I refuse to be unhappy.

Weather is strange in Toronto. Yesterday it was almost -20C and today is +1. It feels strange. Actually I felt dizzy on my way to work.

 I came to work and made a cup of coffee with cream. I usually don't dare to drink coffee but I think once in a while and a weak one and with cream that means even weaker - should be okay. I love coffee but I try to avoid it because of my blood pressure. I should not aggravate the thing that is high enough as is. I've never treated it with proper medication, just cannot trust doctors on that. I am sure blood pressure is the result of some abnormalities in my body not just a disease by itself. So what's the point of treating the end result if you don't know what's causing this? The problem is you cannot always be careful enough, you have your life to live, haven't you?

 I am so used to pushing myself when I need some rest instead, that I hardly notice that sometimes. I have to catch myself in the process of overworking and tell,"That's just enough, just go and have a rest." Sometimes it works , sometimes I realise that I overstretched myself when it is too late and I am sick with some cold or something. Right now I have symptoms of cold like for the third week already, way too long. And I cannot shake it no matter what. I tried sleep, rest, good food, vitamins, stayed in bed for a week, drank a lot of freshly squeezed juices - nothing works. Maybe one week was not enough, may be.

 Well, I had some time to think and my thoughts were not happy ones.  I feel like I am not going anywhere, like I am stuck in something that is pretty bore and there is not a progress in that.

And I do not feel comfortable in that weather, especially in Toronto. I feel all that pollution just hanging in the air, just pushing you down, just making you weaker and sicker. I don't like that. I want some fresh air, let it be cold, but I want it to be fresh, not polluted.

I don't want to breathe all that car exhausts on the overcrowded streets of Toronto, but the problem is that I do not have means to go and live somewhere else. Basically I don't know anything about other places in Canada, and from some little things that I heard, every place has its own problems and its own solutions.

 The question is: are you ready to face different problems? Are you equipped with tools for different solutions? That's what I've guessed. So just sit tight and wait for the occasion or for some revelation.

 On Sunday I was riding a bus to downtown at 6 a.m. - my second job I cannot live without. It was bitter cold, that feels bad especially when you do not have enough of sleep and I usually don't, when I have to get up at that time. There was a man sitting across from me on that bus. He was very cold, badly dressed in old sneakers that clearly knew better times and some worn and dirty slacks  and "plastic" jacket, not even parka, yellowish dirty color, well, just plain dirty... No way you should be dressed in Canadian winter like that! He was shivering. His long unkempt half grey hair covered part of his face as if in attempt to gain some warmth , some cover from penetrating cold. What was his destination to in those early hours? Was it his miserable and hard job that made him look like that, when you are so tired that you do not want to take care of yourself, you just want to get by, or was it simply his drunkenness or homelessness that made him look like that - sick, cold, broken, like somebody lost, like somebody nobody needs anymore even himself ? After couple of stops he left the bus, disappeared into dark cold morning, into his cold miserable existence. I was thinking, "Why life is so unfair? Why can't we all be happy, well supplied with all necessities in life, comfortable and well off?" I see it clearly that some of us have too much and some have just nothing, not even a warm coat to cover the empty stomach, I just don't know why. And it bothers me because it should not be like that, society has everything, you just have to know where to go in order to get it. Or is it too hard to give something back? Like your skills, your time, your attention? Is it easier just do nothing and expect somebody to come and give you everything for free? No, nothing is for free and some things require a lot of work and stress, but is it worth it? Yes, I think so, because what you get back is your life, a good one, a happy one, but it cannot just come to you, you have to work on that first. To make an effort.

I need new decisions, new strategies,more money....

