London, Ontario - I am still here.

 

    Last year I wanted to go and live somewhere else so badly but now I see that there is no place I can go for now. I cannot return to Toronto though my best friend is there and it would be nice to live somewhere near her and see her more that 2 times a year during big holidays when her boyfriend can drive her to London. But living in Toronto is beyond my financial possibilities and there is nothing like in London where I can afford good apartment at least for now. I don't need a lot of space but  I like to have my own with my own furniture and my own bathroom and kitchen. I don't like to share those with strangers.
    I  remember when I was young and newly married I lived in Leningrad, Russia in a communal flat. They had lots of apartments like this at that time in large cities. You have one or two rooms that are yours and the rest of place you have to share with other people. When you have to live with people you don't know and don't want to know and may be you do not even like those people, it's very difficult even when you are young. We had me and my husband there and 3 more families. I don't know if they still have those apartments in Leningrad (St.Petersburg I think it's called now). I hope with name change they changed some social conditions of people who live there, I don't know. I never liked living like that but now I think many people in Toronto have to share their places with others. Renting is expensive in Toronto.
   When I lost my health and my job I realized that if I want to stay in Toronto this is my only option, so I moved out. Canada is big. You always can find a good place to live there, if you don't like yours. You just have to look around.
   For now my life here is quite comfortable. The only thing I am missing is beach in summer and traveling is rather expensive in Canada. And not every place is covered by bus or train. You need a car and driving and I don't have those. And paying for a taxi to go to a different city is not for me and I think not for most people. So I still have to figure the best way to travel here. Of course you can always walk, can't you?










































i

Summer in London, Ontario, enjoy it.

  Yes, summer in our province is not that long so we have to enjoy every moment of it. That's what I am trying to do. This summer I will try to take it in fully - sun and water and nature. I will travel a little, not much, just to Sarnia and back and if I like it and can tolerate it, then may be I will go somewhere else this summer. When you have to go to work, it's hard to enjoy nice weather. You have to get up early, you have to get some kind of breakfast and be sure you'll have something for lunch if you are tied to you table and telephone the way I was. I had to take 2 buses to my work so most of my time I could enjoy the good weather only at a bus stop. And on weekends I had another job so another bus stop waited for me.
   Now I do not have to go to work, sometimes I wish I have, that means I can go anywhere and enjoy weather and season. The only thing that prevents me from enjoying it fully is my health that is not as good as it was, but that's not easy to deal with no matter how I try. And I try to deal with it by good diet and exercise and it helps but not much. It could be worse, as my friend keeps telling me, and I agree. I wasted my health for many years as if I had nine lives to live. Now I regret it but you cannot go back and you need to preserve what you have and do not waste what's left.
   Well, since I wrote this above, I had been in Sarnia and really liked it. A town that is much smaller than London but looks nicer to me and I can tell that river there looks better than Thames river here with more water in it but there is a small fence that does not allow you to get into water and swim into US if you want for some reason, as there is a border along river. You can of course sit near river and just look at. Look but not touch, please. I tried to get to the beach there but there happened a terrible storm there at that day and I missed my chance to see that (beach, not storm).
   I would have moved to Sarnia in a heartbeat but public transportation is so terrible there. I don't even want to talk about it here
. I know that in a small town in Canada, at least in Ontario, public transportation is usually unreliable but not to that extent. That's why I am not moving to Sarnia. For now.

It smells like spring

  I know you can tell me that spring does not smell, that flowers, cut grass or a garbage bin left at the curb smell but if you get out and walk along without putting your nose into that stupid bin, you'll notice that air is different and that spring has it's own special smell that tells you about warm and joy in near future and all good things that can be in your life.
  When spring comes I usually feel like going somewhere where I've never been before. I want to move around and see places and things. I did not have a lot of time to do stuff for myself when I had small children but now they are grown up and I have to do stuff for me and may be find some fun in the process.
   When heat of summer strikes I don't have that feeling anymore.I want to hide myself into some cool place with lots of water and near water but spring time is different. I just wait till some warm weather shows up and let me move around without jacket or heavy boots or any boots whatsoever. I still need to explore London, Ontario more and hopefully with my new diet I will have more energy to move around. I will tell you about my new diet in future but only if it's going to work. There is no point in sharing something that is not going to work so I have to wait and see. There is always a problem if you are capable of sticking to your diet or not. But for me if it's going to work I will stick to it, because I need my energy to live and to do stuff and so far I did not have a lot of it after stroke.
  What else? At one point I was thinking to move to Vancouver, they say it's a beautiful city and near water too. But if you are not rich, you cannot afford Vancouver I was told and there are lots of people who are living on the streets there and I don't want to be one of them. I think it's a very terrible thing to be homeless and have all your stuff in a small cart that you stole from a grocery store. You are not going to enjoy weather if you are homeless even if it is mild like in Vancouver, so I better stay where I am and enjoy what I have. At least for now.

