It smells like spring

  I know you can tell me that spring does not smell, that flowers, cut grass or a garbage bin left at the curb smell but if you get out and walk along without putting your nose into that stupid bin, you'll notice that air is different and that spring has it's own special smell that tells you about warm and joy in near future and all good things that can be in your life.
  When spring comes I usually feel like going somewhere where I've never been before. I want to move around and see places and things. I did not have a lot of time to do stuff for myself when I had small children but now they are grown up and I have to do stuff for me and may be find some fun in the process.
   When heat of summer strikes I don't have that feeling anymore.I want to hide myself into some cool place with lots of water and near water but spring time is different. I just wait till some warm weather shows up and let me move around without jacket or heavy boots or any boots whatsoever. I still need to explore London, Ontario more and hopefully with my new diet I will have more energy to move around. I will tell you about my new diet in future but only if it's going to work. There is no point in sharing something that is not going to work so I have to wait and see. There is always a problem if you are capable of sticking to your diet or not. But for me if it's going to work I will stick to it, because I need my energy to live and to do stuff and so far I did not have a lot of it after stroke.
  What else? At one point I was thinking to move to Vancouver, they say it's a beautiful city and near water too. But if you are not rich, you cannot afford Vancouver I was told and there are lots of people who are living on the streets there and I don't want to be one of them. I think it's a very terrible thing to be homeless and have all your stuff in a small cart that you stole from a grocery store. You are not going to enjoy weather if you are homeless even if it is mild like in Vancouver, so I better stay where I am and enjoy what I have. At least for now.

Life is not over yet

            Okay, life is not over yet. I am still here and breathing that means that life goes on and it's spring time. Though it's not warm yet but it's going that direction. I've been living in London Ontario for a year now and it was not a very interesting year but nothing bad happened either. My youngest son finally found a job after university in his specialty, not in Canada unfortunately, but in US. But it's a good job and hopefully he is happy where he is, though I miss him every day but that's my life now. All birds go out of their nest eventually, it's life. You just have to deal with your loneliness and depression in only way possible - keep yourself busy. I am trying very hard to do just that.
   Life in London, Ontario is not difficult for me as I don't have to look for a job at this period of my life and I suspect there is not a lot of jobs in London. Lots of immigrants come here every day from all over the world but mostly to study as I can see. I found one friend here. She is from Mexico and her husband is from Poland. Unfortunately for me she has a young daughter and not much time to socialize and  I understand her as I've been there too and with 3 small children. I was planning to move somewhere else from London but now I am not so sure. I am used to London by now and if I will be able to find another apartment closer to food stores so I don't have to take a bus to buy some food than I may as well stay in London. I don't like my apartment at all. It's very cold in winter. They keep garbage under my apartment as I live on the second floor and it smells sometimes and last but not least - I don't have any sun in my place and this drawback is very serious to me, especially in winter. May be I will be able to find something else I can afford on a sunny side, I don't know. My right hand still not working properly, but I keep working with it, trying to lift things at least with it when I can. It becomes better but very slowly and I am not sure I will be able to do serious thing like writing or eating with it ever again.
   My writing with left hand still looks terrible and I often do not understand myself what I write and it's very annoying but I still try to do some writing  every day. I read Italian book and every time (very often) when I do not understand a word, I look for this word in a dictionary and write it down, sometimes it helps to remember, sometimes it does not. I know you need to train your brain to remember things, to learn new ones.
   For me learning was never a problem but now I am not at school and motivation for learning is much weaker. Still I am sure I can learn a couple of languages and may be use this knowledge for something useful. I like being useful. I wish I could adopt a child but I am too old for that and too damaged physically unfortunately. I can adopt a dog or cat but I do not like dogs very much and I do not like to keep cats on a second floor in a small apartment, so no companion for me, just my books I guess.

How to keep your optimism when you don't have any.

