Autumn is here, are you ready?

  I always feel kind of sad when autumn comes here in Canada. It always hit you with cold rain, suddenly cold weather and after couple of days it's warm again but you cannot trust that warmth any more, you know what is coming and soon, may be even next day.
   Winter is very unfriendly here. You should expect snow and lots of it, low temperature, slippery pavements in case you have to walk a lot and I do, and sometimes some kind of sickness or weakness without a reason and in that case you need something to support your system and not to give up. If like me you do not have to get up and go to work anymore, you still need to follow some kind of time schedule for everything - sleep, eating and most important exercise every day. If you do not like going to gym, you still can have some small equipment at home, like a rubber ball, jumping rope or hula-hoop and you should use it every day. Some jogging before breakfast helps too.
   Due to my affliction, I like to call it that, as I do not like word "disease", I cannot jump or jog, but I still do lots of exercises with light weights and a ball and walk twice every day, even around my apartment in winter when it's too slippery. Last winter I was sick with cold only once and very lightly and I think my exercises and total regime helped.
   Of course when you have to sit at your desk all day 5,6 days a week, it's much harder to keep your health, especially in winter, but still some active exercise after work or before can greatly help. I am not going to mention a good diet. Everybody nowadays knows how important that is. I have a bottle of vitamin C on a shelf in my kitchen and cannot imagine start my day without it.
    I do not like vegetables for some reason but I blend and drink them with some nut milk or plain water because I know how important natural vitamins are. In my life I saw people who ate mostly meat and remember how terrible they looked because we need fresh grass same as animals, may be just different grass. In order to stay healthy by eating meat mostly, we have to eat preferably raw meet by catching wild animals like rabbits for example and eating them right away, while they are still warm and civilized people cannot do that, that means we have to eat grass (vegetables) too and lots of it and if we want meat - free range or grass fed animals are the best. And if you cannot afford such meat, you stick to eggs, less expensive fish and some grains with no butter or sugar in it. That's what my life experience tells me to do and I am trying to follow it. Of course sometimes on a hot day you want some ice cream, cannot blame you...
   So, enjoy good days of autumn, don't fret over bad days - more will follow anyway and check your closet re winter boots and jackets and hats, you'll need them soon. I am out for a walk.

Dog is your friend, but are you his?

  They say in my old country that dog is your friend and I see lots of dogs here, in London, Ontario too. Actually I think I see too many dogs here. I understand when people have dogs and cats in their own house with good backyard and lots of space. But what about small apartments in high rise buildings where space is at premium and you can hardly fit everything necessary for your everyday existence there and there is no extra space for a dog. That means you have to go out with your dog very often and go where your dog can run and jump and feel free or you can turn your dog or cat into a sofa pillow and get out for 5 minutes twice a day as you do not have more time, you have to go to work and be there. In that case I think you should not have a dog or cat at all.
    I never had a dog but I had cats and I remember when we had to move from a house to an apartment how hard it was for them to adjust to that life in a small space without going out. And they appreciated their freedom in and around our house. They could go out when they wanted and they learned pretty soon where their property is and where it is not. Now I don't have cats or dogs any more and living myself in a bachelor where even kitchen is included in that room where I sleep, I cannot imagine to have animals there too, though lots of my neighbors have them and though they don't bark a lot (dogs, not neighbors, of course) most of those animals are very restricted by the time they go out.
   One of my neighbors goes out with a dog to the corner of our building and then turns around and goes back to the house right away. I don't think 5 minutes outside is enough for the animal to do his business; may be enough to get some smoke inhalation from his owner as most of them around do smoke (and I mean neighbors, not dogs), but not enough to get some exercise we all need, both humans and animals.
    So if you think that dog is your friend, give him freedom he needs to stay healthy and if you cannot do that for this or that reason, do not keep him in prison of a small apartment where you can hardly fit yourself, give him for adoption to a better place and then tell me that you care about him.
    Of course some people might say that they need a companion, they are lonely, I understand that. Still you have to remember that a dog or a cat is not a toy and to feed him or pet him is not enough and some of us just do not have enough means to take great care of their pets. Just remember, they cannot do it themselves. They cannot rent a bigger apartment or go to work and earn more money and you can. And if you want to keep a pet you have to do just that. You need a good exercise and healthy food every day and so is your pet. You need fresh air without cigarette smoke and so is your pet, you just have to remember that and not to smoke around your pet or your child, I see a lot of that too. Be good to your pet and you will enjoy its healthy company for many years to come.

London, Ontario - I am still here.

