I still miss my old country, should I go back?

After so many years I still miss my old country. I hardly remember a lot of things that were so important there. So much have changed here and over there too. One part of me wants to come back. Another asks me, why? There is no one there who needs you. There is nothing there for you. Lets face it, you are too old and tired to start all over there.  May be because I do not feel that I belong here either. Canada is a good country but I still feel lost between two worlds. Was it a mistake to come here? Will it be another mistake to go back? Am I still needed here?

My children are all grown up, I am sure they can live without me. Who else is going to miss me? Does it mean that my life is over? Of course, not! I am just a long distance swimmer who at his finish line suddenly encounters storm and slippery rock and he does not have strength to overcome it. Surely he cannot turn back and swim all that distance all over again. He will drown if he turns back, he might drown if he comes to the shore...

We do forget bad things. But basically when you get older your priorities change and some things become more important, things you may have never thought about when you were young. Your personal level of comfort zone. Your home, money you do not have for necessities, your personal freedom when you are a slave to your job, your health. You have to think about all those things. But I've alredy made my decision. I cannot swim back, I have to make ashore no matter how hard it is. I am working on that, I am not giving up.

If you do nothing, nothing happens, making terms with Canada.

It took me twenty years, well, almost twenty to realize that. I am so glad that finally I did that. I stopped blaming myself, society I came from, my upbringing, society I am currently in, society I came from again, my age (if only I came earlier), my character ( too reserved, too shy, too bookish), my mother, father etc., etc.

 I used to think  about Canada as the extremely dull, unfriendly, cold (and I didn't mean just climate) country. I felt lonely, lost, underappreciated, out of place, out of touch with everything and everybody. All that was true and not really. I am still lonely, lost, underappreciated, but I know why.

 Finally I've got it, this country is indeed different in a way that you cannot judge it by European standards. This country had been built differently, for completely different purposes. People were coming to this unfriendly climate because they were hoping to build a better live, or just any life because what they left was not enough. They wanted to find something that was missing in their life. Was it a foolish idea? For some people may be.

 It's not easy to start everything from scratch in a different country, but for some it was a success. But it was not an easy one. They worked hard to accomplish that goal. And that is what I and everybody else should do here. I cannot expect anything for granted here, I have to figure it out what exactly I do want from my life and go for it. Potential is here, possibilities endless. But nobody is going to come, knock on my door and bring me what I want on a tray. I have to work on that myself. And may be help others to do the same, if I may. Because for everybody else who've lived here at one time in their life there was a beginning, that crucial time when they started  their new life here, made their choice one way or another. I have to build my life with my own hands the way I want it, and there is nothing else, it's the only truth. 

Surely in another country everything could have been different, but not here. Here you have your choice to do things or to do nothing. But doing nothing brings you what? Exactly. This society is so generous that they will allow you exist doing nothing, you might even have a free meal and a shelter, but what about your life? Do you want your life to be like that? I certainly don't. Where is my parachute? Finally I am ready to jump into my chosen life. What about you? Are you with me?

Things we eat, what food industry keeps quiet about.

I was thinking, what exactly prevents us from healthy eating? Is it our industry that is at fault? Or is it our reluctance to go ahead and just drop all that nice tasty things we love so much, those delicious juicy things that are tasty and absolutely harmful to our health? Is it our inertia that makes us overweight and unhealthy, or is it our habit that was developed in our childhood, the one that kills us now, slowly destroying our health. May be we don't know enough about health and nutrition yet. May be we still need some time. Well, we don't have that time.

Enough. Industrial revolution freed us from hard labour and meager  rough food. Now we can grind, bleach, process, turn into pulp, into powder just about anything. We can extract, add, remove, pasteurise, boil, freeze, keep frozen, sterilize,evaporate, add lots of chemicals unknown to the most part of population,mimick nature, mimick real food. We have to trust our food industry, haven't we? Well, I don't know and I don't think so.
Most of our contemporary diseases are from lack of right nutrition and physical inactivity. Plainly speaking we sit too much and eat too much of wrong food. And it does not really matter what exactly do you eat, if you food is wrong.

