How to survive when your life takes away everything from you, even lemons...

   Now it is summer of 2019. I was seriously ill, have been at the hospital for some time, almost said good bye to my life but here I am still alive and kicking. Life goes on so far and so is my blog.
   What should I write about? I want to speak about difficult times. What should you do when bad things happen to you? And they do happen sometimes unfortunately.
   When my husband had a stroke at 2006 I  thought my life was over. In a way it was. That life I had before was indeed over but a different one started. When you are still breathing and walking you have to do certain things, you have to survive. Even if you think you cannot tolerate your life anymore. But you have to survive if other people depend on you. You get up and go and do what you have to do and when you cannot stand it anymore you just ... write poems. That's what I was doing then. I would sit or lie down with a piece of paper and a pen or pencil and I would write limericks and do not ask me why. It was my way out. My tiredness and negative emotions would dissolve in my creative outburst and my creative outburst would give me some relaxation. Funny how life turns around unexpectedly sometimes.

There lived one old dame in Siberia,

Every night in her dreams she saw Beria.

Doctor gave her some pills, after swallowing that

She was dreaming about her young neighbor instead,

That silly old dame from Siberia!

   That creative writing helped me to survive my husband's disease, my 3 jobs I had to have before I started getting disability payments for my husband and lots of other stuff your broken life presents you with. I could start smoking or drinking as some people do when they have unbearable problems in their life but instead I created something that normally I didn't do and couldn't do.

There lived that peculiar Miss Yvette,
 She imagined herself as a pussycat. 
She grew up some whiskers and sewed up a tail, 
Tried catching a mouse and completely failed, 
That unlucky cat, Miss Yvette!

Recently I found those limericks and collected them in one place on my computer. They remind me about bad times but for some reason I cannot delete them. So, what do you do when your life takes away everything from you, even lemons? You create something you've never had before. It's not lemonade but might help. It helped me for sure.

Winter is so close, be ready.

Yes, winter is very close. I used to love it. Winter means snow and holidays, skating and skiing and throwing snow balls at your friends and so much more. Winter is like a different world and not just weather.
    I grew up in a small town in Latvia with not much traffic or pedestrians. I could get out of my house, put on skis and just walk to the river that was not that far from my house and I ski there on its snowy banks. On a very cold month part of the river became frozen but I was never allowed to skate or ski there and I understood from early age how dangerous river can be, even if it looks frozen and safe. And we had a good skating rink in town and I used to go there though sometimes I just skated on a frozen road near my house that was almost as slippery as a skating rink but much more dangerous because of traffic.

   In my country at that time they did not put salt on roads just sand and you could always see if road had sand on it or not. Of course less traffic means less sand and more ability to skate there or ski on a side of it. Children always find ways to have some dangerous fun and parents have to work.
   In summer all I usually had was 3 months of holidays - no school, that means swimming, sunbathing and lots of reading. I usually read all books that were assigned for the next year for your reading at school, other books that I liked to read and sometimes when my parents would send me to my grandparents to the country where there was no books other than some old gardening books - you can guess. From early age I knew how to grow fruit trees at least in theory - I would read anything if there is nothing else to do.
   In winter it is quite different. After lots of outside activities in snow it's so nice to stay in a warm place with a book and a cup of tea. I still like it, I mean the second part, staying outside and playing with snow is not for me any more. I still try to go out and walk but here in London, Ontario we do not have a lot of salt on the pavements and the prospect of falling on a slippery road does not give you much needed enthusiasm.
    I am not a big fan of gyms but something needs to be done this winter. Last winter I fell once on ice - very lucky I should say as I had some bruises but nothing was broken and I like that but you cannot wait for luck every time, you have to work for it. Anyway. Warm hats are ready, warm coat is in the closet, boots, gloves,scarfs - lots of scarfs any size and color. All we need some snow and frost and adjust our activities according to season. And if you do not have time to enjoy winter everyday, find time on your weekends to do that. It's just another season and a long one in our climate with its good day and bad ones as any other season. Please, try to enjoy it. I will.

Autumn is here, are you ready?