   I was never an optimistic person. Every time something happened I always noticed bad features first and only then some good or positive results of any event. It probably happened early in my life and started with my mom who was very pessimistic all her life and I saw her more often crying than laughing. Actually I never remember her laughing. It was not my mother's behavior. When I grew up I had all kind of events, same as everybody else - education, marriage, children, moving to a different place, then to a different country. I had good and bad things happen to me as anybody else and I cannot complain as good was more present in my life than bad. Unfortunately I could not enjoy my good stuff freely without expecting bad around the corner all the time.
   Now I've come to the period in my life when it looks like there is more bad stuff than good and being in depression looks like a normal result of everything that I have now. And I know that now I can actively create the quality of my life or turn it into a miserable existence without goal and meaning and lots of medications to support its misery and I do not want that.
   First thing probably is not to create unnecessary sufferings by watching bad news on TV or reading tragic stuff in newspapers that are enjoying printing everything bad that happens around the world. Now we can learn about everything - all hurricanes, terrorism, all natural and human created disasters everywhere. If I cannot help it - I don't want to know about it. I wish I could avoid homeless people on the street, it's hard to see them and hard to stay not involved. And what's the point to get involved if you cannot help.
   Good idea is to learn another language. That will give you an extra occupation and you'll expand your cultural horizons at the same time. I am trying to learn a new language - Italian. But it's not easy right now as I do not have a lot of energy and my memory is not as good as it used to be.
   At my age it's hard to make new friends thought I am working on that too. If I will be able to make my right hand to work again properly, I will be able to do some translations as I like it very much. Meaningful occupation is necessary to keep your body and soul together.
   And last but not least - right food for your body is very important, I know that. But for me, I am not sure what kind of food is better for me, as I am not very fond of fruits and vegetables, especially vegetables that are considered the best like spinach and broccoli (I hate broccoli) and fruit that I can afford like apples and bananas and I know that you cannot eat just meat and potatoes all the time and stay healthy. That means I have to work on that. I tried to become a vegetarian but so far it's not working at all for me. And nothing taste good for me nowadays. What I liked to eat before, I don't like now. May be I just have to stop to expect the enjoyment from eating at all and just eat something when I am hungry. Not very fond of this idea, have to work on that too.
   May be I should try to eat food that I never ate before, may be I am just tired to eat the same every day. May be I should try pumpkin instead of oatmeal in the morning and frog legs for dinner? How about goat milk instead of cow's? Though I tried goat milk before and did not find it really tasty. It keeps it's smell - goat smell, same as other goat products. I do not really like almond or any other nut milks that are sold now everywhere and have all kinds of stuff added to it. And making your own nut milk is rather expensive as nuts are not cheap. At least I can make my own yogurt, I like that, though you cannot eat just yogurt and nothing more, you need good calories and good protein and fat and some carbs too. I still like honey, but honey by itself is not food and you cannot eat a lot of it. I still like fish in general. I guess I have to learn to cook more of it. It's good protein and good fat if it's a fatty fish.
   I need more energy, then I will be able to travel at least around Canada as this country has many interesting places that I would like to see with my own eyes, not in the pictures or on TV.
    Let's stay busy!

When life lost it's meaning' you have to find it.

   I know, it's hard to live when suddenly you feel like your life is over but you are still not dead and somehow you have to eat, sleep and support yourself though you don't feel like there is any sense in doing that. That happened to me last year when I suddenly found myself in the hospital after a stroke. Those first months were absolutely most horrible in my life. I could not walk, my right hand was like a piece of cloth. I was thinking about killing myself as the only option, because life in a wheel-chair is not for me. Then suddenly, I realized that I can learn how to walk again and my will to live returned and I had a goal - to get my health back as much as possible. I left my hospital with a walker but not with a wheel-chair. Now, year ahead I don't use any help with walking but I still work on my right arm and think I will be able to return it back eventually. When and how - it's another story. The worst part in it is the necessity to retire from work and from that working environment I was so used to have. Now I feel like I am a fish from water but I guess I have to get used to it. Not much water here in London,Ontario, by the way. That river they have looks like a dirty swamp here in downtown. Not event much attraction to go there.
  May be I will learn another language and write a novel. I have some ideas but I put them on a side burner long time ago and now it looks like those ideas expired in the process of my living life. May be not completely. May be I just need more time to get better first.
   Would be nice to find some friends here but I guess I am not very good at it. People do not like strangers here, I noticed. I have one friend, she lives in Toronto and now she has a new boyfriend, so she is busy and I do not want to bother her a lot, but at least I have somebody to call when I feel completely lost and forgotten. And I feel it every day unfortunately. May be I should travel more, at least in London and around while weather is still good. And this year weather is pretty good to us. Not much cold  still and no snow and temperature still in plus though it's the end of October. Hopefully it stays like that for a little while. It's nice outside and you do not need a lot of sweaters, not yet.