 

    Last year I wanted to go and live somewhere else so badly but now I see that there is no place I can go for now. I cannot return to Toronto though my best friend is there and it would be nice to live somewhere near her and see her more that 2 times a year during big holidays when her boyfriend can drive her to London. But living in Toronto is beyond my financial possibilities and there is nothing like in London where I can afford good apartment at least for now. I don't need a lot of space but  I like to have my own with my own furniture and my own bathroom and kitchen. I don't like to share those with strangers.
    I  remember when I was young and newly married I lived in Leningrad, Russia in a communal flat. They had lots of apartments like this at that time in large cities. You have one or two rooms that are yours and the rest of place you have to share with other people. When you have to live with people you don't know and don't want to know and may be you do not even like those people, it's very difficult even when you are young. We had me and my husband there and 3 more families. I don't know if they still have those apartments in Leningrad (St.Petersburg I think it's called now). I hope with name change they changed some social conditions of people who live there, I don't know. I never liked living like that but now I think many people in Toronto have to share their places with others. Renting is expensive in Toronto.
   When I lost my health and my job I realized that if I want to stay in Toronto this is my only option, so I moved out. Canada is big. You always can find a good place to live there, if you don't like yours. You just have to look around.
   For now my life here is quite comfortable. The only thing I am missing is beach in summer and traveling is rather expensive in Canada. And not every place is covered by bus or train. You need a car and driving and I don't have those. And paying for a taxi to go to a different city is not for me and I think not for most people. So I still have to figure the best way to travel here. Of course you can always walk, can't you?










































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Summer in London, Ontario, enjoy it.

  Yes, summer in our province is not that long so we have to enjoy every moment of it. That's what I am trying to do. This summer I will try to take it in fully - sun and water and nature. I will travel a little, not much, just to Sarnia and back and if I like it and can tolerate it, then may be I will go somewhere else this summer. When you have to go to work, it's hard to enjoy nice weather. You have to get up early, you have to get some kind of breakfast and be sure you'll have something for lunch if you are tied to you table and telephone the way I was. I had to take 2 buses to my work so most of my time I could enjoy the good weather only at a bus stop. And on weekends I had another job so another bus stop waited for me.
   Now I do not have to go to work, sometimes I wish I have, that means I can go anywhere and enjoy weather and season. The only thing that prevents me from enjoying it fully is my health that is not as good as it was, but that's not easy to deal with no matter how I try. And I try to deal with it by good diet and exercise and it helps but not much. It could be worse, as my friend keeps telling me, and I agree. I wasted my health for many years as if I had nine lives to live. Now I regret it but you cannot go back and you need to preserve what you have and do not waste what's left.
   Well, since I wrote this above, I had been in Sarnia and really liked it. A town that is much smaller than London but looks nicer to me and I can tell that river there looks better than Thames river here with more water in it but there is a small fence that does not allow you to get into water and swim into US if you want for some reason, as there is a border along river. You can of course sit near river and just look at. Look but not touch, please. I tried to get to the beach there but there happened a terrible storm there at that day and I missed my chance to see that (beach, not storm).
   I would have moved to Sarnia in a heartbeat but public transportation is so terrible there. I don't even want to talk about it here
. I know that in a small town in Canada, at least in Ontario, public transportation is usually unreliable but not to that extent. That's why I am not moving to Sarnia. For now.

It smells like spring

  I know you can tell me that spring does not smell, that flowers, cut grass or a garbage bin left at the curb smell but if you get out and walk along without putting your nose into that stupid bin, you'll notice that air is different and that spring has it's own special smell that tells you about warm and joy in near future and all good things that can be in your life.
  When spring comes I usually feel like going somewhere where I've never been before. I want to move around and see places and things. I did not have a lot of time to do stuff for myself when I had small children but now they are grown up and I have to do stuff for me and may be find some fun in the process.
   When heat of summer strikes I don't have that feeling anymore.I want to hide myself into some cool place with lots of water and near water but spring time is different. I just wait till some warm weather shows up and let me move around without jacket or heavy boots or any boots whatsoever. I still need to explore London, Ontario more and hopefully with my new diet I will have more energy to move around. I will tell you about my new diet in future but only if it's going to work. There is no point in sharing something that is not going to work so I have to wait and see. There is always a problem if you are capable of sticking to your diet or not. But for me if it's going to work I will stick to it, because I need my energy to live and to do stuff and so far I did not have a lot of it after stroke.
  What else? At one point I was thinking to move to Vancouver, they say it's a beautiful city and near water too. But if you are not rich, you cannot afford Vancouver I was told and there are lots of people who are living on the streets there and I don't want to be one of them. I think it's a very terrible thing to be homeless and have all your stuff in a small cart that you stole from a grocery store. You are not going to enjoy weather if you are homeless even if it is mild like in Vancouver, so I better stay where I am and enjoy what I have. At least for now.

