I find it annoying...

It’s so annoying; I cannot even say it. I do not have time to write anything. Today I was so tired; I was sitting just watching an old movie. I love old movies from 1950s and earlier. I adore Betty Davis. She is so full of inner charm and energy, that she attracts you and draws your attention.
It was that phrase that caught my attention. One man was singing something like “You had a feeling that you wanted to go and you had a feeling that you wanted to stay”… Something like that, very funny and at the same time to the point. We all sometimes have I am sure emotions like that. When we feel that we have to go, we want to go, but at the same time we want to stay. We just want the situation change and go away by some miracle, so we could stay, because we do not really want to go… Well, if you never experience something like that then you will probably won’t understand.
For so many years I’ve been living in a situation when I felt like I desperately want to go somewhere, but I did not at the same time wanted to leave my family and go away. You see, when you do something what you do not really want to do just because circumstances make you do that, and you are afraid to do otherwise, you little by little create a situation in which you are not comfortable, not satisfied, do not want to stay.
You start looking for solutions and find yourself trapped in that position that basically you yourself created, if you know what I mean. You become completely dissatisfied, trapped in it, you are trying to find a reasonable solution, but do not see that. You feel obligations, somebody is counting on you, your husband, children, relatives, you have a job you are afraid to loose etc. You continue to live and feel miserable, but do not see the red light that says: THE EXIT. You could live for many years like that and it’s the worst favour you could do to yourself.
If you are not changing the situation, then the situation will change you and not to your advantage.
You are going to loose your faith in yourself and in your ability to change things to the better. I do not think that I am unique in that, I think many people, women especially do that mistake. They allow the situation to control them and screw their lives big time. Because you cannot change the past and years that you left behind should be the happy ones, ones you’d like to remember and cherish.
Then your life is worth living.
Though I find it really annoying sometimes that you cannot change the past.