I do not believe our food industry and our doctors for that matter for one and only reason, - their vast material interest is in it, financially they are too deeply in it.  Loblaw Companies Ltd. says first-quarter profits rose nearly 23 per cent to $162 million, beating expectations, even though its sales were down. People eat, people eat more when recession strikes.

If a food company can squeeze one more cent from  you, I am sure they will. Sometimes all they have to do is just to remove some more expensive ingredients from your product and then add the cheapest ones. You'll never know the difference, until you get sick, even then  you are not going to know. You'll get bad symptoms, you'll go to the doctor, who will gladly prescribe you a bunch of unnecessary, even dangerous drugs, worthless vitamins, that your body will store in you tissue and organs desperately trying to get rid of those, getting even more "sick" symptoms. Your doctor has a vast financial interest in your being sick. Always remember that.

You  have to educate yourself. You have to think, to experiment, to try. Forget about restaurant, they are in business of making money, fast-food traps, all that processed crap they are relentlessly advertising about on TV. They need money, your poor schmuck's money. You need health. And no one is going to give it to you but yourself. Go to the store and look at the products beyond beautiful colourful packages. You do not eat pictures, you eat product, and that product has to be healthy and minimally processed. Why do you have to buy 'chicken fingers'? Chicken do not have any fingers. Buy meat if you want meat, fresh and unprocessed. Grill it, or boil it, or roast it, it's up to you. Make some fresh salad. Plain white vinegar, drop of good olive oil and squeeze of sweet orange will make you the best dressing for your salads.

If you want cereal, don't look for a fancy box. Buy grains and cook those as much as you like. You never know what might hide in these fancy packages, but you are not a child and you are not eating that box! Oatmeal is cheap and takes no time to cook and is good for you. Eat it! And there are lots of useful  grains that you can eat, that will give you energy and health. And you know what? You can hardly overeat on a wholesome food, because you'll satisfy your body well enough with a small amount of good food.

 Another thought. Just imagine that we suddenly refused to buy all that crappy loaded with sugar yogurts,cereals, juices, ice-creams and cookies. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine what exactly our food industry is going to do? Yes, they are going to adapt to OUR NEEDS. They must. They must produce good, clean,wholesome unprocessed product for our consumption. Why? Because we need it. And they do not have a choice, they need that money of yours.

Things I am scared about.

Death? When you live long enough you stop worrying about it. You know it's unavoidable. You know it will happen one day whether you like it or not. There is no point of worying about it. You just live your life and trying to enjoy it as much as you can. There is no point in being unhappy.

What scares you the most is: what if something happens to your children? You cannot stop worrying about them . It's simply impossible. It's like a building block with a hole in it in your nervous system. You do not want anything bad happen to them, you just cannot prevent it, that feeling of hope and despair that mingles inside you and give you some sleepless nights... Well, it's the price of being a mother, I guess. That worry will be always with you as long as you live.

 Next to that I can put my scare of old age. If you live long enough you become ... old. I do not want to be that old. When you cannot walk or do things, when diseases of old age cripple you and turn you into a scarecrow to frighten young children... I do not want to be that old, but may be I won't, may be I will perish before that, before I will become a   horrible burden to myself and to others. I do not want a nursing home, empty foreign faces who help you without real compassion, just for salary, just for being paid. I would hate that.
I do not want to be old and unable to provide for myself, to be really poor, living in a shabby room with no nice things in it, without friendly faces around, unable to clean even that shabby room, I am so scared of that. And of loneliness, loneliness of an old ugly woman nobody needs, not even a cat... when all friends are far away or dead, and children've forgotten you, they are having their own lives and problems, and you are just an old witch and no one needs you. How terrible can it be?
 My mom was not very old when she died but she was so lonely. I moved with my family to another country, my brother was dead , even my dad, though they were divorced died really soon, after some terrible disease ate him away. She was so lonely in the country with all that rough changes,  a much younger person might have problems to deal with. I never realised I could lose her so suddenly. May be if I stayed with her and never moved, I wouldn't have lost her that suddenly. It was quite a shock for me. We think our parents will live a long life, we forget that they are mortals like everybody else. Now I am scared  that might happen to me and  my children. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to be abandoned. I do not want to be a burden. I am so scared of that... It's the biggest scare of all.

