I came to work and made a cup of coffee with cream. I usually don't dare to drink coffee but I think once in a while and a weak one and with cream that means even weaker - should be okay. I love coffee but I try to avoid it because of my blood pressure. I should not aggravate the thing that is high enough as is. I've never treated it with proper medication, just cannot trust doctors on that. I am sure blood pressure is the result of some abnormalities in my body not just a disease by itself. So what's the point of treating the end result if you don't know what's causing this? The problem is you cannot always be careful enough, you have your life to live, haven't you? I am so used to pushing myself when I need some rest instead, that I hardly notice that sometimes. I have to catch myself in the process of overworking and tell,"That's just enough, just go and have a rest." Sometimes it works , sometimes I realise that I overstretched myself when it is too late and I am sick with some cold or something. Right now I have symptoms of cold like for the third week already, way too long. And I cannot shake it no matter what. I tried sleep, rest, good food, vitamins, stayed in bed for a week, drank a lot of freshly squeezed juices - nothing works. Maybe one week was not enough, may be.
Well, I had some time to think and my thoughts were not happy ones. I feel like I am not going anywhere, like I am stuck in something that is pretty bore and there is not a progress in that.
And I do not feel comfortable in that weather, especially in Toronto. I feel all that pollution just hanging in the air, just pushing you down, just making you weaker and sicker. I don't like that. I want some fresh air, let it be cold, but I want it to be fresh, not polluted.
I don't want to breathe all that car exhausts on the overcrowded streets of Toronto, but the problem is that I do not have means to go and live somewhere else. Basically I don't know anything about other places in Canada, and from some little things that I heard, every place has its own problems and its own solutions.
The question is: are you ready to face different problems? Are you equipped with tools for different solutions? That's what I've guessed. So just sit tight and wait for the occasion or for some revelation.
On Sunday I was riding a bus to downtown at 6 a.m. - my second job I cannot live without. It was bitter cold, that feels bad especially when you do not have enough of sleep and I usually don't, when I have to get up at that time. There was a man sitting across from me on that bus. He was very cold, badly dressed in old sneakers that clearly knew better times and some worn and dirty slacks and "plastic" jacket, not even parka, yellowish dirty color, well, just plain dirty... No way you should be dressed in Canadian winter like that! He was shivering. His long unkempt half grey hair covered part of his face as if in attempt to gain some warmth , some cover from penetrating cold. What was his destination to in those early hours? Was it his miserable and hard job that made him look like that, when you are so tired that you do not want to take care of yourself, you just want to get by, or was it simply his drunkenness or homelessness that made him look like that - sick, cold, broken, like somebody lost, like somebody nobody needs anymore even himself ? After couple of stops he left the bus, disappeared into dark cold morning, into his cold miserable existence. I was thinking, "Why life is so unfair? Why can't we all be happy, well supplied with all necessities in life, comfortable and well off?" I see it clearly that some of us have too much and some have just nothing, not even a warm coat to cover the empty stomach, I just don't know why. And it bothers me because it should not be like that, society has everything, you just have to know where to go in order to get it. Or is it too hard to give something back? Like your skills, your time, your attention? Is it easier just do nothing and expect somebody to come and give you everything for free? No, nothing is for free and some things require a lot of work and stress, but is it worth it? Yes, I think so, because what you get back is your life, a good one, a happy one, but it cannot just come to you, you have to work on that first. To make an effort.
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