help from my children so I had to learn to live with my own decision and resources and it was not an easy task.The worst part about it is that you get depression and your ability to cope with it and your disability becomes very diminished.
  I did not know at first how to kill myself easily and quickly without a lot of drama. Now I know but I don't want to kill myself anymore. I had to learn how to walk and now I can walk without support and far enough and though I still cannot use my right hand, I am working on that hand  every day and eventually I will return my hand to original position I am sure, and this conviction gives me strength to live.
  I have a nice bachelor apartment in London, Ontario. I am still working on my retirement funds as my disability pension expired as I hit 65 recently. I don't like that number but I cannot pretend it's not here. I have to live with it and with my disability and fight for my health with myself, doctors and environment, as food we buy and eat in Canada though plenty not always is healthy for different reasons as it's very difficult to buy healthy food when you don't have any money. I will tell you about my life in London later. May be my experience will be useful for somebody.