Norway, it could've happened anywhere.

It's so terrible. What happened in Norway. Senseless act of terrorism. Former children, not completely grown ups yet. Why do they have to die? Just because some crazy maniac wanted to prove his point, to show his "manifesto'?  Never ever killing proved anything. Just pain to their parents, just nedless death to so many young promising souls. It makes me so angry. Killing never proves anything. It never solve a problem if there is a problem.
They should have shot this person like a mad dog. He does not deserve a trial, he is not human, he is lunatic and monster who should be killed the same way he killed those innosent young people. He did not have right to do that.
 If you want to say something, then go ahead and say it, prove your point. There is Internet and other media at your service, you do not have to kill anybody. Now, after what he's done, he does not deserve to listened, he does nor have  right to speak, he proved only one point -  that he is one crazy immoral worm, not a human being. I despise him. I despise all terrorists. It happened in Norway but it could have happened in any country, and we can never predict where it might strike again. I wish I could do something. I hope we'll be able to protect ourselves better in future, I just do not know if it is possible but I do not want to lose hope, it's all I have. It's not supposed to happen, not in Norway, no way, I must be dreaming...

Toronto is a good city, where else can I go?

Should I call it town or city? I don't know the difference between those two, earnestly. What  do you expect from a reluctant immigrant? Though technically I am not an immigrant, not anymore. I just do not feel like I belong here, not in Toronto anyway though I cannot say anything bad about it.

I live here, I have a good modest apartment with everything included in it and not that terribly pricey as you might expect in a big city, could be worse. I work. I still have my 2 cats with me though they are not that happy living on a third floor with no escape to the streets that's what they'd love to do, bur cannot. Balcony they don't like, though I find it rather convenient for me. Sometimes I can even have my breakfast there, sitting and enjoying 5 minutes of fresh air and summer breeze before I go to work.

The area is a little bit noisy, it's the corner almost the corner of intersection of 2 large streets that are never quiet completely - day or light. Cars, big trucks, what not, 24 hours a day. Well, you cannot have everything. It's still modest pay in comparison to other areas. I want to move out of this nice town though, I want to live somewhere with less of everything, where I can hear birds and be able to talk to somebody on a street without rising my voice, just to walk on a street without all that deathening noise of a big city.

 I'd like to have some river, lake, some water near by, so I can enjoy nature a little bit more. The problem is always the same - work. Where can I find work in a smaller city? I do not have a demanded profession, skills that can easily land you a job anywhere. Nowadays even with skills people are struggling. I am not a nurse or a doctor, I cannot expect to drop one job and to find another right away.

 Money, money, why do we always need them? I feel like I work too much but not going anywhere, like nothing to look forward to. If I retire at 65, I am not going to get enough money to live comfortably on, I will still have to work and I hate that. And I am still far from 65, I still have to work and work, and work... I live frugally but I still do not have savings, I have to think about living in poverty if I retire and I hate that. Being old and poor, what could be worse?

Well, Toronto is a good city. It's clean, lots of nice parks, Ontario lake you can go to if you can endure 1-2 hours trip (without a car), because public transportation right now is not that great. Far from that. Most of the time I just prefer to stay at home, when I have a luxury of free time of course. I am not keen on restaurants or pubs, as it is always require money I do not have, or time I do not posses either. So other than work nothing keeps me in Toronto, well, it gives my two sons place to live I guess, but I am sure they will manage without me.

The question is where else can I possibly go? Any ideas?

Big city lights: loneliness in a big city.

