Toronto is a good city, where else can I go?

Should I call it town or city? I don't know the difference between those two, earnestly. What  do you expect from a reluctant immigrant? Though technically I am not an immigrant, not anymore. I just do not feel like I belong here, not in Toronto anyway though I cannot say anything bad about it.

I live here, I have a good modest apartment with everything included in it and not that terribly pricey as you might expect in a big city, could be worse. I work. I still have my 2 cats with me though they are not that happy living on a third floor with no escape to the streets that's what they'd love to do, bur cannot. Balcony they don't like, though I find it rather convenient for me. Sometimes I can even have my breakfast there, sitting and enjoying 5 minutes of fresh air and summer breeze before I go to work.

The area is a little bit noisy, it's the corner almost the corner of intersection of 2 large streets that are never quiet completely - day or light. Cars, big trucks, what not, 24 hours a day. Well, you cannot have everything. It's still modest pay in comparison to other areas. I want to move out of this nice town though, I want to live somewhere with less of everything, where I can hear birds and be able to talk to somebody on a street without rising my voice, just to walk on a street without all that deathening noise of a big city.

 I'd like to have some river, lake, some water near by, so I can enjoy nature a little bit more. The problem is always the same - work. Where can I find work in a smaller city? I do not have a demanded profession, skills that can easily land you a job anywhere. Nowadays even with skills people are struggling. I am not a nurse or a doctor, I cannot expect to drop one job and to find another right away.

 Money, money, why do we always need them? I feel like I work too much but not going anywhere, like nothing to look forward to. If I retire at 65, I am not going to get enough money to live comfortably on, I will still have to work and I hate that. And I am still far from 65, I still have to work and work, and work... I live frugally but I still do not have savings, I have to think about living in poverty if I retire and I hate that. Being old and poor, what could be worse?

Well, Toronto is a good city. It's clean, lots of nice parks, Ontario lake you can go to if you can endure 1-2 hours trip (without a car), because public transportation right now is not that great. Far from that. Most of the time I just prefer to stay at home, when I have a luxury of free time of course. I am not keen on restaurants or pubs, as it is always require money I do not have, or time I do not posses either. So other than work nothing keeps me in Toronto, well, it gives my two sons place to live I guess, but I am sure they will manage without me.

The question is where else can I possibly go? Any ideas?

Being immigrant, being different

When you come from a different world you cannot help feeling differently. You are used to dress a certain way, to talk and behave differently and on top of everything your mother tongue is... yeah, you guessed right it is different.

You suddenly realize, that you came to the world that is not like your own. You feel as if somebody stripped you naked up to your soul and left you exposed in the crowd and you have nothing to cover your body and your soul with. You feel shame and humiliation and urge to shout: people, please, wait a minute, I am not that different from you, just help me a little, push me into right direction, I’ll learn I am not stupid, I have some merits, I just need some time, be patient with me.

I am convinced that everybody lives in an emotional and social bubble/box and breaking out of this box can be very painful. You are surrounded by people you know and who know you and you expect them to behave a certain way and you behave a certain way towards them too.

You can love them or hate but their behavior to the most extent predictable and that predictability gives comfort and you do not have to feel depressed and stressful.

If you an immigrant (alien) your surroundings lack that familiarity, it takes time.

You gradually learn language and habits, you find new friends who morally support you. You can vent and cry on their shoulder. They understand.

You learn how to make a living in a new country.

Sometimes it's hard when you do not have new skills, or your skills are not enough, you need some extra learning, or you need something completely different.

When I came to Canada I had a University degree but with 3 small kids and my diploma meant next to nothing in Canada. I found a job as a translator but lost it right away for some stupid reason just because I did not know some trifle things.

With time comes the experience and gradually you forget what was so bad in your country, you remember good days only, you feel nostalgia and regret.

Finally you come back as a tourist and everybody treats you as a guest and you do not see any place there for yourself, you indeed is a tourist.

You come back into your new country more relaxed and glad you returned. You see the differences and understand them. You want other people to see everything with your eyes and share your experience with others.

And you join something like http://www.hubpages.com/ and you write about your experience and wisdom, your ups and downs.

And you do not feel like you are in a box anymore because your box suddenly expanded and it includes now a lot of people who are ready to listen and willing to understand, criticize you or applaud to you and with you.

You do not feel like a stupid immigrant in a box, but as a normal human being with lots of ideas you cannot wait to convey to others.

And it feels great.