Life is not over yet

            Okay, life is not over yet. I am still here and breathing that means that life goes on and it's spring time. Though it's not warm yet but it's going that direction. I've been living in London Ontario for a year now and it was not a very interesting year but nothing bad happened either. My youngest son finally found a job after university in his specialty, not in Canada unfortunately, but in US. But it's a good job and hopefully he is happy where he is, though I miss him every day but that's my life now. All birds go out of their nest eventually, it's life. You just have to deal with your loneliness and depression in only way possible - keep yourself busy. I am trying very hard to do just that.
   Life in London, Ontario is not difficult for me as I don't have to look for a job at this period of my life and I suspect there is not a lot of jobs in London. Lots of immigrants come here every day from all over the world but mostly to study as I can see. I found one friend here. She is from Mexico and her husband is from Poland. Unfortunately for me she has a young daughter and not much time to socialize and  I understand her as I've been there too and with 3 small children. I was planning to move somewhere else from London but now I am not so sure. I am used to London by now and if I will be able to find another apartment closer to food stores so I don't have to take a bus to buy some food than I may as well stay in London. I don't like my apartment at all. It's very cold in winter. They keep garbage under my apartment as I live on the second floor and it smells sometimes and last but not least - I don't have any sun in my place and this drawback is very serious to me, especially in winter. May be I will be able to find something else I can afford on a sunny side, I don't know. My right hand still not working properly, but I keep working with it, trying to lift things at least with it when I can. It becomes better but very slowly and I am not sure I will be able to do serious thing like writing or eating with it ever again.
   My writing with left hand still looks terrible and I often do not understand myself what I write and it's very annoying but I still try to do some writing  every day. I read Italian book and every time (very often) when I do not understand a word, I look for this word in a dictionary and write it down, sometimes it helps to remember, sometimes it does not. I know you need to train your brain to remember things, to learn new ones.
   For me learning was never a problem but now I am not at school and motivation for learning is much weaker. Still I am sure I can learn a couple of languages and may be use this knowledge for something useful. I like being useful. I wish I could adopt a child but I am too old for that and too damaged physically unfortunately. I can adopt a dog or cat but I do not like dogs very much and I do not like to keep cats on a second floor in a small apartment, so no companion for me, just my books I guess.

How to keep your optimism when you don't have any.

   I was never an optimistic person. Every time something happened I always noticed bad features first and only then some good or positive results of any event. It probably happened early in my life and started with my mom who was very pessimistic all her life and I saw her more often crying than laughing. Actually I never remember her laughing. It was not my mother's behavior. When I grew up I had all kind of events, same as everybody else - education, marriage, children, moving to a different place, then to a different country. I had good and bad things happen to me as anybody else and I cannot complain as good was more present in my life than bad. Unfortunately I could not enjoy my good stuff freely without expecting bad around the corner all the time.
   Now I've come to the period in my life when it looks like there is more bad stuff than good and being in depression looks like a normal result of everything that I have now. And I know that now I can actively create the quality of my life or turn it into a miserable existence without goal and meaning and lots of medications to support its misery and I do not want that.
   First thing probably is not to create unnecessary sufferings by watching bad news on TV or reading tragic stuff in newspapers that are enjoying printing everything bad that happens around the world. Now we can learn about everything - all hurricanes, terrorism, all natural and human created disasters everywhere. If I cannot help it - I don't want to know about it. I wish I could avoid homeless people on the street, it's hard to see them and hard to stay not involved. And what's the point to get involved if you cannot help.
   Good idea is to learn another language. That will give you an extra occupation and you'll expand your cultural horizons at the same time. I am trying to learn a new language - Italian. But it's not easy right now as I do not have a lot of energy and my memory is not as good as it used to be.
   At my age it's hard to make new friends thought I am working on that too. If I will be able to make my right hand to work again properly, I will be able to do some translations as I like it very much. Meaningful occupation is necessary to keep your body and soul together.
   And last but not least - right food for your body is very important, I know that. But for me, I am not sure what kind of food is better for me, as I am not very fond of fruits and vegetables, especially vegetables that are considered the best like spinach and broccoli (I hate broccoli) and fruit that I can afford like apples and bananas and I know that you cannot eat just meat and potatoes all the time and stay healthy. That means I have to work on that. I tried to become a vegetarian but so far it's not working at all for me. And nothing taste good for me nowadays. What I liked to eat before, I don't like now. May be I just have to stop to expect the enjoyment from eating at all and just eat something when I am hungry. Not very fond of this idea, have to work on that too.
   May be I should try to eat food that I never ate before, may be I am just tired to eat the same every day. May be I should try pumpkin instead of oatmeal in the morning and frog legs for dinner? How about goat milk instead of cow's? Though I tried goat milk before and did not find it really tasty. It keeps it's smell - goat smell, same as other goat products. I do not really like almond or any other nut milks that are sold now everywhere and have all kinds of stuff added to it. And making your own nut milk is rather expensive as nuts are not cheap. At least I can make my own yogurt, I like that, though you cannot eat just yogurt and nothing more, you need good calories and good protein and fat and some carbs too. I still like honey, but honey by itself is not food and you cannot eat a lot of it. I still like fish in general. I guess I have to learn to cook more of it. It's good protein and good fat if it's a fatty fish.
   I need more energy, then I will be able to travel at least around Canada as this country has many interesting places that I would like to see with my own eyes, not in the pictures or on TV.
    Let's stay busy!