What makes us the way we are?

  What exactly makes us? Why we are what we are? And why is it so hard to change? Your personality, your habits, your life.  I never thought about my life a lot, I just lived it. In my old country food was not plenty when  grew up. You just have to eat what you have and glad that you have it. Then society had changed. Now we have cheap food made from crap mostly and expensive food - organic, almond, gluten free, what not. I don't know what ordinary, not rich people eat in my old country, as I haven't been there for a long time, but I know that in Canada all that organic food is nor accessible for middle class, if we have such in Canada. Some people say, that we have not such class anymore. Just rich and poor. That means I am poor now.
   I can think now, I have time for that. I have my small old age pension and have to survive on it. But I still want to survive good way. I don't drink, smoke, my blood pressure medication is not that expensive right now and I still hope to find way to lower blood pressure somehow, don't know yet how, so not to stuff myself with medications too much. I want to live near my children, not in a different city like now. I know that I cannot do a lot, but may be I still have some years of some productive activity.
   I know that everything we eat, everything we do shapes us and with good genetics and healthy life style you can live long  and be happy unless you meet with some terrorists or you decide to cross the road in a wrong place at the wrong time. Crossing the road is easier in London than in Toronto and we have less terrorists here I hope, but healthy life style? Not so sure about that.
   We have a natural river here in London, Ontario but no one swims in it because it is polluted and everywhere in downtown near river there are bushes of wild grass and piles of stones and dirt and bad smell from water in some places on a hot day. We have a swimming pool downtown near river on Ridout St but who wants to pay $ 4.50 for a swim, not me for sure. Would be nice to have an open pool that is affordable but not in London probably and not for poor people. 
   In some places people do not swim in the river because they have crocodiles there. We do not swim in the river here because we were so stupid and reckless that we managed to pollute it to the point that no one even wants to come close to it. Only ducks seem happy and I cannot pretend I am the one.Shame, what can I say. Natural source of health and no one can use it for free. Want to swim, pay 4.50 and go ahead. And what if I don't want to spend 4.50 just to sit in water for 2 hours. I still need to buy food though I don't need a lot. At least we have green parks and relatively fresh air, thanks for that, government, I am very happy already.
   Well, next time I move, I will find a place with some natural water near by I hope and relatively clean one. I just need to find such place. I tried before I moved to London but could not find anything and I did not have a lot of time for looking, so I chose London and now I am here. I just did not expect it to be so conservative in many ways and though people are not very friendly here, they are very polite as a rule, even homeless. They ask you for money and if you do not give them any, they still say thank you. I am impressed. If I were homeless for any reason I would never thank anybody I think. But then I was never homeless so I don't know. I cannot get used to see so many beggars in London. Are they all so desperate, or is it just a habit to get some free money? I don't know. But it does not look good for a city. I wish somebody could do something, I mean somebody who has authority in society. Most of these people are quite young and could be working somewhere not begging on a street. But I know how hard for young people to find a job in Canada. My youngest kid is still unemployed with university diploma and good habits and living in Toronto.

