Norway, it could've happened anywhere.

It's so terrible. What happened in Norway. Senseless act of terrorism. Former children, not completely grown ups yet. Why do they have to die? Just because some crazy maniac wanted to prove his point, to show his "manifesto'?  Never ever killing proved anything. Just pain to their parents, just nedless death to so many young promising souls. It makes me so angry. Killing never proves anything. It never solve a problem if there is a problem.
They should have shot this person like a mad dog. He does not deserve a trial, he is not human, he is lunatic and monster who should be killed the same way he killed those innosent young people. He did not have right to do that.
 If you want to say something, then go ahead and say it, prove your point. There is Internet and other media at your service, you do not have to kill anybody. Now, after what he's done, he does not deserve to listened, he does nor have  right to speak, he proved only one point -  that he is one crazy immoral worm, not a human being. I despise him. I despise all terrorists. It happened in Norway but it could have happened in any country, and we can never predict where it might strike again. I wish I could do something. I hope we'll be able to protect ourselves better in future, I just do not know if it is possible but I do not want to lose hope, it's all I have. It's not supposed to happen, not in Norway, no way, I must be dreaming...

Toronto is a good city, where else can I go?

Should I call it town or city? I don't know the difference between those two, earnestly. What  do you expect from a reluctant immigrant? Though technically I am not an immigrant, not anymore. I just do not feel like I belong here, not in Toronto anyway though I cannot say anything bad about it.

I live here, I have a good modest apartment with everything included in it and not that terribly pricey as you might expect in a big city, could be worse. I work. I still have my 2 cats with me though they are not that happy living on a third floor with no escape to the streets that's what they'd love to do, bur cannot. Balcony they don't like, though I find it rather convenient for me. Sometimes I can even have my breakfast there, sitting and enjoying 5 minutes of fresh air and summer breeze before I go to work.

The area is a little bit noisy, it's the corner almost the corner of intersection of 2 large streets that are never quiet completely - day or light. Cars, big trucks, what not, 24 hours a day. Well, you cannot have everything. It's still modest pay in comparison to other areas. I want to move out of this nice town though, I want to live somewhere with less of everything, where I can hear birds and be able to talk to somebody on a street without rising my voice, just to walk on a street without all that deathening noise of a big city.

 I'd like to have some river, lake, some water near by, so I can enjoy nature a little bit more. The problem is always the same - work. Where can I find work in a smaller city? I do not have a demanded profession, skills that can easily land you a job anywhere. Nowadays even with skills people are struggling. I am not a nurse or a doctor, I cannot expect to drop one job and to find another right away.

 Money, money, why do we always need them? I feel like I work too much but not going anywhere, like nothing to look forward to. If I retire at 65, I am not going to get enough money to live comfortably on, I will still have to work and I hate that. And I am still far from 65, I still have to work and work, and work... I live frugally but I still do not have savings, I have to think about living in poverty if I retire and I hate that. Being old and poor, what could be worse?

Well, Toronto is a good city. It's clean, lots of nice parks, Ontario lake you can go to if you can endure 1-2 hours trip (without a car), because public transportation right now is not that great. Far from that. Most of the time I just prefer to stay at home, when I have a luxury of free time of course. I am not keen on restaurants or pubs, as it is always require money I do not have, or time I do not posses either. So other than work nothing keeps me in Toronto, well, it gives my two sons place to live I guess, but I am sure they will manage without me.

The question is where else can I possibly go? Any ideas?

Big city lights: loneliness in a big city.

I've never thought it could be like that. By a stupid chance I've got myself living in a small town dreaming, longing about big city lights and noise, and all that hustle and bustle. People are everywhere. There is not time or space to feel lonely or to be depressed.
 And how far it was  from the truth! Now I am here, in a big city. Yes, noise is here all right,everywhere, no escape from it; and people, people who are trying to avoid you, not to push you or touch you. But they do not see you, unless you are wearing something outrageous or behave obnoxiously, - they do not pay attention, they do not know you. You are just a part of urban landscape, a moving part. Now you are here and next time you are gone.
Sometimes it feels strange, sometimes it hurts. You want somebody to say "hi" to you, or just talk to you or may be even swear at you, anything but that blank wall in their eyes. Eyes that see and don't see, people that hear and don't listen. And then loneliness creeps inside you, like a cold wind on the frosty day. You start shivering on a hot summer day, not because you are cold, but because you feel as if your soul is shrinking inside you, and there is no way you can stop that unless you find somebody who is going to listen, who can understand, who can share your feelings, who is your friend or just another human being who cares.
Yesterday I had a chance to talk to an elderly lady. We've been talking about living in immigration, how it affects your life, your children. She said a remarkable thing, " What's a point of having nice things if you do not have anybody to share it with?"  She lives in big city, same as me. She is an immigrant here, same as me. And she tries hard not to feel lonely, isolated, unwanted and unneeded.
 I guess when you come to a different country, you leave something more than just memories and distant (close) relatives back there. You leave your whole big world back there and you cannot replace it here in your new country, and you cannot bring your world with you.  It may be good or bad but it's yours and you will miss it for the rest of your life, unless... but that's another story and it needs another hero, not me. I am just a face in the crowd, a tired face with blank eyes that stare at you but do not see you, that do not want me to touch you or deal with you in any way... sorry, do not have time, I am in a hurry, do not want to miss my bus, I am taking home my groceries and my loneliness too...

Why is it so cold in Canada?