I've never thought it could be like that. By a stupid chance I've got myself living in a small town dreaming, longing about big city lights and noise, and all that hustle and bustle. People are everywhere. There is not time or space to feel lonely or to be depressed.
 And how far it was  from the truth! Now I am here, in a big city. Yes, noise is here all right,everywhere, no escape from it; and people, people who are trying to avoid you, not to push you or touch you. But they do not see you, unless you are wearing something outrageous or behave obnoxiously, - they do not pay attention, they do not know you. You are just a part of urban landscape, a moving part. Now you are here and next time you are gone.
Sometimes it feels strange, sometimes it hurts. You want somebody to say "hi" to you, or just talk to you or may be even swear at you, anything but that blank wall in their eyes. Eyes that see and don't see, people that hear and don't listen. And then loneliness creeps inside you, like a cold wind on the frosty day. You start shivering on a hot summer day, not because you are cold, but because you feel as if your soul is shrinking inside you, and there is no way you can stop that unless you find somebody who is going to listen, who can understand, who can share your feelings, who is your friend or just another human being who cares.
Yesterday I had a chance to talk to an elderly lady. We've been talking about living in immigration, how it affects your life, your children. She said a remarkable thing, " What's a point of having nice things if you do not have anybody to share it with?"  She lives in big city, same as me. She is an immigrant here, same as me. And she tries hard not to feel lonely, isolated, unwanted and unneeded.
 I guess when you come to a different country, you leave something more than just memories and distant (close) relatives back there. You leave your whole big world back there and you cannot replace it here in your new country, and you cannot bring your world with you.  It may be good or bad but it's yours and you will miss it for the rest of your life, unless... but that's another story and it needs another hero, not me. I am just a face in the crowd, a tired face with blank eyes that stare at you but do not see you, that do not want me to touch you or deal with you in any way... sorry, do not have time, I am in a hurry, do not want to miss my bus, I am taking home my groceries and my loneliness too...

Why is it so cold in Canada?

I think if you are moving from a warmer climate you should think in terms of tolerance, how much you are willing to stand it, the cold, I mean. In Canada, in Ontario especially, we have 4 distinctive seasons and we have to consider all of them, and to be prepared, and to be prepared beforehand. I already put out a small air conditioner in my window and keep it ready for occasion, though right now it is still +7C outside and rather windy.
It's spring now. I love spring in Canada. It is so short and nice. Either winter steals some of its beauty with cold nights and late snows, or summer with its untimely hot days and unexpectedly humid nights shortens it. Well, at least we do not have -40C in winter like Alberta has, so we should not complain here in Ontario. Usually seasons in Ontario (not going to vouch for all provinces) end up abruptly and quickly. So if it is May, you better buy and keep handy light clothes, fans, some cooling systems for sure. And if it is August, please, buy warm boots and winter jacket, you'll need them sooner than you think, as usual. A sight of a man in sandals and shorts when it is -10C outside is not inspiring to say the least.
 I understand when you are from a country where there is no snow, no temperatures below zero, no frost, you might not realise that even if you have a car, you better have warm clothing too. Really warm.
In cold climate when it is close to -20C with wind, you need a good insulated warm coat and boots, and some warm hat too because most heat goes out from your body if you are not wearing anything on your head. You need a warm hat, scarf and  coat and gloves or mittens. Then you will notice an interesting thing: it is not that cold in Canada actually if you are properly dressed. According to the season.

The worst April Fool’s day joke I ever experienced.

That happened on  April the 1^st. April Fool's day. Something, I’ve never experienced before.  I do not mind jokes. Usually people tell you that your back is white, or that somebody just called you and you have to go and see so-and-so who is waiting outside.  But what happened this time is not a good joke. On the contrary. It was an ordinary day. I came to work as usual, unlocked the door, checked my answering machine and wrote down the today’s date in my ledger. I went to the conference room and made my usual cup of tea. Somebody, one of our clients came and asked for some paper work. It was just the regular day. My boss came with her husband who recently passed the exam and now as a Mortgage Agent is trying to learn the ropes of mortgage business. Usually people come to the bank first to get their mortgage and if bank turns them down then they come to our company hoping we can help. Sometimes we can. It may be some glitch in their credit report, some unpaid debt that can be quickly paid and the credit score can be improved. Sometimes we cannot help but can give an advice, and next time they will come to us because they like us and feel confident in our professional approach. Anyway, it was just a day as any others, people would come and go, telephone calls, clients, some sales people passing buy, leaving their cards at my table and telephone numbers.  I usually do not have a set lunch time; I take some break when I see it’s convenient for everybody. This time I did not get out for a short walk or to buy some snack. I left my place  and stepped out a couple of times but when it was time to go home, I found out that all my money that I had in my wallet are gone to the last penny.  Just somebody got inside it and emptied it. April Fool’s day! I have no idea who might have done it. But joke is all on me, only I am not laughing for some reason.

