Is that life real? Who needs all that poverty?

An old worn up bag lady stumbles on the invisible crack in the payment. Like an ancient gray bird hardly moving on her old ugly swollen legs, she mumbles something known and heard only by herself.

 She crawls into a dingy hole that is her room in a run down apartment as old and shabby as herself. Nothing but old and rusty things in her room. Nothing valuable, nothing nice, dust and cockroaches everywhere. Pile of  dim plastic dishes in the sink, old wooden box with a stained cloth on it for a table, two old mattresses on top of each other is her bed in the corner, no sheets, old torn blanket.

Was she always like that? Where are her children if any? Or some relatives to lend her a helping hand, to provide a better place to live and some healthy food? Why does she have to live like that? Alone in this dirty room. A small pension can be enough if you have a decent place to live. I cannot help but wondering, did she work when she was young? Has she lost everything that she had, got robbed, got sick? I don't know. Her face keeps its secrets, all it says,"I am sick and poor, I do not have anything."

Yes, but poverty does not have to be like that - ugly, dirty, hopeless. I look at her, wondering if my fate is going to be like that. If  I live to an old age, am I going to be that ugly, lonely and poor? Can I prevent it? Not the age but poverty bothers me, that hopeless poverty, "no way out" kind of poverty. Or is it just her choice? To be independent from anybody and everybody, to have minimum and do not care? Just to move along until the last leaf of her life falls down. Why? Do we need all that? Is there any sense in that life? I pity and I resent her.

 I cannot help thinking about my own age. What am I  going to do when I am going to be old and helpless and cannot work any more? It is already $5 for a loath of bread.   Am I going to starve? Are my children going to care? Can I do something now? Or is it too late? I do not want to be like that. I do not want to be like her. I do care.

I think those food producers are too comfortable...

I think those food producers are way too comfortable. They still mass produce all that crap that makes us sick, and we keep paying for it, keep eating it.

 It maddens me big time. People, please, read the labels!

 Stop drinking sodas. it's nothing but liquid sugar + and it's bad for you. Very bad, very-very bad.

It's not just obesity, it's a lot of other things. Do not make doctors happy and rich, you health is your life. What can you possibly accomplish without it? Do you need to get sick to use your brain? Are you still drinking "diet" coke? Or put "sweet-N-low" in your coffee? You are still buying milk, aren't you? That processed white liquid that was collected from 50 (100?) cows, heated, killing everything "alive" in it, sealed into plastic bags and delivered to you, after you paid money to have the right to drink it, and to have hard time to digest it, because there is nothing natural left in it. Y-u-ck! 

You  are buying that so called commercial juice made from concentrate that had been frozen last year, kept in containers, diluted with water with added corn syrup, pasteurized and... you can guess the rest. Your body has to deal with it, don't be surprised if you are not feeling that great, -  be surprised if you are feeling great, it may be just your luck, until it runs out on you...

 Bread, the smell of it brings so much memories. It is a part of any culture. What's happened to it? Why do I have to buy it wrapped in plastic, sliced, soft like a sponge, forever "fresh"? You eat it you, you do not feel right, you feel bloated and ... hungry. Somebody blames wheat, another - gluten, sugar, bleaching of flour, bromate, fats added to it. Who knows what's the real problem is?

Well, you cannot make yourself everything you eat, you have to rely on the others, and others are trying to make some money by selling you produce that traditionally was part of everybody's diet. But certain things changed and mass production turned some products into something that is not food for life anymore. If you eat it, it will make you sick, not now, may be not even tomorrow but it will. Your body needs natural unprocessed, mostly uncooked free of pollution food. And if you can accomplish that you'll be surprised how little of it you really need to feel healthy and happy and full of life. Wake up and smell your coffee, just do not put sugar in it, please, I am begging you.