Year 2011 is here. After a week of sickness and staying in bed I am back to work. Shaken but determined. I had absolutely worst cold that left me weak and disappointed with myself. I am  determined to take better care of myself. There is no one else to do that and I am not getting any younger... My goals are still a mirage on the horizon so to say. I should work harder with a better plan. First of all I cannot afford being sick so I have to stick to a good diet and no deviations. I really mean it! I have to eat healthy as much as possible and regularly. No more late at night dinners. I have to stop that. Well, I come home late, around 8-9 pm, and I probably have to stop cooking dinners that late. My kids are big enough to do that themselves. I've been spoiling them long enough. A cup of herbal tea and small snack  that's all. Can I stick to that? We'll see.
When I cook I cannot keep myself from eating - food smells good and makes me hungry.
I have to find ways to make more money and put it aside for my mortgage goals. I have to work on that in this new year and that means I need a new approach - old one is not working. I need some experiments, new trials. I need mini-goals. I do not want just to eat, work, sleep, write something, clean my apartment, feed the cats, go shopping, eat, work, sleep again... Life is more than that but for that more stuff  you need more money.
 Should I try to win a lottery? Ne-a-a. It's not going to work. Though I should probably buy lottery tickets sometimes just for fun. Working 24 a day is not going to help either, I need another strategy and better planning. I don't think I have enough wickedness and old world charm in me in order to marry a rich guy and then kill him for his money. And I definitely cannot rob a bank. So I am left to my own meager means and I will stick to them. And I will learn from "gurus" how to make more money.  Though most of them are fakes anyway.  Scams galore! Internet Klondike is opened, buyer beware. Everybody is selling a better shovel, a nice dream. Well, I am not trying to become rich, just to make sure I am not out on the streets, homeless and hungry.That is the scariest thing for any immigrant and I am not an exception. It scares me too.

Another year ending...

It's the end of 2010.
 It's so strange. It's gone already, just one day and a half left. I cannot believe that. I think that when you become older your years start speeding uncontrollably. Or may be it's just you pay less attention, not many things excite you as before, not anymore. There is not much wonder in your life. Days are just passing by - one by one, one by one. Monday-Friday, then weekend,  another weekend job, then Monday again. If you had more money you could go somewhere, to a different place, where time may be goes slower, may be people are not in such a hurry to do things as they are here in Canada. Rushing, pushing each other, arguing sometimes or just silently looking at you as if you are not here.
Well, I don't want to be here, I just do not have another place to  go. It's my home now, guys, my place to live. Home. I am dreaming of buying my own place but it's still such a far away dream. I absolutely forbid myself even to think about it now, because it is so fruitless, so depressing. I know I have to work on my dream, but it's like a mirage - the closer you are trying to come to it, the more dim and unrealistic it becomes, just like a real mirage...
 I know I need some push, some motivation. I do not want to end up in somebody else's basement and call it my home, I just cannot afford right now to buy anything. Not here in Toronto, not anywhere... It drives me crazy and I am trying not to think about it.
 I will think about New Year's holidays, couple of free from work days that I am going to have. I still can go to some places in Toronto and may be see something I've never seen before. It's a big town and you surely can find some interesting places to visit.
Bye-bye year 2010!You were not very bad, but I am glad you are over. I will look for something better in my life in 2011, I had some bad moments in this one, don't want to repeat that.
December gives me blues but I am not giving to succumb to that. No blues. Tomorrow is my day off and I will enjoy that and have some treats and some nice homemade dinner, not much appetite though, but I'll think of something, something that everybody will like maybe. Maybe not.

Green energy, I hear about it a lot, but why?

Everybody talks about it -

 green energy. http://www.planetfriendly.net/energy.html

But nobody explains it. Is it just a dream, or political talk for important people to get involved, to shed some money, especially if it is not coming from your pocket?

What is going on? How can my energy be green?

Personally I think solar and wind energy are not efficient yet. They are still in a process. Otherwise everybody would be doing it, but we are still holding the gas pump at the gas stop, and the price on it is climbing steady. I've been thinking and this idea is totally mine. Nobody told me anything and I've never told anybody about it. You'll be the first to know. And don't tell me I am stupid, or crazy, I don't like it and it is not polite.

Well, may be I am a little bit stupid and crazy, but it is not nice to say that anyway. My idea is very simple. We pump oil and gas out, right? And it is everywhere -  the process goes non stop. And we are looking for more, other places to pump it out. We need it, a lot of it, gas and oil in some form. Well, after we've emptied the place, it might be filled with something else inside the ground, this cavern has to be filled with something, some other gas or hot air hasn't it? It is not going to stay empty there. We have plenty of hot stuff inside, http://pubs.usgs.gov/gip/dynamic/inside.html , it is really hot inside our planet Earth.

What if all that stuff comes out into our empty spaces we created and fills them up and escapes and warms our planet? Here goes our global warming, what do you think? It's just an idea, don't be mad at me.

And don't call me, I'll call you, okay?

At the end of the year we remember...

This year is coming to its final month. As usual we think about Christmas celebrations, gifts, turkey etc. We remember about letters we still have to write, calls to make, friends we forgot to write to for a year and now we feel like it's now or never. We still have to find time for that.

