He hated nursing home so much

  When your husband is dead, what do you feel? I feel loneliness - like lonely for ever. When I was young I thought, we have to live long and die at once together, but when you get older you understand that that's impossible because we all live and age and die differently. My husband spent his last 10 years at nursing home, and I still don't know why he died because though he had a stroke and a very bad one, I hoped he would somehow recover or at least partially recover and it never happened and I had to place him into a nursing home and go to work to support myself and help my children to get on their feet and that went wrong too but that's another story. After 10 years there, he just expired.
   He hated nursing home and all that inability to do what you want when you want so much. Nursing home is a bad place, I agree. Only when you are completely helpless and cannot do anything for yourself, you should go there, otherwise you better stay home and take care of yourself as good as you can for as long as you can. Of course if you have a place you can call a home and can support yourself and can pay for some extra help. I am still waiting for my financial report from government as my pension is too small to live on and for some reason I am not entitled to get ODSP any more.
   My husband was very healthy all his life, same as me. I did not expect his early demise and now I feel like part of my soul died with him and all I need from him just his presence - I don't need anything, just please, be here.
   I am not a religious person so I do not expect to meet him after life. I believe that death is a final thing and there is not a chance that his soul exists in universe without a body. And loneliness is probably the worst thing after sickness that human being can experience on this earth. With me sickness and loneliness go together like two crazy sisters and stand behind me every time I open my eyes in the morning telling me, 'why don't you go and kill yourself, no one needs you any more.'  As if it's the best solution and I know it is not. There is so many things in life I never had a chance to meet, to see, to experience and now I have time to experience, to get acquainted, to learn. I have to use that possibility to my advantage. There is a reason to my existence, same as to anybody else, I am sure of that. I wish I did not feel that loneliness every day though I have to get used to it - there is not a lot of options for me now.
   I thought about going back to my old country, but my old country does not have anybody any more of my close relatives, no one need me there and I don't have any means to live there on. So what's the point? I will be as lonely there as I am here in Canada, so I stay. At least in Canada people do not usually say to your face what they think about you, they are more reserved. In Canada people do not like to interfere. They will leave you alone and let you swim in your own misery for as long as you can, just don't ask for anything, it's not their business.
    So, why am I writing all this? May be somebody will read this and will think,' I am better than that, I don't feel as bad,' or 'that's exactly as I feel, I am not alone in my misery.'  And it's always easier when somebody understands you and feels like you.