I do not like what's going on in Japan.

Well, I am not talking about tsunami or earthquake. It might happen to any country. It's what is called seismic activity. Some people get killed. On a global scale no big deal. On a personal level it's a different story. I cannot imagine it on  a personal level, don't even want to think. Too scary. You've lost your home is one thing, but being nuked into the bargain? Is it the price of living in a civilised society? Is it green energy?

 I know we used to call nuclear energy "clean" energy.

I think disaster in Japan shows how bad that joke is. We all can be there. We should stop building that crap. Any big disaster can turn our planet into a donut hole. And we are doing it. We need energy, more and more. We turn it on and never bother to turn off. We keep our houses with thermostats on +25C, and complain that we do not have money to pay for it. We keep TV on, computer on, lights on, air conditioner on all summer whether it is hot or not so hot, it's still on, why bother? They will build new power plants, invent new energy, we will waste new same way we are wasting the old one now. We drive cars whether it's 10 miles or 10 steps. We drive it to buy a pack of cigarettes around the corner. We drive our children to school that stands around the block. May be we should stop and pay attention. I do not like that thing that happened in Japan. You should not too.

Is that life real? Who needs all that poverty?

An old worn up bag lady stumbles on the invisible crack in the payment. Like an ancient gray bird hardly moving on her old ugly swollen legs, she mumbles something known and heard only by herself.

 She crawls into a dingy hole that is her room in a run down apartment as old and shabby as herself. Nothing but old and rusty things in her room. Nothing valuable, nothing nice, dust and cockroaches everywhere. Pile of  dim plastic dishes in the sink, old wooden box with a stained cloth on it for a table, two old mattresses on top of each other is her bed in the corner, no sheets, old torn blanket.

Was she always like that? Where are her children if any? Or some relatives to lend her a helping hand, to provide a better place to live and some healthy food? Why does she have to live like that? Alone in this dirty room. A small pension can be enough if you have a decent place to live. I cannot help but wondering, did she work when she was young? Has she lost everything that she had, got robbed, got sick? I don't know. Her face keeps its secrets, all it says,"I am sick and poor, I do not have anything."

Yes, but poverty does not have to be like that - ugly, dirty, hopeless. I look at her, wondering if my fate is going to be like that. If  I live to an old age, am I going to be that ugly, lonely and poor? Can I prevent it? Not the age but poverty bothers me, that hopeless poverty, "no way out" kind of poverty. Or is it just her choice? To be independent from anybody and everybody, to have minimum and do not care? Just to move along until the last leaf of her life falls down. Why? Do we need all that? Is there any sense in that life? I pity and I resent her.

 I cannot help thinking about my own age. What am I  going to do when I am going to be old and helpless and cannot work any more? It is already $5 for a loath of bread.   Am I going to starve? Are my children going to care? Can I do something now? Or is it too late? I do not want to be like that. I do not want to be like her. I do care.

I think those food producers are too comfortable...

I think those food producers are way too comfortable. They still mass produce all that crap that makes us sick, and we keep paying for it, keep eating it.

 It maddens me big time. People, please, read the labels!

 Stop drinking sodas. it's nothing but liquid sugar + and it's bad for you. Very bad, very-very bad.