I think if you are moving from a warmer climate you should think in terms of tolerance, how much you are willing to stand it, the cold, I mean. In Canada, in Ontario especially, we have 4 distinctive seasons and we have to consider all of them, and to be prepared, and to be prepared beforehand. I already put out a small air conditioner in my window and keep it ready for occasion, though right now it is still +7C outside and rather windy.
It's spring now. I love spring in Canada. It is so short and nice. Either winter steals some of its beauty with cold nights and late snows, or summer with its untimely hot days and unexpectedly humid nights shortens it. Well, at least we do not have -40C in winter like Alberta has, so we should not complain here in Ontario. Usually seasons in Ontario (not going to vouch for all provinces) end up abruptly and quickly. So if it is May, you better buy and keep handy light clothes, fans, some cooling systems for sure. And if it is August, please, buy warm boots and winter jacket, you'll need them sooner than you think, as usual. A sight of a man in sandals and shorts when it is -10C outside is not inspiring to say the least.
 I understand when you are from a country where there is no snow, no temperatures below zero, no frost, you might not realise that even if you have a car, you better have warm clothing too. Really warm.
In cold climate when it is close to -20C with wind, you need a good insulated warm coat and boots, and some warm hat too because most heat goes out from your body if you are not wearing anything on your head. You need a warm hat, scarf and  coat and gloves or mittens. Then you will notice an interesting thing: it is not that cold in Canada actually if you are properly dressed. According to the season.

The worst April Fool’s day joke I ever experienced.

That happened on  April the 1^st. April Fool's day. Something, I’ve never experienced before.  I do not mind jokes. Usually people tell you that your back is white, or that somebody just called you and you have to go and see so-and-so who is waiting outside.  But what happened this time is not a good joke. On the contrary. It was an ordinary day. I came to work as usual, unlocked the door, checked my answering machine and wrote down the today’s date in my ledger. I went to the conference room and made my usual cup of tea. Somebody, one of our clients came and asked for some paper work. It was just the regular day. My boss came with her husband who recently passed the exam and now as a Mortgage Agent is trying to learn the ropes of mortgage business. Usually people come to the bank first to get their mortgage and if bank turns them down then they come to our company hoping we can help. Sometimes we can. It may be some glitch in their credit report, some unpaid debt that can be quickly paid and the credit score can be improved. Sometimes we cannot help but can give an advice, and next time they will come to us because they like us and feel confident in our professional approach. Anyway, it was just a day as any others, people would come and go, telephone calls, clients, some sales people passing buy, leaving their cards at my table and telephone numbers.  I usually do not have a set lunch time; I take some break when I see it’s convenient for everybody. This time I did not get out for a short walk or to buy some snack. I left my place  and stepped out a couple of times but when it was time to go home, I found out that all my money that I had in my wallet are gone to the last penny.  Just somebody got inside it and emptied it. April Fool’s day! I have no idea who might have done it. But joke is all on me, only I am not laughing for some reason.

I do not like what's going on in Japan.

Well, I am not talking about tsunami or earthquake. It might happen to any country. It's what is called seismic activity. Some people get killed. On a global scale no big deal. On a personal level it's a different story. I cannot imagine it on  a personal level, don't even want to think. Too scary. You've lost your home is one thing, but being nuked into the bargain? Is it the price of living in a civilised society? Is it green energy?

 I know we used to call nuclear energy "clean" energy.

I think disaster in Japan shows how bad that joke is. We all can be there. We should stop building that crap. Any big disaster can turn our planet into a donut hole. And we are doing it. We need energy, more and more. We turn it on and never bother to turn off. We keep our houses with thermostats on +25C, and complain that we do not have money to pay for it. We keep TV on, computer on, lights on, air conditioner on all summer whether it is hot or not so hot, it's still on, why bother? They will build new power plants, invent new energy, we will waste new same way we are wasting the old one now. We drive cars whether it's 10 miles or 10 steps. We drive it to buy a pack of cigarettes around the corner. We drive our children to school that stands around the block. May be we should stop and pay attention. I do not like that thing that happened in Japan. You should not too.

Is that life real? Who needs all that poverty?

An old worn up bag lady stumbles on the invisible crack in the payment. Like an ancient gray bird hardly moving on her old ugly swollen legs, she mumbles something known and heard only by herself.

 She crawls into a dingy hole that is her room in a run down apartment as old and shabby as herself. Nothing but old and rusty things in her room. Nothing valuable, nothing nice, dust and cockroaches everywhere. Pile of  dim plastic dishes in the sink, old wooden box with a stained cloth on it for a table, two old mattresses on top of each other is her bed in the corner, no sheets, old torn blanket.

Was she always like that? Where are her children if any? Or some relatives to lend her a helping hand, to provide a better place to live and some healthy food? Why does she have to live like that? Alone in this dirty room. A small pension can be enough if you have a decent place to live. I cannot help but wondering, did she work when she was young? Has she lost everything that she had, got robbed, got sick? I don't know. Her face keeps its secrets, all it says,"I am sick and poor, I do not have anything."

Yes, but poverty does not have to be like that - ugly, dirty, hopeless. I look at her, wondering if my fate is going to be like that. If  I live to an old age, am I going to be that ugly, lonely and poor? Can I prevent it? Not the age but poverty bothers me, that hopeless poverty, "no way out" kind of poverty. Or is it just her choice? To be independent from anybody and everybody, to have minimum and do not care? Just to move along until the last leaf of her life falls down. Why? Do we need all that? Is there any sense in that life? I pity and I resent her.

 I cannot help thinking about my own age. What am I  going to do when I am going to be old and helpless and cannot work any more? It is already $5 for a loath of bread.   Am I going to starve? Are my children going to care? Can I do something now? Or is it too late? I do not want to be like that. I do not want to be like her. I do care.