  I always feel kind of sad when autumn comes here in Canada. It always hit you with cold rain, suddenly cold weather and after couple of days it's warm again but you cannot trust that warmth any more, you know what is coming and soon, may be even next day.
   Winter is very unfriendly here. You should expect snow and lots of it, low temperature, slippery pavements in case you have to walk a lot and I do, and sometimes some kind of sickness or weakness without a reason and in that case you need something to support your system and not to give up. If like me you do not have to get up and go to work anymore, you still need to follow some kind of time schedule for everything - sleep, eating and most important exercise every day. If you do not like going to gym, you still can have some small equipment at home, like a rubber ball, jumping rope or hula-hoop and you should use it every day. Some jogging before breakfast helps too.
   Due to my affliction, I like to call it that, as I do not like word "disease", I cannot jump or jog, but I still do lots of exercises with light weights and a ball and walk twice every day, even around my apartment in winter when it's too slippery. Last winter I was sick with cold only once and very lightly and I think my exercises and total regime helped.
   Of course when you have to sit at your desk all day 5,6 days a week, it's much harder to keep your health, especially in winter, but still some active exercise after work or before can greatly help. I am not going to mention a good diet. Everybody nowadays knows how important that is. I have a bottle of vitamin C on a shelf in my kitchen and cannot imagine start my day without it.
    I do not like vegetables for some reason but I blend and drink them with some nut milk or plain water because I know how important natural vitamins are. In my life I saw people who ate mostly meat and remember how terrible they looked because we need fresh grass same as animals, may be just different grass. In order to stay healthy by eating meat mostly, we have to eat preferably raw meet by catching wild animals like rabbits for example and eating them right away, while they are still warm and civilized people cannot do that, that means we have to eat grass (vegetables) too and lots of it and if we want meat - free range or grass fed animals are the best. And if you cannot afford such meat, you stick to eggs, less expensive fish and some grains with no butter or sugar in it. That's what my life experience tells me to do and I am trying to follow it. Of course sometimes on a hot day you want some ice cream, cannot blame you...
   So, enjoy good days of autumn, don't fret over bad days - more will follow anyway and check your closet re winter boots and jackets and hats, you'll need them soon. I am out for a walk.

Dog is your friend, but are you his?

  They say in my old country that dog is your friend and I see lots of dogs here, in London, Ontario too. Actually I think I see too many dogs here. I understand when people have dogs and cats in their own house with good backyard and lots of space. But what about small apartments in high rise buildings where space is at premium and you can hardly fit everything necessary for your everyday existence there and there is no extra space for a dog. That means you have to go out with your dog very often and go where your dog can run and jump and feel free or you can turn your dog or cat into a sofa pillow and get out for 5 minutes twice a day as you do not have more time, you have to go to work and be there. In that case I think you should not have a dog or cat at all.
    I never had a dog but I had cats and I remember when we had to move from a house to an apartment how hard it was for them to adjust to that life in a small space without going out. And they appreciated their freedom in and around our house. They could go out when they wanted and they learned pretty soon where their property is and where it is not. Now I don't have cats or dogs any more and living myself in a bachelor where even kitchen is included in that room where I sleep, I cannot imagine to have animals there too, though lots of my neighbors have them and though they don't bark a lot (dogs, not neighbors, of course) most of those animals are very restricted by the time they go out.
   One of my neighbors goes out with a dog to the corner of our building and then turns around and goes back to the house right away. I don't think 5 minutes outside is enough for the animal to do his business; may be enough to get some smoke inhalation from his owner as most of them around do smoke (and I mean neighbors, not dogs), but not enough to get some exercise we all need, both humans and animals.
    So if you think that dog is your friend, give him freedom he needs to stay healthy and if you cannot do that for this or that reason, do not keep him in prison of a small apartment where you can hardly fit yourself, give him for adoption to a better place and then tell me that you care about him.
    Of course some people might say that they need a companion, they are lonely, I understand that. Still you have to remember that a dog or a cat is not a toy and to feed him or pet him is not enough and some of us just do not have enough means to take great care of their pets. Just remember, they cannot do it themselves. They cannot rent a bigger apartment or go to work and earn more money and you can. And if you want to keep a pet you have to do just that. You need a good exercise and healthy food every day and so is your pet. You need fresh air without cigarette smoke and so is your pet, you just have to remember that and not to smoke around your pet or your child, I see a lot of that too. Be good to your pet and you will enjoy its healthy company for many years to come.

London, Ontario - I am still here.