I dream about Christmas lights and decorations of my childhood. In my country it was just New Year's celebration, but we still had a fur tree decorated with glass balls and plastic toys, with snowflakes and candles, small one made especially to put on a tree and foil serpentine, lots of it.
 I remember that big tree, richly decorated standing in my room. How nice it was to go to bed and see in the dark mysteriously alien and wondrously familiar tree, all that sparkle and little jingling of the tree toys on it when somebody would pass by it touching it slightly. You go to bed and wake up with that wonderful smell of holiday and presents, with hope and promise that never realised but was so pleasant to anticipate.
You wait for a miracle of something wonderful, something amazing but at the end nothing wonderful happens and you are still happy with all that holiday glamor and light and smell and taste of Christmas candies and nuts, and home made cookies. Lots of treats, lots of modest presents, that can fill your heart - small child's heart with joy and gratitude and hope. Something you'll never forget. Something that stays with you into your adulthood. Something that you see in the eyes of you children on a Christmas Eve. Something that makes our life worth living.
Happiness is made of little things and this is one of them.

Beautiful places, nice climate, different countries, we want them, but do they want us?

I 've been reading that blog, a nice one,  that tells all about different countries where you can retire and live so frugally and nice on 600 dollars a month.Nicely written with great knowledge of a subject. It's a very tempting suggestion. But I am not sure that it is an appropriate one. Of course if you know the culture, the language, traditions, way of life and have dollars to the bargain that could give you a tremendous advantage in view of low local currency exchange. I remember I went to my old country for a visit. I had a good lunch that cost me one dollar. I thought it was nice, but ...  If you come to the country and you have nobody there of your kin, you don't know the language, culture, traditions and you'll be outsider for the rest of population, probably even unwelcomed one. An alien.
I did not experience a lot of discrimination when I came to Canada. But I remember one lady told me,"You came (she meant immigrants) and took our jobs." She blamed me as an immigrant of taking a job from them - non immigrants, local people. And the general policy in Canada is very welcoming towards immigrants. Imagine yourself in a country where every foreigner is an intruder and people openly say so and as soon as you 've learned their language, you understand that. May be they are not going to tell you openly that but they'll try to get advantage, to discriminate you, to cheat you, to steal from you when they can. So no matter how beautiful and friendly this country looks for you - be careful it is still not your country, not the one you know, and used to. Their government might be progressive too - more or less, but they might change that in a flash and a new one might be not so friendly and will kick you out, our just take away everything you have from you, because it is their land and you are an intruder. And tell me, that I am not right. You cannot do it, because I am right. I do not expect any great revolution here in Canada or radical changes in the government, or that people will go on the streets and starts shooting each other, but in other countries it might happen and happens every day in the 3rd world countries. So should I go and risk stability and not very easy and quite stressful life here for the unknown there? I don't think so. But I am immigrant already, I made my choice. What about you? You are still want that adventure, that chance? Well, it's your life, what can I say. Just don't say I did not warn you.

Our worldly goods, do we need them?

All our worldly goods. We have them around us. Our worldly goods, we are used to them. We inherit some of them. We buy and collect the others. We argue and quarrel about some of them with our relatives (this clock my great grandmother promised to me - it's mine). We fight for them in court with our angry spouses and hate our siblings who deprived us from them. We need them, they are part of our life.

We work really hard to accumulate them (I need that dining table, sofa, chair, curio cabinet, etc.) We sink into credit card debt and bankruptcy for them. Sometimes they take over our life, sometimes they detach us from reality and we become hoarders. I know a woman ( and she is not poor, far from it), who washes plastic caps from water bottles sold at grocery stores in a dishwasher and keeps them in a kitchen drawer sorted by size. She washes and collects bottles too.

I am not sure what is cheaper - to buy reusable container or to run dishwasher all day. I am sure they are not meant to be washed and reused and probably leak some chemical stuff when heated. I don't know. I personally think that my time is more important. I better have some rest and drink boiled tap water.

And for kids I use just water that is sold in plastic bottles but I never bother to reuse them. If they are dirty I just throw them away. My life is more important to me. I can use my time better . I can read a book, talk to my kids, cook something nice, or just have a much needed rest.

We need it in our crazy contemporary life, we should not be slaves to our lifestyle, to our goods, our worldly goods. In real life we do not need that much. As a matter of fact we need very little. Some food. Good night sleep. Clothes to wear when it is cold. Shelter when it is raining. A human hand to touch. A should to cry on when life is too hard on us. A healthy voice of your child on the telephone.

The rest - just things to collect dust upon them. We don't really need them, trust me. http://www.worldsstrangest.com/mental-floss/suffer-from-disposophobia-these-7-famous-hoarders-did/