I still miss my old country, should I go back?

After so many years I still miss my old country. I hardly remember a lot of things that were so important there. So much have changed here and over there too. One part of me wants to come back. Another asks me, why? There is no one there who needs you. There is nothing there for you. Lets face it, you are too old and tired to start all over there.  May be because I do not feel that I belong here either. Canada is a good country but I still feel lost between two worlds. Was it a mistake to come here? Will it be another mistake to go back? Am I still needed here?

My children are all grown up, I am sure they can live without me. Who else is going to miss me? Does it mean that my life is over? Of course, not! I am just a long distance swimmer who at his finish line suddenly encounters storm and slippery rock and he does not have strength to overcome it. Surely he cannot turn back and swim all that distance all over again. He will drown if he turns back, he might drown if he comes to the shore...

We do forget bad things. But basically when you get older your priorities change and some things become more important, things you may have never thought about when you were young. Your personal level of comfort zone. Your home, money you do not have for necessities, your personal freedom when you are a slave to your job, your health. You have to think about all those things. But I've alredy made my decision. I cannot swim back, I have to make ashore no matter how hard it is. I am working on that, I am not giving up.

If you do nothing, nothing happens, making terms with Canada.

It took me twenty years, well, almost twenty to realize that. I am so glad that finally I did that. I stopped blaming myself, society I came from, my upbringing, society I am currently in, society I came from again, my age (if only I came earlier), my character ( too reserved, too shy, too bookish), my mother, father etc., etc.

 I used to think  about Canada as the extremely dull, unfriendly, cold (and I didn't mean just climate) country. I felt lonely, lost, underappreciated, out of place, out of touch with everything and everybody. All that was true and not really. I am still lonely, lost, underappreciated, but I know why.

 Finally I've got it, this country is indeed different in a way that you cannot judge it by European standards. This country had been built differently, for completely different purposes. People were coming to this unfriendly climate because they were hoping to build a better live, or just any life because what they left was not enough. They wanted to find something that was missing in their life. Was it a foolish idea? For some people may be.

 It's not easy to start everything from scratch in a different country, but for some it was a success. But it was not an easy one. They worked hard to accomplish that goal. And that is what I and everybody else should do here. I cannot expect anything for granted here, I have to figure it out what exactly I do want from my life and go for it. Potential is here, possibilities endless. But nobody is going to come, knock on my door and bring me what I want on a tray. I have to work on that myself. And may be help others to do the same, if I may. Because for everybody else who've lived here at one time in their life there was a beginning, that crucial time when they started  their new life here, made their choice one way or another. I have to build my life with my own hands the way I want it, and there is nothing else, it's the only truth. 

Surely in another country everything could have been different, but not here. Here you have your choice to do things or to do nothing. But doing nothing brings you what? Exactly. This society is so generous that they will allow you exist doing nothing, you might even have a free meal and a shelter, but what about your life? Do you want your life to be like that? I certainly don't. Where is my parachute? Finally I am ready to jump into my chosen life. What about you? Are you with me?

Things we eat, what food industry keeps quiet about.

I was thinking, what exactly prevents us from healthy eating? Is it our industry that is at fault? Or is it our reluctance to go ahead and just drop all that nice tasty things we love so much, those delicious juicy things that are tasty and absolutely harmful to our health? Is it our inertia that makes us overweight and unhealthy, or is it our habit that was developed in our childhood, the one that kills us now, slowly destroying our health. May be we don't know enough about health and nutrition yet. May be we still need some time. Well, we don't have that time.

Enough. Industrial revolution freed us from hard labour and meager  rough food. Now we can grind, bleach, process, turn into pulp, into powder just about anything. We can extract, add, remove, pasteurise, boil, freeze, keep frozen, sterilize,evaporate, add lots of chemicals unknown to the most part of population,mimick nature, mimick real food. We have to trust our food industry, haven't we? Well, I don't know and I don't think so.
Most of our contemporary diseases are from lack of right nutrition and physical inactivity. Plainly speaking we sit too much and eat too much of wrong food. And it does not really matter what exactly do you eat, if you food is wrong.

I do not believe our food industry and our doctors for that matter for one and only reason, - their vast material interest is in it, financially they are too deeply in it.  Loblaw Companies Ltd. says first-quarter profits rose nearly 23 per cent to $162 million, beating expectations, even though its sales were down. People eat, people eat more when recession strikes.