It's not just obesity, it's a lot of other things. Do not make doctors happy and rich, you health is your life. What can you possibly accomplish without it? Do you need to get sick to use your brain? Are you still drinking "diet" coke? Or put "sweet-N-low" in your coffee? You are still buying milk, aren't you? That processed white liquid that was collected from 50 (100?) cows, heated, killing everything "alive" in it, sealed into plastic bags and delivered to you, after you paid money to have the right to drink it, and to have hard time to digest it, because there is nothing natural left in it. Y-u-ck! 

You  are buying that so called commercial juice made from concentrate that had been frozen last year, kept in containers, diluted with water with added corn syrup, pasteurized and... you can guess the rest. Your body has to deal with it, don't be surprised if you are not feeling that great, -  be surprised if you are feeling great, it may be just your luck, until it runs out on you...

 Bread, the smell of it brings so much memories. It is a part of any culture. What's happened to it? Why do I have to buy it wrapped in plastic, sliced, soft like a sponge, forever "fresh"? You eat it you, you do not feel right, you feel bloated and ... hungry. Somebody blames wheat, another - gluten, sugar, bleaching of flour, bromate, fats added to it. Who knows what's the real problem is?

Well, you cannot make yourself everything you eat, you have to rely on the others, and others are trying to make some money by selling you produce that traditionally was part of everybody's diet. But certain things changed and mass production turned some products into something that is not food for life anymore. If you eat it, it will make you sick, not now, may be not even tomorrow but it will. Your body needs natural unprocessed, mostly uncooked free of pollution food. And if you can accomplish that you'll be surprised how little of it you really need to feel healthy and happy and full of life. Wake up and smell your coffee, just do not put sugar in it, please, I am begging you.

"I started out with nothing and still have most of that left"

I like that quotation. It's about me. It looks like I'll come to the retirement years without a lot. Well, actually with nothing. It scares me a bit. Not that much though. Eventually I have to leave the Earth and it does not matter if I have millions or nothing. You cannot take it with you on your last journey, I wish I could have something. Well, I wish I had something that I could leave to my children, in that case they do not have to be like me - poor. I do not like poverty. The hopelessness and helplessness of it. And everyday worry about money and things. I like nice things - furniture, jewelry, books with nice covers and golden letters on front cover. I would love to have a good library of my own with all best classics that I love but I know it's impossible unless I win a lottery. But for that you have at least to play it and I don't. I do not want to spend money I don't have on things that's impossible to attain. Or should I? Should I dream about impossible and try and against all odds go ahead and do crazy things? No, it is not me. I basically do not need a lot for myself, I just see that my kids are not trying to accomplish something, they are not that driven. And that scares me because I am not getting any younger. I've missed something important in my life. It was long ago and I do not remember what it was. I just know  that I would've done that when it was the right time, not now. Now it is too late, not for them (my kids) but for me. Now I have to live the way I can, not the way I want and that bugs me. May be I am wrong though. May be I still can try and live my life the way I want to. May be if I do, I am not going to feel sick and worried, and depressed. May be I'll be able to soar above mundane troubles and misgivings of my soul, and just feel alive - not like a dead tree in winter. I do not want to be that dead wood, seriously, I don't. I just don't know how to do that.
Recently I found out that my credit report is not as good as I expected and I owe somebody money, some rental place from like 5 years ago. We just could not sit there till the end of our lease and moved out early, month or two not much, but they put it to small claims court. Now I cannot expect any favours from any bank, I have to save my own money, I guess, because I cannot pay that debt and really don't want to kill myself over it. It's not worth it. I was wondering, is it possible to live in Canada and not to owe  somebody something? I thought I can, but looks like I cannot. I need a lot of stuff, I am postponing everything, all buying but for how long? Everything I earn goes for rent and food, and I do not want credit card debts, that's a murder for sure. Sometimes I think,"If I stayed in my old country, where would I be now?" Life consists of series of occasions, accidents, last minute decisions we knew nothing about an hour ago, so it's hard to predict, what's going to happen. Well, I still feel like I am on a platform waiting for my train to come, so I can go home. Where is that train?

Things we do not need, but we want them for sure.

To survive we do not need a lot of things. Water, bread, air to breathe, shelter from cold and rain. A hot stove to cook a dinner and to warm your hands after long and wearisome day. Some clothes on our back. But in reality we need more, we want more. We want something that is ours. Our car, our home.