"I started out with nothing and still have most of that left"

I like that quotation. It's about me. It looks like I'll come to the retirement years without a lot. Well, actually with nothing. It scares me a bit. Not that much though. Eventually I have to leave the Earth and it does not matter if I have millions or nothing. You cannot take it with you on your last journey, I wish I could have something. Well, I wish I had something that I could leave to my children, in that case they do not have to be like me - poor. I do not like poverty. The hopelessness and helplessness of it. And everyday worry about money and things. I like nice things - furniture, jewelry, books with nice covers and golden letters on front cover. I would love to have a good library of my own with all best classics that I love but I know it's impossible unless I win a lottery. But for that you have at least to play it and I don't. I do not want to spend money I don't have on things that's impossible to attain. Or should I? Should I dream about impossible and try and against all odds go ahead and do crazy things? No, it is not me. I basically do not need a lot for myself, I just see that my kids are not trying to accomplish something, they are not that driven. And that scares me because I am not getting any younger. I've missed something important in my life. It was long ago and I do not remember what it was. I just know  that I would've done that when it was the right time, not now. Now it is too late, not for them (my kids) but for me. Now I have to live the way I can, not the way I want and that bugs me. May be I am wrong though. May be I still can try and live my life the way I want to. May be if I do, I am not going to feel sick and worried, and depressed. May be I'll be able to soar above mundane troubles and misgivings of my soul, and just feel alive - not like a dead tree in winter. I do not want to be that dead wood, seriously, I don't. I just don't know how to do that.
Recently I found out that my credit report is not as good as I expected and I owe somebody money, some rental place from like 5 years ago. We just could not sit there till the end of our lease and moved out early, month or two not much, but they put it to small claims court. Now I cannot expect any favours from any bank, I have to save my own money, I guess, because I cannot pay that debt and really don't want to kill myself over it. It's not worth it. I was wondering, is it possible to live in Canada and not to owe  somebody something? I thought I can, but looks like I cannot. I need a lot of stuff, I am postponing everything, all buying but for how long? Everything I earn goes for rent and food, and I do not want credit card debts, that's a murder for sure. Sometimes I think,"If I stayed in my old country, where would I be now?" Life consists of series of occasions, accidents, last minute decisions we knew nothing about an hour ago, so it's hard to predict, what's going to happen. Well, I still feel like I am on a platform waiting for my train to come, so I can go home. Where is that train?

Things we do not need, but we want them for sure.

To survive we do not need a lot of things. Water, bread, air to breathe, shelter from cold and rain. A hot stove to cook a dinner and to warm your hands after long and wearisome day. Some clothes on our back. But in reality we need more, we want more. We want something that is ours. Our car, our home.

We want things, special things, that are beautiful and unique, or just luxurious and fashionable. We want a car to move around and not to depend on public transportation, we want a house or an apartment that belongs to us, not just a rental place.

We (especially women) want nice clothes and more than enough of them, so we could change our image and look differently all the time. But sometimes that choices take too much time and money from us and we cannot resist temptation to get more than we need and pay more than we can afford to obtain that. And we end up with lots of debts and frustrations, and with plenty of unnecessary things we cannot get rid of. Or some people become sick with hoarding.

 I never even heard about such affliction in my old country where we had the only choice usually - one type of a product, one brand and probably limited so you can just buy one piece, or one kilo or one thing of it (like one loath of bread) even if you need more. It's just 2 choices - to have it or to have not, to buy it or to buy not. So you could make an instant decision without complex procedure of making up your mind what color, size or brand  to buy. Just grab it until somebody else does and be happy, and take good care of that thing or it might get ruined by something and then you have to live without it until another occasion. Is it a good thing or not when you have multiple choices?

 I guess some things are really can be more simple. We do not need 50 brands of toothpaste or 30 brands of bread or soap at the store. Or may be 100 brands of cookies or cereals in colorful boxes. They are not good nutritional product anyway. And they are basically the same, just boxes and prices are different. So far if I met a really healthy cookie, the price was usually astronomically high, so I never had a chance to appreciate the taste - beyond my league, sorry.

Well, right now so many thins are just made in China, and there is not much quality in them. You cannot expect to buy a winter coat and wear it for 10 years in such way that it still looks good on you after that. Or shoes/boots that you can wear for 5 years and be happy with it. Things are not the same now. I used to buy boots that you could wear for 5 years but they were not made in China... 