If a food company can squeeze one more cent from  you, I am sure they will. Sometimes all they have to do is just to remove some more expensive ingredients from your product and then add the cheapest ones. You'll never know the difference, until you get sick, even then  you are not going to know. You'll get bad symptoms, you'll go to the doctor, who will gladly prescribe you a bunch of unnecessary, even dangerous drugs, worthless vitamins, that your body will store in you tissue and organs desperately trying to get rid of those, getting even more "sick" symptoms. Your doctor has a vast financial interest in your being sick. Always remember that.

You  have to educate yourself. You have to think, to experiment, to try. Forget about restaurant, they are in business of making money, fast-food traps, all that processed crap they are relentlessly advertising about on TV. They need money, your poor schmuck's money. You need health. And no one is going to give it to you but yourself. Go to the store and look at the products beyond beautiful colourful packages. You do not eat pictures, you eat product, and that product has to be healthy and minimally processed. Why do you have to buy 'chicken fingers'? Chicken do not have any fingers. Buy meat if you want meat, fresh and unprocessed. Grill it, or boil it, or roast it, it's up to you. Make some fresh salad. Plain white vinegar, drop of good olive oil and squeeze of sweet orange will make you the best dressing for your salads.

If you want cereal, don't look for a fancy box. Buy grains and cook those as much as you like. You never know what might hide in these fancy packages, but you are not a child and you are not eating that box! Oatmeal is cheap and takes no time to cook and is good for you. Eat it! And there are lots of useful  grains that you can eat, that will give you energy and health. And you know what? You can hardly overeat on a wholesome food, because you'll satisfy your body well enough with a small amount of good food.

 Another thought. Just imagine that we suddenly refused to buy all that crappy loaded with sugar yogurts,cereals, juices, ice-creams and cookies. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine what exactly our food industry is going to do? Yes, they are going to adapt to OUR NEEDS. They must. They must produce good, clean,wholesome unprocessed product for our consumption. Why? Because we need it. And they do not have a choice, they need that money of yours.

Things I am scared about.

Death? When you live long enough you stop worrying about it. You know it's unavoidable. You know it will happen one day whether you like it or not. There is no point of worying about it. You just live your life and trying to enjoy it as much as you can. There is no point in being unhappy.

What scares you the most is: what if something happens to your children? You cannot stop worrying about them . It's simply impossible. It's like a building block with a hole in it in your nervous system. You do not want anything bad happen to them, you just cannot prevent it, that feeling of hope and despair that mingles inside you and give you some sleepless nights... Well, it's the price of being a mother, I guess. That worry will be always with you as long as you live.

 Next to that I can put my scare of old age. If you live long enough you become ... old. I do not want to be that old. When you cannot walk or do things, when diseases of old age cripple you and turn you into a scarecrow to frighten young children... I do not want to be that old, but may be I won't, may be I will perish before that, before I will become a   horrible burden to myself and to others. I do not want a nursing home, empty foreign faces who help you without real compassion, just for salary, just for being paid. I would hate that.
I do not want to be old and unable to provide for myself, to be really poor, living in a shabby room with no nice things in it, without friendly faces around, unable to clean even that shabby room, I am so scared of that. And of loneliness, loneliness of an old ugly woman nobody needs, not even a cat... when all friends are far away or dead, and children've forgotten you, they are having their own lives and problems, and you are just an old witch and no one needs you. How terrible can it be?
 My mom was not very old when she died but she was so lonely. I moved with my family to another country, my brother was dead , even my dad, though they were divorced died really soon, after some terrible disease ate him away. She was so lonely in the country with all that rough changes,  a much younger person might have problems to deal with. I never realised I could lose her so suddenly. May be if I stayed with her and never moved, I wouldn't have lost her that suddenly. It was quite a shock for me. We think our parents will live a long life, we forget that they are mortals like everybody else. Now I am scared  that might happen to me and  my children. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to be abandoned. I do not want to be a burden. I am so scared of that... It's the biggest scare of all.

Norway, it could've happened anywhere.

It's so terrible. What happened in Norway. Senseless act of terrorism. Former children, not completely grown ups yet. Why do they have to die? Just because some crazy maniac wanted to prove his point, to show his "manifesto'?  Never ever killing proved anything. Just pain to their parents, just nedless death to so many young promising souls. It makes me so angry. Killing never proves anything. It never solve a problem if there is a problem.
They should have shot this person like a mad dog. He does not deserve a trial, he is not human, he is lunatic and monster who should be killed the same way he killed those innosent young people. He did not have right to do that.
 If you want to say something, then go ahead and say it, prove your point. There is Internet and other media at your service, you do not have to kill anybody. Now, after what he's done, he does not deserve to listened, he does nor have  right to speak, he proved only one point -  that he is one crazy immoral worm, not a human being. I despise him. I despise all terrorists. It happened in Norway but it could have happened in any country, and we can never predict where it might strike again. I wish I could do something. I hope we'll be able to protect ourselves better in future, I just do not know if it is possible but I do not want to lose hope, it's all I have. It's not supposed to happen, not in Norway, no way, I must be dreaming...