We want things, special things, that are beautiful and unique, or just luxurious and fashionable. We want a car to move around and not to depend on public transportation, we want a house or an apartment that belongs to us, not just a rental place.

We (especially women) want nice clothes and more than enough of them, so we could change our image and look differently all the time. But sometimes that choices take too much time and money from us and we cannot resist temptation to get more than we need and pay more than we can afford to obtain that. And we end up with lots of debts and frustrations, and with plenty of unnecessary things we cannot get rid of. Or some people become sick with hoarding.

 I never even heard about such affliction in my old country where we had the only choice usually - one type of a product, one brand and probably limited so you can just buy one piece, or one kilo or one thing of it (like one loath of bread) even if you need more. It's just 2 choices - to have it or to have not, to buy it or to buy not. So you could make an instant decision without complex procedure of making up your mind what color, size or brand  to buy. Just grab it until somebody else does and be happy, and take good care of that thing or it might get ruined by something and then you have to live without it until another occasion. Is it a good thing or not when you have multiple choices?

 I guess some things are really can be more simple. We do not need 50 brands of toothpaste or 30 brands of bread or soap at the store. Or may be 100 brands of cookies or cereals in colorful boxes. They are not good nutritional product anyway. And they are basically the same, just boxes and prices are different. So far if I met a really healthy cookie, the price was usually astronomically high, so I never had a chance to appreciate the taste - beyond my league, sorry.

Well, right now so many thins are just made in China, and there is not much quality in them. You cannot expect to buy a winter coat and wear it for 10 years in such way that it still looks good on you after that. Or shoes/boots that you can wear for 5 years and be happy with it. Things are not the same now. I used to buy boots that you could wear for 5 years but they were not made in China... 

A lot of choices probably is a good thing anyway, i just do not want to spend so much time at the store, I value my time and my money. So buying a complete crap even a cheap one is not nice either.

 I bought a bed in April 2010. It is January now and I already giving away parts of it, as I am going to throw away it soon. My mattress is absolute garbage. All springs are sticking into my ribs already. And I assumed that a bed supposed to last a long time, not half a year. Do I want a new bed? No, I don't. Do I have to buy it? I am afraid I have to.

I do not like sleeping on springs. Not much fun after all. So what is sustaining our economy - our buying power, or existence of credit cards, as our buying power is close to zero, as most of us are in a survival mode anyway? Well, I am all for choices, for lots of choices - in employment possibilities, in cheap housing, in healthy nutritional food.  Wishful thinking, I am afraid, it's not going to happen. not in my lifetime.

I refuse to be unhappy.

Weather is strange in Toronto. Yesterday it was almost -20C and today is +1. It feels strange. Actually I felt dizzy on my way to work.

 I came to work and made a cup of coffee with cream. I usually don't dare to drink coffee but I think once in a while and a weak one and with cream that means even weaker - should be okay. I love coffee but I try to avoid it because of my blood pressure. I should not aggravate the thing that is high enough as is. I've never treated it with proper medication, just cannot trust doctors on that. I am sure blood pressure is the result of some abnormalities in my body not just a disease by itself. So what's the point of treating the end result if you don't know what's causing this? The problem is you cannot always be careful enough, you have your life to live, haven't you?

 I am so used to pushing myself when I need some rest instead, that I hardly notice that sometimes. I have to catch myself in the process of overworking and tell,"That's just enough, just go and have a rest." Sometimes it works , sometimes I realise that I overstretched myself when it is too late and I am sick with some cold or something. Right now I have symptoms of cold like for the third week already, way too long. And I cannot shake it no matter what. I tried sleep, rest, good food, vitamins, stayed in bed for a week, drank a lot of freshly squeezed juices - nothing works. Maybe one week was not enough, may be.

 Well, I had some time to think and my thoughts were not happy ones.  I feel like I am not going anywhere, like I am stuck in something that is pretty bore and there is not a progress in that.