Something else about diet

   I hate this word 'diet'. When people tell me about diet, I immediately imagine pieces of sour grapefruit and a bland vegetable soup with nothing in it but fresh cabbage or sauerkraut, that's what we ate at my time in my old country. I remember when my husband told me that he was going on a diet and asked me to cook a vegetable soup for him. I tried to make it taste better so I put some hot pepper in it. Very little, just to flavor it. My husband was so angry at me. He told me that I ruined his diet soup, so I had to cook it again without hot pepper in it. My husband was eating this soup for a whole day and no matter how often he ate it, he still felt hungry, so at the end of the day he told me he could not do it any more and fried himself two eggs with butter, as he could not stand this diet.
   In my country I tried to starve myself in order not to gain weight. It was easy as we did not have a lot of food and people knew how to maximize what they had and stretch food so it lasted longer.
  I know my mom did that too just differently. If she did not have enough food she would drink some tea with sugar and a piece of bread with margarine. Not the best diet. I did not like margarine and I eliminated sugar from my drinks after my first son was born though I did not know that sugar is bad for you at that time. I just felt it 's better to put less empty calories into my food.
   Here in Canada I see another problem. If you do not have a lot of money, cheapest food is not the best in quality and has lots of preservatives and just dubious chemicals that do not do anything for your nutritional requirement. Some people I know just go and buy some pizza for lunch and leftover of it might serve as a dinner.
    I do not spent a lot of energy now as I am not working and do not have to jump from my bed and run to catch the bus. But I still want to eat good affordable food and not to feel malnourished and not to gain extra weight. I am used to eating small portions but I still need those portions though here in London, Ontario I have to walk quite a distance in order to get some affordable food as close to my place on Dundas street there is nothing but pizza places on every corner and I cannot treat pizza as a regular meal. There is a small grocery store close to Adelaide St on Dundas but it's not cheap at all. I still don't know if butter is really bad for you as olive oil is expensive, nuts are not cheap either. My friend in Toronto (where you can find a lot of cheap food places by the way), she does not eat meat or fish, just vegetables and fruits and nuts. but for me such diet does not feel right and I think that counting calories is the stupidest thing that was invented by food industry to distract us from food quality and prices. I don't know anything about organic food but prices on that are overwhelming. Best I can do is to buy organic eggs sometimes, not often.
   Market in London is not cheap but sometimes you can buy some groceries on discount or some fruit salads that you can eat as it's easy for me to buy a ready made salad than regular fruits separately and make my own with one hand in use. Other salads I just do not like, though I eat tomatoes when I manage to buy the good ones.
   Right now it's the right season to have tomatoes and prices are not bad. In winter they will be more expensive and rather tasteless. In winter I prefer cabbage salad or may be some salads from a jar. Though those from a jar are not cheap either. They started to sell boiled peeled beats in a vacuumed package in Dollarama. I find it very convenient for a beat salad and it costs one dollar and 25 cents for a half-kilo of ready for anything product. Very nice.
  

Not to pick up extra weight

  When you are older it's usually hard not to pick up some extra pounds, especially if you are good at it. For me through all my adult life it was always easy to gain and hard to drop. Now, when I cannot even exercise with lots of strength like running or swimming because my blood pressure medication makes me weak and robs me of my energy whatever is still left in me, I have to be more creative. Of course I can walk and I walk as much as I can every day, but when it's time for lunch, I have to figure out, what to eat and what I have to forget about completely from now on. My diet has to be completely different from a regular person who gets up and goes to work every day. I cannot do it any more, I am retired, may be for good.
  I cannot say I like the situation but what can you do? If you cannot kill them, join them, or something like that. Well, I came from culture with lots of potatoes, meat, fish, fried, smoked and lots of it consumed every day, every meal. I did not have a lot of appetite when I was a child but boy-or-boy I have it now! I can eat my breakfast and feel hungry in an hour. I like bacon, fried potatoes with eggs and sausage, smoked meat and fish. I don't eat a lot but I can eat often enough to compensate those small meals. And you know what? Never mind what you eat between meals, even if it is a cracker with cream cheese or jam, you still add some pounds, whether you like it or not. The only thing that will add  nothing is a piece of orange or some other fresh fruit or veggie, like apple or cherry and may be cucumber or tomato but no dressing with it.
  Right now I am trying to drop to become 65 kg, as this was my weight at 25 and I think that's the only weight that may be helping me to control my blood pressure at 65.
  May be I am mistaken but let me try, then we'll see. I still need like 4-5  pound to loose to bring me to this weight, but for some reason my body does not want to do that. Other than starvation I tried everything. And I do not want to keep me hungry, as it's not going to hold in the long run and I need to drop the extra pounds and  keep them there.
   Vegetarian food make me feel like a cow in the field, but without meat, it's easier to keep your weight off . I stopped eating sugar, but that did not make lots of difference. Now, what's next to go? I still have a sausage in my freezer and some chicken bones. And 2 pieces of chicken breast. I hate chicken breast, -please, don't tell that to starving kids in Africa!