Life is not over yet

            Okay, life is not over yet. I am still here and breathing that means that life goes on and it's spring time. Though it's not warm yet but it's going that direction. I've been living in London Ontario for a year now and it was not a very interesting year but nothing bad happened either. My youngest son finally found a job after university in his specialty, not in Canada unfortunately, but in US. But it's a good job and hopefully he is happy where he is, though I miss him every day but that's my life now. All birds go out of their nest eventually, it's life. You just have to deal with your loneliness and depression in only way possible - keep yourself busy. I am trying very hard to do just that.
   Life in London, Ontario is not difficult for me as I don't have to look for a job at this period of my life and I suspect there is not a lot of jobs in London. Lots of immigrants come here every day from all over the world but mostly to study as I can see. I found one friend here. She is from Mexico and her husband is from Poland. Unfortunately for me she has a young daughter and not much time to socialize and  I understand her as I've been there too and with 3 small children. I was planning to move somewhere else from London but now I am not so sure. I am used to London by now and if I will be able to find another apartment closer to food stores so I don't have to take a bus to buy some food than I may as well stay in London. I don't like my apartment at all. It's very cold in winter. They keep garbage under my apartment as I live on the second floor and it smells sometimes and last but not least - I don't have any sun in my place and this drawback is very serious to me, especially in winter. May be I will be able to find something else I can afford on a sunny side, I don't know. My right hand still not working properly, but I keep working with it, trying to lift things at least with it when I can. It becomes better but very slowly and I am not sure I will be able to do serious thing like writing or eating with it ever again.
   My writing with left hand still looks terrible and I often do not understand myself what I write and it's very annoying but I still try to do some writing  every day. I read Italian book and every time (very often) when I do not understand a word, I look for this word in a dictionary and write it down, sometimes it helps to remember, sometimes it does not. I know you need to train your brain to remember things, to learn new ones.
   For me learning was never a problem but now I am not at school and motivation for learning is much weaker. Still I am sure I can learn a couple of languages and may be use this knowledge for something useful. I like being useful. I wish I could adopt a child but I am too old for that and too damaged physically unfortunately. I can adopt a dog or cat but I do not like dogs very much and I do not like to keep cats on a second floor in a small apartment, so no companion for me, just my books I guess.

How to keep your optimism when you don't have any.

   I was never an optimistic person. Every time something happened I always noticed bad features first and only then some good or positive results of any event. It probably happened early in my life and started with my mom who was very pessimistic all her life and I saw her more often crying than laughing. Actually I never remember her laughing. It was not my mother's behavior. When I grew up I had all kind of events, same as everybody else - education, marriage, children, moving to a different place, then to a different country. I had good and bad things happen to me as anybody else and I cannot complain as good was more present in my life than bad. Unfortunately I could not enjoy my good stuff freely without expecting bad around the corner all the time.
   Now I've come to the period in my life when it looks like there is more bad stuff than good and being in depression looks like a normal result of everything that I have now. And I know that now I can actively create the quality of my life or turn it into a miserable existence without goal and meaning and lots of medications to support its misery and I do not want that.
   First thing probably is not to create unnecessary sufferings by watching bad news on TV or reading tragic stuff in newspapers that are enjoying printing everything bad that happens around the world. Now we can learn about everything - all hurricanes, terrorism, all natural and human created disasters everywhere. If I cannot help it - I don't want to know about it. I wish I could avoid homeless people on the street, it's hard to see them and hard to stay not involved. And what's the point to get involved if you cannot help.
   Good idea is to learn another language. That will give you an extra occupation and you'll expand your cultural horizons at the same time. I am trying to learn a new language - Italian. But it's not easy right now as I do not have a lot of energy and my memory is not as good as it used to be.
   At my age it's hard to make new friends thought I am working on that too. If I will be able to make my right hand to work again properly, I will be able to do some translations as I like it very much. Meaningful occupation is necessary to keep your body and soul together.
   And last but not least - right food for your body is very important, I know that. But for me, I am not sure what kind of food is better for me, as I am not very fond of fruits and vegetables, especially vegetables that are considered the best like spinach and broccoli (I hate broccoli) and fruit that I can afford like apples and bananas and I know that you cannot eat just meat and potatoes all the time and stay healthy. That means I have to work on that. I tried to become a vegetarian but so far it's not working at all for me. And nothing taste good for me nowadays. What I liked to eat before, I don't like now. May be I just have to stop to expect the enjoyment from eating at all and just eat something when I am hungry. Not very fond of this idea, have to work on that too.
   May be I should try to eat food that I never ate before, may be I am just tired to eat the same every day. May be I should try pumpkin instead of oatmeal in the morning and frog legs for dinner? How about goat milk instead of cow's? Though I tried goat milk before and did not find it really tasty. It keeps it's smell - goat smell, same as other goat products. I do not really like almond or any other nut milks that are sold now everywhere and have all kinds of stuff added to it. And making your own nut milk is rather expensive as nuts are not cheap. At least I can make my own yogurt, I like that, though you cannot eat just yogurt and nothing more, you need good calories and good protein and fat and some carbs too. I still like honey, but honey by itself is not food and you cannot eat a lot of it. I still like fish in general. I guess I have to learn to cook more of it. It's good protein and good fat if it's a fatty fish.
   I need more energy, then I will be able to travel at least around Canada as this country has many interesting places that I would like to see with my own eyes, not in the pictures or on TV.
    Let's stay busy!