A lot of choices probably is a good thing anyway, i just do not want to spend so much time at the store, I value my time and my money. So buying a complete crap even a cheap one is not nice either.

 I bought a bed in April 2010. It is January now and I already giving away parts of it, as I am going to throw away it soon. My mattress is absolute garbage. All springs are sticking into my ribs already. And I assumed that a bed supposed to last a long time, not half a year. Do I want a new bed? No, I don't. Do I have to buy it? I am afraid I have to.

I do not like sleeping on springs. Not much fun after all. So what is sustaining our economy - our buying power, or existence of credit cards, as our buying power is close to zero, as most of us are in a survival mode anyway? Well, I am all for choices, for lots of choices - in employment possibilities, in cheap housing, in healthy nutritional food.  Wishful thinking, I am afraid, it's not going to happen. not in my lifetime.

I refuse to be unhappy.

Weather is strange in Toronto. Yesterday it was almost -20C and today is +1. It feels strange. Actually I felt dizzy on my way to work.

 I came to work and made a cup of coffee with cream. I usually don't dare to drink coffee but I think once in a while and a weak one and with cream that means even weaker - should be okay. I love coffee but I try to avoid it because of my blood pressure. I should not aggravate the thing that is high enough as is. I've never treated it with proper medication, just cannot trust doctors on that. I am sure blood pressure is the result of some abnormalities in my body not just a disease by itself. So what's the point of treating the end result if you don't know what's causing this? The problem is you cannot always be careful enough, you have your life to live, haven't you?

 I am so used to pushing myself when I need some rest instead, that I hardly notice that sometimes. I have to catch myself in the process of overworking and tell,"That's just enough, just go and have a rest." Sometimes it works , sometimes I realise that I overstretched myself when it is too late and I am sick with some cold or something. Right now I have symptoms of cold like for the third week already, way too long. And I cannot shake it no matter what. I tried sleep, rest, good food, vitamins, stayed in bed for a week, drank a lot of freshly squeezed juices - nothing works. Maybe one week was not enough, may be.

 Well, I had some time to think and my thoughts were not happy ones.  I feel like I am not going anywhere, like I am stuck in something that is pretty bore and there is not a progress in that.

And I do not feel comfortable in that weather, especially in Toronto. I feel all that pollution just hanging in the air, just pushing you down, just making you weaker and sicker. I don't like that. I want some fresh air, let it be cold, but I want it to be fresh, not polluted.

I don't want to breathe all that car exhausts on the overcrowded streets of Toronto, but the problem is that I do not have means to go and live somewhere else. Basically I don't know anything about other places in Canada, and from some little things that I heard, every place has its own problems and its own solutions.

 The question is: are you ready to face different problems? Are you equipped with tools for different solutions? That's what I've guessed. So just sit tight and wait for the occasion or for some revelation.

 On Sunday I was riding a bus to downtown at 6 a.m. - my second job I cannot live without. It was bitter cold, that feels bad especially when you do not have enough of sleep and I usually don't, when I have to get up at that time. There was a man sitting across from me on that bus. He was very cold, badly dressed in old sneakers that clearly knew better times and some worn and dirty slacks  and "plastic" jacket, not even parka, yellowish dirty color, well, just plain dirty... No way you should be dressed in Canadian winter like that! He was shivering. His long unkempt half grey hair covered part of his face as if in attempt to gain some warmth , some cover from penetrating cold. What was his destination to in those early hours? Was it his miserable and hard job that made him look like that, when you are so tired that you do not want to take care of yourself, you just want to get by, or was it simply his drunkenness or homelessness that made him look like that - sick, cold, broken, like somebody lost, like somebody nobody needs anymore even himself ? After couple of stops he left the bus, disappeared into dark cold morning, into his cold miserable existence. I was thinking, "Why life is so unfair? Why can't we all be happy, well supplied with all necessities in life, comfortable and well off?" I see it clearly that some of us have too much and some have just nothing, not even a warm coat to cover the empty stomach, I just don't know why. And it bothers me because it should not be like that, society has everything, you just have to know where to go in order to get it. Or is it too hard to give something back? Like your skills, your time, your attention? Is it easier just do nothing and expect somebody to come and give you everything for free? No, nothing is for free and some things require a lot of work and stress, but is it worth it? Yes, I think so, because what you get back is your life, a good one, a happy one, but it cannot just come to you, you have to work on that first. To make an effort.