 

    Last year I wanted to go and live somewhere else so badly but now I see that there is no place I can go for now. I cannot return to Toronto though my best friend is there and it would be nice to live somewhere near her and see her more that 2 times a year during big holidays when her boyfriend can drive her to London. But living in Toronto is beyond my financial possibilities and there is nothing like in London where I can afford good apartment at least for now. I don't need a lot of space but  I like to have my own with my own furniture and my own bathroom and kitchen. I don't like to share those with strangers.
    I  remember when I was young and newly married I lived in Leningrad, Russia in a communal flat. They had lots of apartments like this at that time in large cities. You have one or two rooms that are yours and the rest of place you have to share with other people. When you have to live with people you don't know and don't want to know and may be you do not even like those people, it's very difficult even when you are young. We had me and my husband there and 3 more families. I don't know if they still have those apartments in Leningrad (St.Petersburg I think it's called now). I hope with name change they changed some social conditions of people who live there, I don't know. I never liked living like that but now I think many people in Toronto have to share their places with others. Renting is expensive in Toronto.
   When I lost my health and my job I realized that if I want to stay in Toronto this is my only option, so I moved out. Canada is big. You always can find a good place to live there, if you don't like yours. You just have to look around.
   For now my life here is quite comfortable. The only thing I am missing is beach in summer and traveling is rather expensive in Canada. And not every place is covered by bus or train. You need a car and driving and I don't have those. And paying for a taxi to go to a different city is not for me and I think not for most people. So I still have to figure the best way to travel here. Of course you can always walk, can't you?










































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Summer in London, Ontario, enjoy it.

  Yes, summer in our province is not that long so we have to enjoy every moment of it. That's what I am trying to do. This summer I will try to take it in fully - sun and water and nature. I will travel a little, not much, just to Sarnia and back and if I like it and can tolerate it, then may be I will go somewhere else this summer. When you have to go to work, it's hard to enjoy nice weather. You have to get up early, you have to get some kind of breakfast and be sure you'll have something for lunch if you are tied to you table and telephone the way I was. I had to take 2 buses to my work so most of my time I could enjoy the good weather only at a bus stop. And on weekends I had another job so another bus stop waited for me.
   Now I do not have to go to work, sometimes I wish I have, that means I can go anywhere and enjoy weather and season. The only thing that prevents me from enjoying it fully is my health that is not as good as it was, but that's not easy to deal with no matter how I try. And I try to deal with it by good diet and exercise and it helps but not much. It could be worse, as my friend keeps telling me, and I agree. I wasted my health for many years as if I had nine lives to live. Now I regret it but you cannot go back and you need to preserve what you have and do not waste what's left.
   Well, since I wrote this above, I had been in Sarnia and really liked it. A town that is much smaller than London but looks nicer to me and I can tell that river there looks better than Thames river here with more water in it but there is a small fence that does not allow you to get into water and swim into US if you want for some reason, as there is a border along river. You can of course sit near river and just look at. Look but not touch, please. I tried to get to the beach there but there happened a terrible storm there at that day and I missed my chance to see that (beach, not storm).
   I would have moved to Sarnia in a heartbeat but public transportation is so terrible there. I don't even want to talk about it here
. I know that in a small town in Canada, at least in Ontario, public transportation is usually unreliable but not to that extent. That's why I am not moving to Sarnia. For now.

It smells like spring

  I know you can tell me that spring does not smell, that flowers, cut grass or a garbage bin left at the curb smell but if you get out and walk along without putting your nose into that stupid bin, you'll notice that air is different and that spring has it's own special smell that tells you about warm and joy in near future and all good things that can be in your life.
  When spring comes I usually feel like going somewhere where I've never been before. I want to move around and see places and things. I did not have a lot of time to do stuff for myself when I had small children but now they are grown up and I have to do stuff for me and may be find some fun in the process.
   When heat of summer strikes I don't have that feeling anymore.I want to hide myself into some cool place with lots of water and near water but spring time is different. I just wait till some warm weather shows up and let me move around without jacket or heavy boots or any boots whatsoever. I still need to explore London, Ontario more and hopefully with my new diet I will have more energy to move around. I will tell you about my new diet in future but only if it's going to work. There is no point in sharing something that is not going to work so I have to wait and see. There is always a problem if you are capable of sticking to your diet or not. But for me if it's going to work I will stick to it, because I need my energy to live and to do stuff and so far I did not have a lot of it after stroke.
  What else? At one point I was thinking to move to Vancouver, they say it's a beautiful city and near water too. But if you are not rich, you cannot afford Vancouver I was told and there are lots of people who are living on the streets there and I don't want to be one of them. I think it's a very terrible thing to be homeless and have all your stuff in a small cart that you stole from a grocery store. You are not going to enjoy weather if you are homeless even if it is mild like in Vancouver, so I better stay where I am and enjoy what I have. At least for now.