Toronto is a good city, where else can I go?

Should I call it town or city? I don't know the difference between those two, earnestly. What  do you expect from a reluctant immigrant? Though technically I am not an immigrant, not anymore. I just do not feel like I belong here, not in Toronto anyway though I cannot say anything bad about it.

I live here, I have a good modest apartment with everything included in it and not that terribly pricey as you might expect in a big city, could be worse. I work. I still have my 2 cats with me though they are not that happy living on a third floor with no escape to the streets that's what they'd love to do, bur cannot. Balcony they don't like, though I find it rather convenient for me. Sometimes I can even have my breakfast there, sitting and enjoying 5 minutes of fresh air and summer breeze before I go to work.

The area is a little bit noisy, it's the corner almost the corner of intersection of 2 large streets that are never quiet completely - day or light. Cars, big trucks, what not, 24 hours a day. Well, you cannot have everything. It's still modest pay in comparison to other areas. I want to move out of this nice town though, I want to live somewhere with less of everything, where I can hear birds and be able to talk to somebody on a street without rising my voice, just to walk on a street without all that deathening noise of a big city.

 I'd like to have some river, lake, some water near by, so I can enjoy nature a little bit more. The problem is always the same - work. Where can I find work in a smaller city? I do not have a demanded profession, skills that can easily land you a job anywhere. Nowadays even with skills people are struggling. I am not a nurse or a doctor, I cannot expect to drop one job and to find another right away.

 Money, money, why do we always need them? I feel like I work too much but not going anywhere, like nothing to look forward to. If I retire at 65, I am not going to get enough money to live comfortably on, I will still have to work and I hate that. And I am still far from 65, I still have to work and work, and work... I live frugally but I still do not have savings, I have to think about living in poverty if I retire and I hate that. Being old and poor, what could be worse?

Well, Toronto is a good city. It's clean, lots of nice parks, Ontario lake you can go to if you can endure 1-2 hours trip (without a car), because public transportation right now is not that great. Far from that. Most of the time I just prefer to stay at home, when I have a luxury of free time of course. I am not keen on restaurants or pubs, as it is always require money I do not have, or time I do not posses either. So other than work nothing keeps me in Toronto, well, it gives my two sons place to live I guess, but I am sure they will manage without me.

The question is where else can I possibly go? Any ideas?

Big city lights: loneliness in a big city.

I've never thought it could be like that. By a stupid chance I've got myself living in a small town dreaming, longing about big city lights and noise, and all that hustle and bustle. People are everywhere. There is not time or space to feel lonely or to be depressed.
 And how far it was  from the truth! Now I am here, in a big city. Yes, noise is here all right,everywhere, no escape from it; and people, people who are trying to avoid you, not to push you or touch you. But they do not see you, unless you are wearing something outrageous or behave obnoxiously, - they do not pay attention, they do not know you. You are just a part of urban landscape, a moving part. Now you are here and next time you are gone.
Sometimes it feels strange, sometimes it hurts. You want somebody to say "hi" to you, or just talk to you or may be even swear at you, anything but that blank wall in their eyes. Eyes that see and don't see, people that hear and don't listen. And then loneliness creeps inside you, like a cold wind on the frosty day. You start shivering on a hot summer day, not because you are cold, but because you feel as if your soul is shrinking inside you, and there is no way you can stop that unless you find somebody who is going to listen, who can understand, who can share your feelings, who is your friend or just another human being who cares.
Yesterday I had a chance to talk to an elderly lady. We've been talking about living in immigration, how it affects your life, your children. She said a remarkable thing, " What's a point of having nice things if you do not have anybody to share it with?"  She lives in big city, same as me. She is an immigrant here, same as me. And she tries hard not to feel lonely, isolated, unwanted and unneeded.
 I guess when you come to a different country, you leave something more than just memories and distant (close) relatives back there. You leave your whole big world back there and you cannot replace it here in your new country, and you cannot bring your world with you.  It may be good or bad but it's yours and you will miss it for the rest of your life, unless... but that's another story and it needs another hero, not me. I am just a face in the crowd, a tired face with blank eyes that stare at you but do not see you, that do not want me to touch you or deal with you in any way... sorry, do not have time, I am in a hurry, do not want to miss my bus, I am taking home my groceries and my loneliness too...