When life lost it's meaning' you have to find it.

   I know, it's hard to live when suddenly you feel like your life is over but you are still not dead and somehow you have to eat, sleep and support yourself though you don't feel like there is any sense in doing that. That happened to me last year when I suddenly found myself in the hospital after a stroke. Those first months were absolutely most horrible in my life. I could not walk, my right hand was like a piece of cloth. I was thinking about killing myself as the only option, because life in a wheel-chair is not for me. Then suddenly, I realized that I can learn how to walk again and my will to live returned and I had a goal - to get my health back as much as possible. I left my hospital with a walker but not with a wheel-chair. Now, year ahead I don't use any help with walking but I still work on my right arm and think I will be able to return it back eventually. When and how - it's another story. The worst part in it is the necessity to retire from work and from that working environment I was so used to have. Now I feel like I am a fish from water but I guess I have to get used to it. Not much water here in London,Ontario, by the way. That river they have looks like a dirty swamp here in downtown. Not event much attraction to go there.
  May be I will learn another language and write a novel. I have some ideas but I put them on a side burner long time ago and now it looks like those ideas expired in the process of my living life. May be not completely. May be I just need more time to get better first.
   Would be nice to find some friends here but I guess I am not very good at it. People do not like strangers here, I noticed. I have one friend, she lives in Toronto and now she has a new boyfriend, so she is busy and I do not want to bother her a lot, but at least I have somebody to call when I feel completely lost and forgotten. And I feel it every day unfortunately. May be I should travel more, at least in London and around while weather is still good. And this year weather is pretty good to us. Not much cold  still and no snow and temperature still in plus though it's the end of October. Hopefully it stays like that for a little while. It's nice outside and you do not need a lot of sweaters, not yet.

What makes us the way we are?

  What exactly makes us? Why we are what we are? And why is it so hard to change? Your personality, your habits, your life.  I never thought about my life a lot, I just lived it. In my old country food was not plenty when  grew up. You just have to eat what you have and glad that you have it. Then society had changed. Now we have cheap food made from crap mostly and expensive food - organic, almond, gluten free, what not. I don't know what ordinary, not rich people eat in my old country, as I haven't been there for a long time, but I know that in Canada all that organic food is nor accessible for middle class, if we have such in Canada. Some people say, that we have not such class anymore. Just rich and poor. That means I am poor now.
   I can think now, I have time for that. I have my small old age pension and have to survive on it. But I still want to survive good way. I don't drink, smoke, my blood pressure medication is not that expensive right now and I still hope to find way to lower blood pressure somehow, don't know yet how, so not to stuff myself with medications too much. I want to live near my children, not in a different city like now. I know that I cannot do a lot, but may be I still have some years of some productive activity.
   I know that everything we eat, everything we do shapes us and with good genetics and healthy life style you can live long  and be happy unless you meet with some terrorists or you decide to cross the road in a wrong place at the wrong time. Crossing the road is easier in London than in Toronto and we have less terrorists here I hope, but healthy life style? Not so sure about that.
   We have a natural river here in London, Ontario but no one swims in it because it is polluted and everywhere in downtown near river there are bushes of wild grass and piles of stones and dirt and bad smell from water in some places on a hot day. We have a swimming pool downtown near river on Ridout St but who wants to pay $ 4.50 for a swim, not me for sure. Would be nice to have an open pool that is affordable but not in London probably and not for poor people. 
   In some places people do not swim in the river because they have crocodiles there. We do not swim in the river here because we were so stupid and reckless that we managed to pollute it to the point that no one even wants to come close to it. Only ducks seem happy and I cannot pretend I am the one.Shame, what can I say. Natural source of health and no one can use it for free. Want to swim, pay 4.50 and go ahead. And what if I don't want to spend 4.50 just to sit in water for 2 hours. I still need to buy food though I don't need a lot. At least we have green parks and relatively fresh air, thanks for that, government, I am very happy already.
   Well, next time I move, I will find a place with some natural water near by I hope and relatively clean one. I just need to find such place. I tried before I moved to London but could not find anything and I did not have a lot of time for looking, so I chose London and now I am here. I just did not expect it to be so conservative in many ways and though people are not very friendly here, they are very polite as a rule, even homeless. They ask you for money and if you do not give them any, they still say thank you. I am impressed. If I were homeless for any reason I would never thank anybody I think. But then I was never homeless so I don't know. I cannot get used to see so many beggars in London. Are they all so desperate, or is it just a habit to get some free money? I don't know. But it does not look good for a city. I wish somebody could do something, I mean somebody who has authority in society. Most of these people are quite young and could be working somewhere not begging on a street. But I know how hard for young people to find a job in Canada. My youngest kid is still unemployed with university diploma and good habits and living in Toronto.