I need new decisions, new strategies,more money....

Year 2011 is here. After a week of sickness and staying in bed I am back to work. Shaken but determined. I had absolutely worst cold that left me weak and disappointed with myself. I am  determined to take better care of myself. There is no one else to do that and I am not getting any younger... My goals are still a mirage on the horizon so to say. I should work harder with a better plan. First of all I cannot afford being sick so I have to stick to a good diet and no deviations. I really mean it! I have to eat healthy as much as possible and regularly. No more late at night dinners. I have to stop that. Well, I come home late, around 8-9 pm, and I probably have to stop cooking dinners that late. My kids are big enough to do that themselves. I've been spoiling them long enough. A cup of herbal tea and small snack  that's all. Can I stick to that? We'll see.
When I cook I cannot keep myself from eating - food smells good and makes me hungry.
I have to find ways to make more money and put it aside for my mortgage goals. I have to work on that in this new year and that means I need a new approach - old one is not working. I need some experiments, new trials. I need mini-goals. I do not want just to eat, work, sleep, write something, clean my apartment, feed the cats, go shopping, eat, work, sleep again... Life is more than that but for that more stuff  you need more money.
 Should I try to win a lottery? Ne-a-a. It's not going to work. Though I should probably buy lottery tickets sometimes just for fun. Working 24 a day is not going to help either, I need another strategy and better planning. I don't think I have enough wickedness and old world charm in me in order to marry a rich guy and then kill him for his money. And I definitely cannot rob a bank. So I am left to my own meager means and I will stick to them. And I will learn from "gurus" how to make more money.  Though most of them are fakes anyway.  Scams galore! Internet Klondike is opened, buyer beware. Everybody is selling a better shovel, a nice dream. Well, I am not trying to become rich, just to make sure I am not out on the streets, homeless and hungry.That is the scariest thing for any immigrant and I am not an exception. It scares me too.

Another year ending...

It's the end of 2010.
 It's so strange. It's gone already, just one day and a half left. I cannot believe that. I think that when you become older your years start speeding uncontrollably. Or may be it's just you pay less attention, not many things excite you as before, not anymore. There is not much wonder in your life. Days are just passing by - one by one, one by one. Monday-Friday, then weekend,  another weekend job, then Monday again. If you had more money you could go somewhere, to a different place, where time may be goes slower, may be people are not in such a hurry to do things as they are here in Canada. Rushing, pushing each other, arguing sometimes or just silently looking at you as if you are not here.
Well, I don't want to be here, I just do not have another place to  go. It's my home now, guys, my place to live. Home. I am dreaming of buying my own place but it's still such a far away dream. I absolutely forbid myself even to think about it now, because it is so fruitless, so depressing. I know I have to work on my dream, but it's like a mirage - the closer you are trying to come to it, the more dim and unrealistic it becomes, just like a real mirage...
 I know I need some push, some motivation. I do not want to end up in somebody else's basement and call it my home, I just cannot afford right now to buy anything. Not here in Toronto, not anywhere... It drives me crazy and I am trying not to think about it.
 I will think about New Year's holidays, couple of free from work days that I am going to have. I still can go to some places in Toronto and may be see something I've never seen before. It's a big town and you surely can find some interesting places to visit.
Bye-bye year 2010!You were not very bad, but I am glad you are over. I will look for something better in my life in 2011, I had some bad moments in this one, don't want to repeat that.
December gives me blues but I am not giving to succumb to that. No blues. Tomorrow is my day off and I will enjoy that and have some treats and some nice homemade dinner, not much appetite though, but I'll think of something, something that everybody will like maybe. Maybe not.