And I do not feel comfortable in that weather, especially in Toronto. I feel all that pollution just hanging in the air, just pushing you down, just making you weaker and sicker. I don't like that. I want some fresh air, let it be cold, but I want it to be fresh, not polluted.

I don't want to breathe all that car exhausts on the overcrowded streets of Toronto, but the problem is that I do not have means to go and live somewhere else. Basically I don't know anything about other places in Canada, and from some little things that I heard, every place has its own problems and its own solutions.

 The question is: are you ready to face different problems? Are you equipped with tools for different solutions? That's what I've guessed. So just sit tight and wait for the occasion or for some revelation.

 On Sunday I was riding a bus to downtown at 6 a.m. - my second job I cannot live without. It was bitter cold, that feels bad especially when you do not have enough of sleep and I usually don't, when I have to get up at that time. There was a man sitting across from me on that bus. He was very cold, badly dressed in old sneakers that clearly knew better times and some worn and dirty slacks  and "plastic" jacket, not even parka, yellowish dirty color, well, just plain dirty... No way you should be dressed in Canadian winter like that! He was shivering. His long unkempt half grey hair covered part of his face as if in attempt to gain some warmth , some cover from penetrating cold. What was his destination to in those early hours? Was it his miserable and hard job that made him look like that, when you are so tired that you do not want to take care of yourself, you just want to get by, or was it simply his drunkenness or homelessness that made him look like that - sick, cold, broken, like somebody lost, like somebody nobody needs anymore even himself ? After couple of stops he left the bus, disappeared into dark cold morning, into his cold miserable existence. I was thinking, "Why life is so unfair? Why can't we all be happy, well supplied with all necessities in life, comfortable and well off?" I see it clearly that some of us have too much and some have just nothing, not even a warm coat to cover the empty stomach, I just don't know why. And it bothers me because it should not be like that, society has everything, you just have to know where to go in order to get it. Or is it too hard to give something back? Like your skills, your time, your attention? Is it easier just do nothing and expect somebody to come and give you everything for free? No, nothing is for free and some things require a lot of work and stress, but is it worth it? Yes, I think so, because what you get back is your life, a good one, a happy one, but it cannot just come to you, you have to work on that first. To make an effort.

I need new decisions, new strategies,more money....

Year 2011 is here. After a week of sickness and staying in bed I am back to work. Shaken but determined. I had absolutely worst cold that left me weak and disappointed with myself. I am  determined to take better care of myself. There is no one else to do that and I am not getting any younger... My goals are still a mirage on the horizon so to say. I should work harder with a better plan. First of all I cannot afford being sick so I have to stick to a good diet and no deviations. I really mean it! I have to eat healthy as much as possible and regularly. No more late at night dinners. I have to stop that. Well, I come home late, around 8-9 pm, and I probably have to stop cooking dinners that late. My kids are big enough to do that themselves. I've been spoiling them long enough. A cup of herbal tea and small snack  that's all. Can I stick to that? We'll see.
When I cook I cannot keep myself from eating - food smells good and makes me hungry.
I have to find ways to make more money and put it aside for my mortgage goals. I have to work on that in this new year and that means I need a new approach - old one is not working. I need some experiments, new trials. I need mini-goals. I do not want just to eat, work, sleep, write something, clean my apartment, feed the cats, go shopping, eat, work, sleep again... Life is more than that but for that more stuff  you need more money.
 Should I try to win a lottery? Ne-a-a. It's not going to work. Though I should probably buy lottery tickets sometimes just for fun. Working 24 a day is not going to help either, I need another strategy and better planning. I don't think I have enough wickedness and old world charm in me in order to marry a rich guy and then kill him for his money. And I definitely cannot rob a bank. So I am left to my own meager means and I will stick to them. And I will learn from "gurus" how to make more money.  Though most of them are fakes anyway.  Scams galore! Internet Klondike is opened, buyer beware. Everybody is selling a better shovel, a nice dream. Well, I am not trying to become rich, just to make sure I am not out on the streets, homeless and hungry.That is the scariest thing for any immigrant and I am not an exception. It scares me too.